Just don’t bring it up during the prayer, while heads are bowed or after the prayer.
Give your friend a chance to make the necessary changes… mention it while you’re being invited, or quietly while you’re dealing with putting your coats, or somewhere else neutral. And just say what you’ve said here (or something along the lines of “I’m not comfortable praying, can we skip over me this time?”) And hope the friend has enough tact not to draw further attention to that.
Any good friend should be more than happy to do that. They shouldn’t want to put you on the spot, especially when you’re being respectful to their beliefs by hanging out quietly while others are praying.
This would be my choice as well, provided that I was forewarned that I was going to be invited to participate. Probably if I was caught off guard something rude and or stupid would fall out of my mouth. :dubious: But then a lovely time would not be had by all, and I don’t feel it would be a betrayal of my non-belief to make a statement of thankfullness, so long as I don’t have to say that I’m thanking God, or that I feel blessed, etc.
It would be so nice if someday there were enough athiests and agnostics that people would take a moment to wonder if they were going to offend someone by assuming everyone believes the way they do. I get a little twinge at complete strangers, with the best of intentions, tell me to have a Blessed day, offer to pray for me, or even vow to me with complete sincerity that God has a plan for me, he works in mysterious ways, and he’ll make things work out if I just have faith in him. AIIIIGH!
If most of his friends are Christian, or religious, he just may not have thought about it, especially if you haven’t brought it up. If I had a friend who was uncomfortable saying grace that way at my table, I’d want to know about it. I think you should find a time to mention it to him, quietly and tactfully, before the situation comes up again. Maybe he could change the routine, to let people say grace kind of randomly, instead of in order around the table. Maybe you could sit next to him and he could just skip over you. I’m sure there’s a way to work it out, but I definitely think you should let him know. As a host he’ll want you to be comfortable.
My father, who was “daily Mass”, had a favourite way of saying grace that would have been at the very least politically incorrect. In the original sense of the world… it’s not offensive, it does make reference to some political ideas that would leave many people too stunned to eat.
He never used it in a context where it would shock people, but if someone had asked him to take part in a “each a line” grace, he might have trotted it out. It’s the kind of kumbayah stuff that made him (discreetely) roll his eyes when our Franciscan parish priests did it
I don’t think that your friend, being a friend and a caring person (he is, right?), will continue this custom knowing that it makes a guest uncomfortable. If I had been doing something that made my guests uncomfortable, I would appreciate being told!
As a minority, you don’t have to do shit. I do not bow my head. I remain silent while someone else is speaking (as is the secular and polite thing to do). What is impolite is asking other people to jump on the bandwagon, as if numbers made a difference.
When it comes to your turn, say something like, “take it away, Mike” and pass it to the next guy. You don’t need to explain yourself.
How about you combine this with the “cavalier” version mentioned by Jodi?
Ask to go last, and when it’s your turn, say:
“Good bread, good meat, good friends, let’s eat.”
Don’t be dismissive; be expansively generous, big smile, like you’re wrapping up everybody’s thoughts and wishes and putting a bow on them. Make it the big finish, and then tuck in.
Normally I would concur to just go with the flow - but he said this is a good friend of his. And yes, I do expect more out of my good friends. I expect more respect, for one.
I don’t think so; if you consider a blessing as a sort of “thanks” there are plenty of people you can thank besides God, like the cook, the friends, the prosperity that allows you to enjoy the meal. The friends might take the secular blessing as a sign that one believes in God but that’s their problem, only a jerk would say “thanks for the food, man, and by the way, there’s no God.”
I would feel more singled out and uncomfortable if I were the only one not speaking, so I would just say a secular blessing and leave it at that.
Don’t forget even within Christianity there are different ways of doing things. I still remember the time I visited a friend’s church and was called on to witness! :eek: I believe the first words out of my mouth were something like, “You have to understand. I’m English. We don’t do this!” I don’t think I’d be comfortable with this form of saying grace the first time it happens, and I feel sorry for the person who goes last, especially if it’s a large party. It seems to me that the best lines are taken by the first few people.
iamthewalrus(:3=, if he’s a good friend and one worth keeping, I’d have a quiet talk with him about this sometime. If nothing else, you can say you’re not comfortable with having to do that kind of spontaneous speaking and leave religion out of it completely. There are a lot of people like that out there.
No one has ever asked me to say grace, for some weird reason, but I’d recommend something along the lines of “By the malevolence of the Old Gods - the Lord of Fire and the Goddess of Murder, we will devour this lifeless and incinerated flesh before us!”
Should be good for a laugh… or something.
Yeah, I usually just stand there quietly and look around the room. In your case I’d pass the first time, ask not to be included the second time, and trot out the old gods the third.
Not many people know that the “H” stands for “Herschel”. I’m sure everyone would be impressed with that extra bit of trivia.
Also, make sure you give the complete reference, “Jesus H. Christ on a cross!” They’ll love the fact that you are so well versed in their faith.
He knows very well that I’m an atheist. We lived together for several months and have on occasion had discussions about religious matters. And I’m not offended by his beliefs or by the grace, I’m just uncomfortable at being a part of it.
I think that the first time this happened was at a Thanksgiving dinner, and it was just a “everyone give thanks for something” thing. Most people offered up a prayer of thanks, and I just said that I was thankful for good food and company. It was only the next time that it was more overtly religious and I felt more uncomfortable.
Well, that wouldn’t really be true, and he knows it. Generally, a very tactful suggestion, though.
You’re right. I don’t have to. But these are friends at a private gathering. Since some might perceive it as rudeness, it’s not a battle I care to fight right now.
Thanks to everyone for your input and suggestions.
Any time that this has come up, I just say that I am uncomfortable with praying publicly, as my faith is more private. If the issue is pressed, I respectfully quote Matthew 6:6, where Jesus says the following:
This was my practice when I was a teenage practicing Catholic, and is still my practice now as a pagan with cultural ties to and great respect for Christianity. I feel comfortable quoting it because that passage is still very much something I believe is true, regardless of creed. Just don’t quote the passage before it:
Quoting that part would be. . .well, unnecessarily harsh. Seeing it here, though, does give you some context.
It rarely comes up for me, but if it does, if it’s a surprise I say “Let us be thankful for this food and this company” or something - I mean, it doesn’t have to be religious. If I know it’s going to happen, like you do, I’d say something discreetly, privately, before. However, Thanksgiving blessings of “let’s all go around and give one thing we’re thankful for” I think are very nice and you can mention your God and I’ll mention the mashed potatoes.
Asking him to drop the custom entirely would be out of line in my view, but I do think it is reasonable to ask him if he can try to remember to make his blessings/thanksgivings inclusive of those who aren’t religious like at the Thanksgiving “giving thanks for the company” thing.
Hopefully that way, the religious ones will be able to still do their prayers and you can still choose not to be part of the praying without being conspicuous about it.
