Share your 'wise guy' stories

This thread is to collect stories attributed to ‘men (women) of wisdom’ that illustrate a new way of looking at a problem, creative or unconventional thinking, or just plain street-smarts. I don’t care if the story is partly or wholly fictional; many stories attributed to legend / folklore cannot be proven or disproven conclusively. Some stories may not even be attribute with any certainty to an actual person, but it is enough if it is considered traditionally to be associated with a person.

If the story contains a moral, so much the better. It does not matter if the story is serious or humorous.

I want to restrict this thread to instances from known history or folklore. Attribution would be nice, but if you dont know, post anyway.


Here is one about the art of negotiation:
Attributed to: Unknown
A father left 17 camels as an asset for his three sons. When the father passed away, his sons opened up the will.

The Will of the father stated that the eldest son should get half of 17 camels while the middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third). The youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the 17 camels.

As it is not possible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, three sons started to fight with each other. So, the three sons decided to go to a wise man.

The wise man listened patiently about the Will.

The wise man, after giving this thought, brought one camel of his own and added the same to 17. That increased the total to 18 camels.

Now, he started reading the deceased father’s will.

Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 camels

1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 camels

1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 camels.

Now add this up: 9 plus 6 plus 2 is 17 and this leaves one camel, which the wise man took back.

Moral: The attitude of negotiation and problem solving is to find the 18th camel i.e. the common ground. Once a person is able to find the common ground, the issue is resolved.


Attributed to the legends of Birbal and Akbar:

One day Akbar was strolling in his palace gardens with his dear minister Birbal. Many crows were flying around. He thought, that how many crows could be in his kingdom and immediately posed this question to Birbal.

Birbal thought a moment, then said, “They are ninety-five thousand, four hundred and sixty three (95463) crows in your kingdom, sir.” “How do you know that for sure?” the King asked. “You can get them counted, sir”, Birbal replied.

The king again said, “If there will be less than that?” Birbal replied, “That means that the rest of them have gone to the neighboring kingdoms.”

“And if there were more than that?”

“That means that other crows are visiting your kingdom, sir. But there are exactly 95463 crows in your kingdom.”

Three violin manufacturers did business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in their window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.”

The Guarneri shop soon followed suit and put a sign in their window saying: “We make the best violins in the world.”

Finally, the Stradivarius shop put a sign in their window saying: “We make the best violins on this block.”

A guy meets a lady in a sports bar. They hit it off, and after many rounds of drinks, decide to head off to a nightclub for more “fun and games”. The gent goes to the bar to fetch the last round before egress only to return to the table to find a much younger, better looking interloper ensconced there in full engagement with the said lady. Young buck feels he has the upper hand, and will win this rut. Self-satisfaction spreads across his face.

Lady excuses herself to go get dressed for dancing. The two torreodores retreat to the bar to await on the lady. Tense moments ensue. Then, sweet inspiration!

Now, the first chap, in full recognicense of his shortcomings and physical inferioriority, suddenly turns to the young buck and spouts, “So, its like this. $100 up front, we go to the club, you dance and buy the drinks, then we come back and its another $100 for the night.”

Young bucks mouth drops open. Eyes glaze.

“You mean… she’s… you know… she’s a…”

“Well, Duh!”

Young buck hurrys off, dejected. Old dude savors the single malt he had young buck buy him before the ruse.

On a bus, heading home from the city I am greeted by an incredibly nice Russian-sounding bus driver with a smile on his face. About 4 stops later (in the valley, of course) a bogan hops on with his skanky (I assume) girlfriend. (May have been sister. May have been both.) Naturally, he does not have the money for a bus, so of course The Bogan (Henceforth referred to as Shit-Skull) blames the bus driver. Using all manner of racial slurs, loud profanities and general offensive douchbagery, Shit-Skull proceeds to be a asshole and make the entire bus shuffle uncomfortably in their seats.

All except one man.

Ah, this man. I wish I could BE this man, this average looking hero that stepped up to defend the poor bus driver.

“Look mate, he’s just doing his job. How’s about you calm down and leave the driver alone. It’s no t his fault you can’t pay.” The logic of the situation made a slight whistling noise as it passed over Shit-Skull’s head. We could see the Tonka Truck gears clunk and grind in this mans underdeveloped cranium. Calm…down? It must be a challenge!
“Are you try’na start me ct? You wanna go me you fking ct? You wanna fing go me?” Ah, truly the words of a poet. But not even Oscar Wilde himself could have predict the Batman-esque reaction of:
“Yeah, actually. Let’s do this. Off the bus.”

You could hear a penny drop as the 256mb brain inside Shit-Skull’s shitty little skull ticked over. Finally, the judging eyes of the bus coupled with the high-pitched, slurring voice of his sister-daughter telling him to “take him” and (quoting directly) “don’t take none that shit babe” convince them both to step off the bus ready to fight.

Calmer than a monk on morphine, our hero turns to the bus driver, simply says “shut the door mate”, AND WALKS BACK TO HIS MOTHERFUCKING SEAT. The bus driver shut the door, drove away, and the entire bus ERUPTED. We were clapping, we were cheering, I gave Shit-Skull the finger out the window and I’m pretty sure people hugged.

Quote from real estate agent on a recent House Hunters International (I think in Costa Rica?):

“One should never live where the average temperature is below your current age.”

Wisest thing I have heard in a long time…

That would be a problem, I’m already 45!

Huh. I was all set to tell the story of Joey “The Wrench” Stompanato, but thread is not what I expected.

Me too!
I guess my “I know a guy who knows a guy…” stories will have to wait for another day.

Long ago in Europe a traveling Rabbi would go from village to village teaching, advising, and answering the questions of the Jewish populace. He traveled in a fine carriage with a faithful driver who served him for many years. One day as they approached a village they had never visited previously the driver asked the Rabbi for a favor.

“Rabbi, I have traveled with you for may years, and listened to you at each stop, studied the Torah with you, and learned many things. But at each village you are the great teacher and I am the lowly driver. How about this time I get to be the Rabbi and you act as the driver? Just this once I’d like to feel the respect and admiration of the people.”

The Rabbi pondered this and thought there was no harm in it. The driver was indeed a learned man from his experience, no great scholar, but could easily answer the usual questions about what was allowed on the Sabbath, or how to settle minor disputes, so he agreed.

As they entered the village, the driver now sitting in the back of the carriage, head held high the people flocked to see the visiting Rabbi. Immediately one man stepped to the front of the crowd to ask the driver who posed as the Rabbi a question. It was a complicated question, juxatposing lessons of the Torah, opinions of other Rabbis, Jewish law, civil law, questions of faith and morality.

The driver stared at the man blankly for a moment, perplexed, then smiled. Then he spoke.

“That is a very interesting question, and I see why you are perplexed. But actually the question, and the answer is very simple. As a matter of fact it is so simple that I’m going to let my driver answer that for you.”