she doesn't WANT to be homeless!

The BBQ Pit
1

sigh… this is just me ranting, want SOMEONE to talk to… but all stuff told in private… so will rant to strangers… this isn’t fair… it just isn’t…
I have a girlfreind, she is 20 years old, and has a ~1 year old son(not mine).

but wait, take off your judgement hats, shes not some scanky highschool drop out who got knocked up at the prom or something.

no, she graduated second in the class, she has 15 AP credits for college, she earned a full scholarship to a school in nebraska. she was the smart girl at my school, 4.0 gpa and everything.

then her parents died… she let her scholarship get lost because a few days after she got a “we just need your parent’s signature and its all set” sort of paper… probobly a mistake, but she burnt the papers (how would you feel? if your whole family suddenly died… )

for a year or so, she just sort gave up… quickly got engaged to the guy she was dateing even though she hated him, because she wanted SOMEONE in the world to care about her. ended up pregenent and he ran away.

finally recently she started getting her life back together, start reapplying for college, got back in contact with me (she was my only freind for most of my life… I was her only freind for most of her life) finally we realized we should be dateing … yatta yatta yatta ect ect ect…

things were going well… but then the factory she was working at closed… which she figured “hey thats kinda good, I want to move closer to a college and owlofcreamcheese anyway” so she packs all her stuff in her car and goes apartment hunting…

nothing… there is NOTHING for her. no open apartments in 20 miles of here… time goes on… her current apartment kicks her out… she gets on government help (section 8).

everything is full…

till yesterday… when she gets in contact with the owner of most low cost housing in the state… she gets an interview… they inform her they won’t take her… because he jerk ex ruined the last few apartments they stayed in and blamed her.

shes staying in a homeless shelter now… she has one week to get a place before DHS takes her child… no where wants her… she doesn’t know where to look.

she could get a place on her own if she got a job you might say! well she DOES have a job, they have hired her, but she can’t start untill she has a home… because to get a baby sitting voucher from the government you need an address…

so she can’t pay for babysitting for herself … because she doesn’t have an apartment… because she doesn’t have a job… because she can’t pay for babysitting!

I’m a poor college student right now… I think I might have $500 saved up for a trip to see my freinds who live in texas next summer… been saveing since the middle of highschool… I want to give her that… but she won’t take it… because I have helped her so much already (I pay for the kid’s stuff far more than the father does… who is in jail or… something now… hes a horrible person… hope hes dead really)

thats why I put this in the pit… there is no question or anything… just wanted to rant…

I mean… she is not trying to be a welfare queen! shes got a pretty reasonable job set up, enough so that after a month of working… she will be able to drop welfare and the baby sitting voucher and everything… by next semester she will be able to start college… its just… shes in a hole and there is no foothold…

I wish she would take my money… I don’t need a trip to texas… I need her to be okay… shes the only real freind I have ever had… and the only girlfreind that wasn’t just a joke. $500 would be rent for a month… enough for her to get back on her feet… but… she won’t take it… shes says I have done too much for her in the past (which… derr… I have… I bought her food all of highschool… shes never been not poor… she often could not aford to eat) and I have been helping out buying the kid dipers and formula and cloths since a little after he was born.

I actually wish I had helped her less earlyer… so she would let me now…

sigh… I am even trying to think of some tricky way to give her money… like buying something from her… (you know? “I REALLY like that chair of your parents gave you… I’ll give you 300 dollars for it”)

I don’t want them to take DJ… hes a great kid… I was really looking forward to ending up his dad. I have loved this girl since I was 13 years old… I’m not just being stupid…

sigh… I almost wanna just slap the money in her hand… punch her in the stomach and never talk to her again… if she hated me she’d take the money… even if I never saw her again… she would be alright then… kinda crappy casablanka ending…

sigh… thats my rant… like anyone cares… just had to get it off my chest some… its so hard to watch this all happen to such a wonderful girl… she doesn’t deserve this… no one does

2

Why don’t you tell her it’s a loan?

3

Can’t she stay with you for a while?

4

Print out and show her your post.

Failing that, sit her down and explain very carefully that her pride is not just affecting her, but little DJ as well. If child protection (or whatever the name of the org. is) see fit to remove him from her care because she feels uncomfortable about accepting a financial ‘leg-up’, then she is surely chopping off her nose to spite her face. Tell her the money is to ensure that DJ is safe and secure with his mum, and not for her per se. It might work, but then again, it might not either. Might be worth a try though.

OTOH, her reluctance may be just a bit more than pride. Is she concerned that she will be forever obligated to you for the gift? Are YOU sure that your offer comes with no emotional strings attached? She may not see the relationship in quite the same way as you do, and may indeed not envisage you as being DJ’s daddy somewhere down the track. This might be her way of suggesting you back off just a little. (the above is all just mere speculation on my part…not a judgement about the nature of your relationship. Only you can know what is motivating her apparent ‘stubbornness’ about this issue).

Good luck though owlofcreamcheese Sounds like both of you are going to need a fair bit of it over the next few weeks. Keep us posted on the developments OK?

5

I’m guessing that oocc lives in student housing and can’t take her in, correct?

I have a struggling friend whom I’ve often helped out – not so much with outright cash gifts, but going in on nice gifts for her kids that she couldn’t afford otherwise, lending her expensive items for her extended use (computer, air conditioner), spending significant amounts of time to help her out, more than I would for someone else who has other resources.

One argument I’ve used with her is that if the tables were turned, she would want me to accept her help. People help each other out when they care for each other, and even sometimes when they don’t. It’s worth $500 to you to help keep a family together – it takes a village to raise a child and all that. If she wants to “repay” you, she can do so by graciously saying “thank you” and accepting the money – if not for herself, then on behalf on her child.

Where are you located? There must be some agency that can help. Tell us what state and let the Dopers do their thing.

6

Owl,

Social services is supposed to be there to help, not to hinder. It may take your friend going full-contact bitch on them, but they should be trying to help her find resources, not scaring her.

Check with the Red Cross, the Salvation Army, and every church charity that she can stand to accept money from. Let her use your address even if she won’t live with you. Go to your guidance counselor (or better yet, call back to your high school and speak with one of their counselors or a school nurse, they’ll know more about resources for this kind of problem).

Find out if she can use a PO Box as an address. Hop online, find her a roommate, pay the roommate the $500, and hand her a fait accomplis. See if you have a relative in the area willing to take her just for a month or two.

There’s a lot that can still be done. Don’t give up.

7

If you are in a college town, there must be people looking for people who want to share a house or an apartment. The college probably has a housing office.

8

Set her up with a Mailboxes Etc./Other non PO Box mail place. Most stuff can be addressed like so: 123 Yadda street #125 so it looks like an actual (apartment) address.

9

I think kambuckta is slightly right, but sorta backwards. I have given her loans… and just free money alot of time (and I don’t want to really be payed back on the loans… not right now… just a lie to get her to take the money). if not for her I’d be spending it on a playstation 2 and an imported copy of the newest dance dance revolution… I certainly won’t die any time soon, I’m not rich by any definition, but buying me a movie ticket and buying her a meal is an easy desicion, honestly.

I sorta think, her whole life people have mooched money off of her, or just plain stolen. she gets sad sometimes and says things like “why would someone like you date someone with no future like me” or “you give me so much money, wouldn’t you rather be spending it on yourself”

basicly… she seems to be terrifyed that I will hate her for being lower class than me… she feels like shes just a leach bringing me down… like I should want to date some college girl… or… something.

we’ve been freinds forever, I met her when she was 12, we were both big loser nerds, and we just had eachother all of school. she doesn’t understand that I wouldn’t ditch her so easy… but shes convinced that every dollar she spends of mine makes me like her a dollar less.

and err…emotional string… this is TMI… but makeing sure to NOT put any strings on the gifts… even though we have been dateing 6 months, I won’t go past kissing… just for fear she will want to repay like that. (nerr… not really such a concern now at this point… was earlyer on… that she would think thats what I was REALLY doing or something… ) but generally trying to ask NOTHING of her… untill shes on her feet… because she might feel obligated.

so yeah, its not just pride that she won’t take it… its the fact that she knows what a mooching boyfreind feels like… and doesn’t want to do the same to me… I can’t convince her I don’t mind… she is SURE I will break up with her if she keeps doing this.

sigh…

10

**

Big difference between having money mooched/stolen from you and offering it of your own free will. She is neither a mooch nor a thief.

**

“But I AM spending it on myself when I spend it on you. It gives me great pleasure to be able to provide things for your and your son. And I would feel terrible knowing that I had money available, while you went without.”

**

:frowning: She has that exactly backwards.

Please, oocc, keep trying to help this girl, whether it’s finding outside help or persuading her to let you help her yourself. There are a lot of good ideas in this thread, and you are a wonderful friend for caring.