I would rather not know if everyone involved could keep it a secret forever. It may be philosophical but, if my wife ever engaged in a one-nighter on a business trip and everyone involved kept things quiet for good, it never happened from my perspective which is great. She would never do that and she is a horrible liar but I am serious about what I said.
The philosophy to always, always tell is derived from a soul-mate and codependency standpoint and I don’t support it at all at least for me. I don’t care what other people do. I view marriage from a utilitarian standpoint which just means you find someone who produces your kids, you both raise them the best that you can, and then you try to deal day to day by entertaining each other and offering some practical and emotional support. Under that model, you just do what works and don’t turn your SO into your personal deity with a confessional included.
Don’t listen to me if you want a soul-mate type relationship because I wasn’t raised under that model and my family members operate much like famous people and we will drop someone as soon as it suits us. I don’t think that is bad although it can be costly and inconvenient but it conflicts with some of the opposing views in this thread.
The idea of not telling your spouse is not new or unique at all. Many books, professional psychologists, therapists, and pop psychologists espouse the same view and call confessing a very selfish act.
I would want to know. I would feel even more betrayed if I wasn’t told immediately.
Though it’s hard to fathom the situation. I’ve never cheated or been cheated on and I’d say the odds are slim to none that I’d have a future problem with this. This is because the moment I even began entertaining thoughts of cheating I would tell my husband, ‘‘Shit, I’m seriously thinking of cheating on you; obviously something about our relationship needs to change.’’ I would expect the same from him.
Shagnasty, there isn’t really much I can respond to in your post because we were obviously just raised with different mindsets. As long as both partners have the same understanding of what’s required and what’s acceptable in the relationship, I don’t have any issues with what you’re saying.
I do have one question though:
Unless I misunderstand you, you seem to be implying that having a “soul-mate type relationship” is automatically based on codependency. I’m curious about how you arrived at the conclusion. And if that’s too much of a thread hijack, feel free to PM me.
Answering my own question & commenting on previous answers, I’d say it depends. I say this as both a hopefully-never-again cheater and someone who’s been cheated upon.
Here’s what I mean. A few years back I was involved with a girl I’ll call Elizabeth. I wasn’t in love with her, but I was quite fond of her and might have been in time. At any rate, one night she got drunk while out with some friends and found herself making out with an ex. The ex lived in another city, and the only people who knew were her two best girlfriends, who told her to never, ever tell and promised her that they’d keep the secret to themselves. But she felt guilty, so about a week later she fessed up. I couldn’t handle it and ruined the relationship, which was going quite swimmingly up to that point. Though I’m ultimately happy with how things turned out (because I AM in love wiht my wife and that didn’t take long at all for me to find out), I think elizabeth made a mistake in telling me; she was transferring her bad feelings to me.
On the other hand…well, not to get all confessional, but for a long time in my 20s I was a shit when it came to women; I cheated on my girlfriend and the girls I cheated with, et cetera. Probably I should have told on myself, as this was definite info the GF needed and I had no intention of stopping. But she was never going to get it from me, so it doesn’t matter.
So I guess my answer is: if the cheater is apt to tell the truth, he or she should likely keep mjum. If the cheater’s going to lie, well, teh point’s moot, isn’t it?
I think it is by definition. Soul-mate relationships require each partner to fill each other in on most significant aspects of each other’s lives all the time. It requires constant communication and making sure that the other partner is updated on and approves of even moderate actions. Most significant decisions and even many minor ones have to be approved by the other. Pretty soon, you end up with a partial simulation of what it is like to be a Siamese twin which is the ultimate form of codependency. People that engage in these types of relationships may not even realize what has happened.
When I was a child, I had to get approval from my mother for almost any place that I wanted to go. By high school, I could just come and go as I pleased. That became even more true in college when I had total freedom. Many marriages require that one or more partners regress back to the childhood stage as it relates to aspects of basic adult freedom. People (not so much my wife) have criticized me badly for doing irresponsible things like going to one supermarket rather than another on a Saturday morning without calling my wife first. I can’t even begin to think like that. I will always be back when I say I will. That is all that I care to give.
I know I am not normal but marriages are disposable in my world-view. The only complication comes is when you have kids and that can be worked around. The whole premise of marriage is misinterpreted anyway. It is simply a business contract much like you sign a contract with a business partner. You can have marriage without love and love without marriage. When you combine the divorce rates of marriage with those that are left yet still unhappy, the failure rate is very high overall and certainly well over the 50% mark. Some people do great at it but most don’t. There is no magic formula. You have to do what is right for you.
From my perspective, she was letting you know that she wasn’t as attached to you as she felt she should be and still had feelings for her ex, though she also liked you. I think, if you couldn’t handle her ambivalence, then it was right for you to break up with her, and it was right for her to tell you that she had confused feelings. Ultimately, it worked out because that wasn’t the best relationship for you. So, I’m not sure how this is an example of a reason NOT to tell.
Just because you lie doesn’t mean the secret stays secret, and there are about an infinity of worse ways a person can find out their SO is cheating than a confession.
The bottom line for me is, the relationship is a lie from there on out if you deny the other person the opportunity to make their own choice about how they feel about the cheating. It really is their choice, not yours, and it’s inherently seflish to rationalize that choice away. IMO, the harm has been done, and it’s just a matter of how that harm is manifested… unless the other person wouldn’t care if they knew, in which case, the point really is moot.
At the time, she specifically said that was NOT the case; she emphasized several times that she had no feelings for the ex that were not alcohol fueled and was very afraid that telling me would lead without intermission to a dumping. Which, of course, it did. Well, there was an intermission, but still. Anyway, I believed and believe that she was telling the truth about her feelings, and, of course, I was a hypocrite to dump her.
I agree, some people do really well with being married others do not. And you do have to do what is right for you.
I know one thing that really helps with long term relationships - sex. And lot’s of it! A good sex life where you are a raging hormone one minute and an intimate partner the next. I think everyone can agree codependency is bad and a healthy sex life is good
The OPs question is a very personal one and obviously everyone had a different take!
We sometimes make mistakes. Just say no to a confession unless you can’t sleep at night because of it. It will not go well.
If you truly love her then problem solved, don’t stray again. I’m not married so I don’t have to deal with this situation but why hurt the person you love for one lapse in being lonely?
I’ve been on both sides here. Sometimes it is best to just to shut your mouth. If I ever choose to marry again, I will not stray, but we all learn from our foibles as young people or even not so young people.
I think it depends. If you’re only telling to absolve your guilt, then perhaps you need to offer it more as your answer to the end of the relationship until the other person decides how they feel about you. If you’re only telling because they deserve to know and then pass judgment on your actions, then I’d think that’s straight-forward okay. You don’t ever though, in my humble opinion, have the option of allowing your SO to continue merrily on their way assuming everything is the same and you are as presented. Not fair or acceptable to them at all.
As to myself, I’d only want to know if I thought our relationship was at an optimal level. If it sucked and we weren’t getting much better along regardless, indulging yourself would be pointless. Where sex would be concerned, if it was that bad, there wouldn’t be none anyway, so that part is moot. Everything else being equal without this sort of transgression, I’d think the admission would only be / serve to harm me. Intentionally, probably.
~faithfool, former cheater who told the truth – in a shell-shocked unfixable marriage prior, during and after – and am only certain that I did the right thing in the fact that I’ll never have his respect again
You hope to never cheat again? Elizabeth found herself making out with her ex?
Cheating isn’t a puddle you accidentally step in. It’s a choice you make. It doesn’t happen, you choose it. If you don’t want to cheat on your wife, just choose not to. I realize you said in your OP that you’re not considering it, and I totally believe you. What I don’t get is that you’re hoping you won’t. Just don’t.
Anyway… your question. I think that the partner you commit yourself to has a right to the truth. Like others have said, they have the right to make their own decisions based on the truth.
Can’t speak to Elizabeth, obviously. I phrase it thusly because I have found that making blanket statements of intention is an invitation to disaster. I don’t want to discount cheating as impossible, because that’s pretending that the part of me that is a cheater doesn’t exist any more. But it does still exist; it’s not going away. It’s something I have to guard against.
I have an absolute responsibility to control in whom my dick goes, and saying “I know I’ll never cheat again,” it seems to me, is, ah, dangerously cocky.
I felt awful cheating on my first wife and even worse finding out that my second wife was cheating on me.
There is always a reason unless you are just a cold hearted ass. I will make no excuses, I let mr. winky make the choice. As I advance in age and hopefully wisdom those days are past me.
I can absolutely see why some people would want to know. I can also see (and agree) why some people would not want to know. But I think what you, the cheater, would or would not want is irrelevant.
This is one of those cases where the Golden Rule is bullshit. I think the best thing to do is not to treat your partner as you’d like to be treated, but to treat them as THEY would like to be treated. And I’d hope that by the time marriage came up, you’d already have had this discussion as a hypothetical long before it’s ever needed in a practical sense.
In my own personal marriage, my husband is on orders not to tell me of a one-time only violation of our marital agreements. I, on the other hand, would tell him. Because we’ve talked about it, and agreed to respect the other’s wishes, even though they’re different.
In the circumstances that you described? I wouldn’t want to know. Seriously. It would just piss me off. It wouldn’t change anything, you know? Especially if it were confessed after the fact. It’d tear me up until I got over it. Which, if it were truly one time, I would. So. . .seriously. Why bother?
Now, ongoing affair? I’d want to know so that things could be ended to the satisfaction of all involved. But a one-time fling? Hell no.
Ironically, in my marriage, this was an issue. My ex-husband wanted to do the whole. . .I don’t know, swinging thing? Kind of pressured me to be involved with other people (or, at least, that’s how it felt). He was as well.
He would talk about it incessantly, which would piss me off (if it’s happening, I don’t want to hear about it). I wouldn’t talk about it at all, which would piss him off (I don’t talk about that kind of thing, and really wasn’t enamoured of the whole idea of being in another relationship anyway, but, hey, old college try and all). Utterly incompatible.
