Share your merrily sadistic childhood memories

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

My brothers used to torment me when I was very young with a story about a Mad Axeman who lived in the woods near our cottage in the country. There was a tumbled-down log house with brambles growing through it that was supposed to be where he lived. At night, so they said, he’d come out to kill people - sometimes he’d just drag them away and they would never be seen again, and sometimes he’d chop them up in their beds with his axe. To torment his victims further, he’d sharpen his axe outside their window while they quaked in their beds.

I believed this.

One day they played a nasty prank on me that almost ended in tragedy. My oldest brother was six years older than me, and so my parents judged him old enough to sleep over and keep order in the house while they visited my aunt for the night. My brothers told me the mad axeman story around the fire that night, adding lots of gruesome details - the Mad Axeman wore a chain of human ears, for example - and then we went to bed.

I woke up that night hearing a strange sound outside my window - “wheeeet, wheeet”, the sound of a file over steel. I called for my brothers, but they were gone. I knew that the Mad Axeman got them and was comming for me - however, I remembered where my dad stored the shotgun. Tembling in terror, I loaded it with buckshot and sat with my finger on the trigger watching the door - any Mad Axeman comming in was going to get a face full of buckshot, no question.

It was fortunate for everyone that my brothers were giggling when they opened the door. We never to this day told our parents - it’s been more than 30 years now.

22

In my school, we’d tell whoever hadn’t heard it yet, that if your hand is bigger than your face, it meant you had cancer. When you held your hand up to your face to check, you’d get hit in the hand so that it smashed into your nose.

Also, if someone touched his palm with his finger, and you looked at it, you were gay :rolleyes:, and would get hit. Some guy remembered this my senior year of high school, and made “the sign” while he was standing in front of the class giving a speech. It had been probably 9 or 10 years, but the whole class immediately reacted. It was hilarious.

23

OMG I could go on for hours.

My brother and I were visiting our cousins on a farm in Southern Georgia. Bro and Cuz told me to look up and see the cool owl’s nest in this tree. No, you can’t see it from there, step back a bit. Maybe a little more to your left, yeah there, see it? Look higher! . . .

About then the red ants swarming from the nest they’d steered me into decided that covering me to my waist was enough and all bit at once.

My parents were both oldest children who had greatly resented having to babysit their younger siblings, so really had little interest in hearing about his torments or correcting him.

Like all kids, we both wanted to sit in the front seat on long car trips. Unlike my brother, I got seriously ill riding in the back seat. I suspect my Mother preferred having up there because he could read the map for her.

Whenever I succeeded in getting a chance to ride up there, my brother would sit in the back and tickle the top of my head with one finger, so it felt like a bug was there. If I complained, I was whining and my Mother would yell at me. So yeah, generally I just yakked myself dry in the back seat and then passed out until we arrived at our destination.

About a year ago when my then fiancee and I drove up to say good-bye to my dying Aunt, my Mother took the opportunity to tell him just the right spot to tickle on my head - recommending this as great fun to be had on the ride home.
Today, these people spend a lot of time complaining that I don’t call/visit them often enough.

? ? ? ? ?

24

My older brother and cousin used to pin me down and stick a socket wrench in my navel. The subsequent ratcheting was known as a “bellybuttonectomy”.

The same evil duo once peed on a yellow chuckle (jelly candy with sugar on it) and fed it to my best friend. I’m deeply ashamed to say I was in on that one. Amazingly, she is still my best friend, 35 years later.

25

A couple from the Boy Scouts:

  1. I being the recipient of pain – several patrols were out on a hike during a camping trip. Each patrol was on a different trail, so some arrived back at camp sooner than others. As my patrol neared camp, E.H. approached me and said “here, hold this” and handed me a long cylindrical object which… severely burned my hand. He had been heating one end of a metal rod in the campfire for just this purpose.

  2. I being the supplier of woe – hollowed out a Snicker’s bar and inserted a delicious chocolaty Ex-Lax. I somehow managed to convince R.K. that the wrapper just accidently came undone, and that the candy bar was still good, and he could have it if he wanted it. R.K. did not participate in anymore camp activities that day.

26

I only fell for it once…

Brother: “Let’s see who can punch the softest. You go first”
Me, balled up fist: <pffftap>
Brother, balled up fist: <swiiiingthwap!> “You win”.

I still do this to kids, only I don’t hurt them. My brother was 6 years older, and much much stronger than I. I bruised.

27

When I was 3 or 4 years old, my two older sisters would stage a fake game show in our living room and promise all sorts of wonderful prizes. There was really no game to speak of, they just called out the name of the ‘winner’ who was asked to come and get their prize.

“…and the winner of the grand prize IS…Bamboo POI!”

And I’d sink back, dejected. “SO close!”, I’d think.

“But we have another, bigger, better prize here! And the winner is…Bamboo Boy!”

I come running up elated, to be greeted at the last second with-

“Loy! The winner is Bamboo Boyloy!”

I’d slink back to the sofa, where the ‘audience’ was.

“For the next, even bigger prize, it looks like the winner is…Bamboo Boy! Bamboo Boy is the winner of the prize!!!”

I’d come running up, elated, to be greeted with-

“Wait! Wait- we’re hearing from the judges that there’s been an error! The winner is PAMboo Boy! PAMboo Boy!!!”

Dejected again, I…[lather, rinse, repeat]

This could go on for a long time. I was somehow trapped into the idea that each successive failure only INCREASED my chances for the next “prize”, which of course didn’t even exist.

Then there was the tried and true gag of grabbing both my wrists from behind and singing “If you’re UGLY and you know it clap your hands!” [forced-clap, forced clap] The verses winded through cut-downs- “If you’re STUPID and you know it clap your hands!” [forced-clap, forced clap], then- “If you’re MENTAL and you know it clap your hands!” [forced-clap, forced clap] etc.

28

My brother and his friends used to play “Doorknob” - if you ever farted in public, you had to say “Biscuit” before anyone else shouted “Doorknob”, if not, they would be allowed to attack you (mostly shoulder punches) until you reached the sanctuary of the nearest doorknab.

My brother once farted in the middle of the Lesotho Highlands…

29

Not personally from my childhood but I remember watching one of those sleazoid Jenny Jones type talk shows that featured a woman who was going to confront another woman who tormented her endlessly when the two were kids.

Well of course first we had an example of one of their finer escapades and the woman (the victim) relayed how the other girl and her brother staged an elaborate prank in which the brother had a butcher knife stuck in a board tucked it into his shirt and the bully showed the other girl and asked her what they were going to do and how they could conceal her now slightly dead brother. The girl was freaking out and as an adult, she relayed the story in some detail through her tears and said how this ongoing attempt at gaslighting her left deep-seated psychological scars.

So they bring out the bully out accompanied by catcalls and jeers from the audience and the lady through her smirks showed not the slightest sense of remorse. She then revealed that she was thinking of sneaking into the other woman’s hotel room and placing a baby doll head in the toilet bowl as a friendly welcome. The audience of course reacted with more booing and groaning. Me? I was amused.

30

I don’t know how merry it was, but my brother and I had fights violent enough to damage furniture in our teens. These inevitably occurred while our parents were at work. The only good that ever came of it was that we became reasonably adept at repairing and retouching the damage after tempers had cooled.

31

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. Then he’d spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he’d yell out, “Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!” We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.

32

I think I was around ten or eleven when I did this.
We used to have a swingset in the backyard when I was younger; underneath the swings there was a bare patch of lawn due to us kicking it up whenever we were swinging. One summer day, after playing in the sprinklers and getting that area muddy, I decided to toss some legos into it. I forgot about it until my brother’s birthday party about a week later, They saw the lego pieces sprouting up in the mud and decided to dig them out and I managed to convince them that our whole block was once a giant lego factory; I’m sure you’ll find lots more if you keep digging!
I must’ve kept them busy for an hour as they dug in that hole. I would occasionally toss in a new lego piece for them to “find”. My slight of hand soon slipped and once they realized I had them fooled for over an hour, they beat me up.
To this day he still remembers it (and even wrote about it in high school) so it was worth it.

My dad worked at a copy machine construction and repair company and would occasionally bring home large boxes for us to play with. We soon found out that there were only so many times you could play “house” or “ship” with the boxes before getting bored so we decided to up the ante to CatBox.
Take one kid, one cat, and one box. Insert cat and kid into box. Roll box, mix well, and see which kid could last the longest.

33

You know that inertia demonstration of pulling the tablecloth out and the dishes remain stationary?

Imagine that, except that the dishes were my younger brother and the tablecloth was a milk crate. The poor kid flipped head-over-heels. His foot went through a 30 gallon fish tank.

I scrambled to save the fish.