Share your most horrible responses to websites/personal ads

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m not currently in the dating pool but I am on Facebook. This thread, especially page 3, reminded me of some of the horrible e-mails/notes I’ve gotten. I thought it might be fun if we were to share some of ours, and I didn’t want to hijack that thread.

Here’s a couple I’ve gotten. First of all, you should know that on Facebook, I have a dance picture of myself, dressed up as Krishna. Secondly, I have a very low tolerance for bad grammar, and worse when it’s Indian people. We’re intelligent! We should do better! Thirdly, I want to get to know other Indian people, but I ask that they regard me as a person, and not just “Indian girl”.

What the hell?

Second one. I figured, OK, I was being rude and snippy in the first one, so thought I’d be nicer. I left the date stamps in so you could see what a nutcase he was.

I finally lost my patience. In some ways I sympathize with Stoid, though I did not post in that thread. These are responses from people who are trying to be my friend. Can you imagine what it’s like when this is your pool to pick from for a significant other?

ETA: Please share yours! I’ll come back with more if this thread takes off.

2

Pretty much any response I get these days. Why am I getting hit on only by poor spellers from Ghana?

But the first response I got was great. “i was born from boston.” Ya think ya might learn the language some day, then? So anyway, we started IMing, and she started sending me nude pictures of herself (or someone). And she was SOOOO in luv for me cna we b togth er soon lol.

There was problem. She was born from boston, but currently stuck in Lagos with no way to get back. If I could just send her a check for $10,000, then she could come home and we’d togeth er adn in luv lol.

She’s still waiting for that check.

3

Easy. My ad was in “Women Seeking Women.” You are a man. No, I am not lookin 4 a hawt time 2nite!!

4

I wouldn’t say they were the worst, but in the last 2 days I’ve had emails from a conservative Christian and a 25 year-old. I’m 39, and most definitely not a cougar. Run along now, little boy. I’m also a liberal atheist, and both of those are clearly displayed on my profile, as is the age range I am looking for.

I’m thinking a lot of guys just email anybody new that pops up. Their qualifications are that you must be breathing. In my case, I wasn’t new, but I hadn’t visited that site in many months.

5

I’ve actually not done too badly. The worst in recent memory was the guy who e-mailed me because, as he put it, I was nearby and looked like an Ewok. First of all, I don’t call four hundred miles away nearby, and second, I do not look like an Ewok.

I don’t think I do, anyway.

6

Of course you don’t! Why, how silly of the guy!

snicker

7

Oh god, I can’t just walk away. WHY was it a good thing that you looked like an Ewok to him? Does he have some kind of Ewok fucking fetish? There are dolls you know. It reminds me of that Robot Chicken episode with Snuggles the bear (link provided upon request.)

“This is a big no-no!”

8

My sister was using a Women Seeking Women site and told me about this one. Not that it was the other woman’s fault, just a hilarious incompatibility.

My sister is very athletic and outdoorsy. She loves campig, hiking, and long canoe expeditions. This was in her profile. She is also a tree-hugging vegetarian who loves cute, fuzzy-wuzzy, wee animals. This was not in her profile.

She discovered that she neglected to put this in her profile, when an elligible woman waxed poetic about growing up a lesbian in a small, northern town and trying to impress, IMed my sister: “I kill my own meat.”

Yup. She hunts for sport too. She has blown ducks out of the sky and has a freezer full of Bambi meat in her living room.

My sister said she gasped in horror so hard she nearly swallowed her tongue.

9

I loved that episode.

It beats me, though. Of all the things I have been compared to, Ewoks have never appeared on the list, and I think I might develop a tiny complex about it, just for fun.

10

Maybe it was Swallowed My Cellphone’s sister?

We know she “loves cute, fuzzy-wuzzy, wee animals”. :smiley:

11

I think a required bit of information in personals should be what TV shows you like to watch. That could possibly reveal more about who you are than almost anything.

Years ago I was talking to someone that answered my ad. Things were already moving along not so well, when I asked what TV shows she liked. She said that she was totally into pro wrestling. She watched it all the time. She lived it. And she thought it was real.

I’m thinking “eww!”

Then she asked me what I liked. I said The Science Channel, TLC, Nova, things like that. She was shocked! HOW could ANYONE watch stuff that made you LEARN? It was inconceivable to her.

We never did meet.

12

Well, in addition to having the “non smoker” attribute checked off, I also put in my profile “[[blah blah blah]] nonsmoker seeks same”. But I still get a ridiculous amounts of smokers responding to my ad. I guess I could put some sort of more emphatic wordage in there “NO SMOKERS! I MEAN IT!” But I think it’s lame when other people use profiles to rant about things.

13

Long ago, I had a guy write me a message on MySpace where in which he claimed he was in a brain injury facility. I’m not entirely sure if it was true or if he was kidding and attempting to make a memorable attempt at contact.

Well, he certainly left an impact. Either way, though, there is no way I’m writing a guy like that back.

I’ve also received messages that say: “I’ll knock the breaks off that pussy,” “U R SO SUFFISTACTED!”, “Damn bb u r sssssssewww fiiiiiiine wanna go out sum tim!?!!!” While attempting to read these monstrosities, I always wonder if those lines ever work? The same goes for the guys on the street who yell to me that I’ve got great tits and that they’d like to lick them; seriously, does that work on ANYONE?

Oh, your responses to the first suitor are a bit ironic: you’re missing some commas in your grammatically judgmental replies.

Regardless, I love you and demand to know why we aren’t friends on Facebook!

(Cut to everyone pointing out the grammar-centric inadequacies of my post).

14

Heh. I don’t put myself up as some kind of grammar Nazi, certainly. Mistakes happen. However I’m fairly sure that I, at least, am coherent. I get my message across. And if it was a paper, yeah, I’d raise my standard higher.

I don’t even know what to make of “I’ll knock the breaks off that pussy”. Whut?! It got me wondering. I have breaks on it? Ouch. *Brakes *doesn’t make sense either. Did he mean socks, as in “I’ll knock the **socks **off that pussy”? I don’t even like socks on my feet.

ETA: Why aren’t we friends on facebook? Er…um…no reason. I’m Elenia25, look for me, I use Facebook like a big old klunky tool and hardly understand it.

15

On Match.com, I contacted a guy who had a profile I thought was compatible with me. He wrote back demanding semi-rudely to know why I would think we had anything in common. I did think my profile was awkwardly worded at the time, so I wrote back to explain myself, and attributed the rudeness to the fact that tone doesn’t always translate in writing.

His response was to say I should suggest a meeting place. I recommended a restaurant I liked in Harvard Square. He responded to tell me that he would never eat in a public restaurant, that eating is a bodily function akin to taking a dump. He then demanded that I pick another place. I was totally stunned. Stupidly, I suggested we go to a new exhibit at one of the Harvard museums. I shouldn’t have responded at all. He wrote back to say that he thought it was dumb to go somewhere we would be doing an activity while getting to know each other. He demanded I pick something else.

Basically, the rude jackass wanted me to come meet him at his house. Probably a true psycho. I stopped writing after that.

16

It’s a line from a rap song by E-40. Actually, it seems I misquoted:

Romantic, no?

I asked what specifically was meant by that and was told, “Well, uh, you know how secure breaks are on a car, right? Ok, like, if you wanted to break the breaks off the, um, car you’d have to like, hit it really hard, right? So if you had breaks on your, uh, pussy, I’d have to hit it really hard. And hitting it means sex so I’d like, um, have to fuck you hard and stuff.”

Infallible logic, no? Frankly, I’m thinking I should start using that as a pick up line, but since I pick up on boys, I’ll have to adjust. Do you think, “I’m going to bruise up your cock until it’s swollen and discolored for at least a week” is a good pick up line?

PS: I shall attempt to add ya now!

17

Oh, god. Where do these people come from?

You’re a girl after my own heart. I would have asked, too.

18

As long as you mention licking it, you’ll be fine. :wink:

19

People ignore critical stuff anyway.

Back a few years, I had an online ad. I think my intro started with “…seeking active woman who loves the outdoors and can beat my time in a 10k race”, then I went on about how my main interests were outdoor adventure sports like camping, caving, and kayaking. I described myself as a scruffy, tree-hugging, granola-chewing, vegetarian guy, who didn’t own a TV, and really, really didn’t like clubbing. My ideal vacation is following a mysterious path in the jungle.

A girl gave me a “wink” (or “wave”, or “giggle” or “whatever the hell” the “free flirt” was). Her profile starts off:

“First things first: I don’t camp. I’m proud to say I don’t own a single pair shoes with less than a 3” heel. . . I’m looking for a man who will pamper me." And then went on to say how her main interests are the club scene, reality TV, and fine dining at Chez Swanky Le Expensive Beefhaus, and her ideal vacation is “any resort with a spa” and one of her favorite social activities is “shopping”

(I’d rather jam toothpicks under my fingermails than go into a mall.)

Now there’s nothing at all wrong with her interests (except the shopping, weirdo!), however, mine went to great lengths to express quite explicitly that I was looking for someone who led a very active lifestyle and that was very, very important to me. She was more the cosmopolitan socialite, I was the kid who climbs trees and makes monkey noises.

I couldn’t fathom why she was “flirting” with me, so I ponied up and paid to IM her. Did she read my profile? She did, she just didn’t care what I had to say and disregarded it entirely because she thought my photo was “cute”.

Photo was from Hallowe’en. I was dressed as Gilligan.

20

Well, if we’re going to get into people who obviously disregard your profile, I could be here all night. Biggest one for that: sexual orientation. I’m bisexual. That means I like to make the whoopie with dudes and chicks, although not necessarily at the same time. And it states that I am bisexual right up at the top of my profile where you can see it easily unless you’re not paying attention. So then why do I get all these people messaging me who think bisexuals are confused/nasty/attention whores/tools of Satan?