call my ex’s folks?
here is the story (short version) for more details…see the “I am so mad” thread in the pit.
he hasnt see the kids since the end of july, and I last spoke to him in late august. At that time, he said he would see the kids soon, pay his support, blah blah blah, he hasnt even phoned them, even though it was frankies birthday LST monday, and I am beginning to wonder if he is just ‘done’ with them…
My quandry: My mom is dying, and she wants the boys to have a relationship with the ex’s mom, so they will still have a grandmother when she is gone (ouch-hurt to type!) I have told the ex that whatever goes on between me & him is not a reflection of how I feel about his mom…she was very kind when she heard about mom.
BUT:
His mom has not called or anything, and they havnt seen her since mid july…are they(his parents) being like this because he told them stuff? ( they never liked me at all, and since the last break up, I think his dad really strongly dislikes me…I have talked to his mom back in late aug, and she was supposed to get some of shitboys insurance info for me (he put the kids on his policy, but I have reciepts for prescriptions, and no way to get the $$, because he wont tell me where to submit them.
I have also called there (late aug-early sept) looking for shitboy, and was told he wasnt there, and he was.)
is he saying he CANT see the kids?
Should I call her and tell her she can?
Will that look like I am stalking the ex?
Should I bother at all? They are really white trash, and maybe the kids are better off without them…
I dont want a debate about fathers vs mothers, and grandparents rights, all that stuff…I just want to know what you guys think…Should I call?
It couldn’t hurt, Kel. What do you have to lose? If they hate your guts, and never want to hear from you, I doubt your calling is going to make things WORSE. But on the off chance that they want to help you and want to see the kids, I say go for it. Attempting communication is never a bad thing, in my book.
I am sorry to hear this is happening to you and the boys. Your stress-o-meter must be through the roof!
Poor Kellibelli. You must really be going through hell. This is the last thing you need to worry about!
Call Mrs Shitboy, tell her you have no beef with her and that it's yours and your dying mothers wish for the kids to have a grandmother figure.
That's all you can do. What ever the outcome, you'll be at peace with yourself knowing you made an honest try at honoring your mothers wishes.
I know if I hadn’t been given the opportunity to continue my relationship with my paternal grandmother, my life would be much sorrier for it. She’s a wonderful woman.
Anyway, I would call, let her know you and your mom want the kids to have a grandma-figure in the picture, and see what she says. DON’T raise any issues about money, insurance, what a complete waste of personhood their son it, etc. Bring up only the fact that you would like them (the kids) to be able to know their grandparents. The choice will be theirs. If they decide they don’t want to, the kids will be better off. If they do, hopefully the relationship will be beneficial. I WOULD keep an strong eye on them if they do want a relationship and make sure you keep your ears open for any “information” the grandparents may casually slip to the kids about you “Oh gee, your mom is a bad person etc etc”. Don’t know if they are this petty but… Good luck! Keep us posted!
thanks guys…I am actually not too stressed at the moment, I keep putting this aside and hoping it will resolve itself. sigh But it wont, will it?
They can be pretty petty, and dont fear, I will be careful. They have always treated boys boys as their own, even though the oldest was a year old when they met him (first marriage-no contact with the bio. fath.) and both of my kids like them…
You dont think this would look like I was fishing for info on shitboy?
I wont say a word about him…but with my luck, HE will answer the phone!
Hi Kelli,
You should let your kids see their grandparents even if you don’t like them. However, since your piece of crap ex isn’t into paying child support I would make sure that he would not be there at any time whence the kids are. With this stated, I would not force your kids to go, they should only go if they want to.
Shitboy can see them…I can fight him (in court)for the money, it has no bearing (for me) on whether or not he sees them, I dont want them to know about the $$, and they need and deserve to see shitboy, he is not abusive or anything, and except for being absent and a deatbeat, he hasnt hurt them.
After all, the kids arent for rent…
and if I made that type of stipulation…it would totally turn his folks against me, and I would really have to worry about what they said about me, etc…which would sort of defeat the purpose of a visit.
I don’t know that you need to have a melodramatic The boys need grandparents conversation, which may imply their title is more important than they are (that may well be true, but it’s best they not realize you feel that way.)
Why not simply call and casually mention that the boys haven’t seen them in a while, and when would be a good time? Their response will probably answer your unasked questions. Or that you and the boys were planning to go Wherever, and would they like to join you? (neutral territory is never a bad thing)
Hi, this is Kelli, I was just calling to let you know that even though Shitboy isnt seeing the kids right now, that you can still see them whenever you want, I dont have a problem with that. Ted is over his whooping cough, and if you still want to take him for the weekend, he would love to go.
Hi, this is Kelli. I hadn’t talked to you in a while adn just wanted to let you know the boys are doing fine (fill in with some details from school or whatever). Also, I know things aren’t real smooth between Shitboy and myself however, I want you to know that anytime you’d like to see the boys is great with me. I know they love spending time with you and Mr. Grandpa (only if this is true ) so feel free to give me a call if you’d ever like to arrange a time to do something with them.
Little less confrontational maybe. Just an idea. My idea behind this is to present yourself in such a good light that they begin to think “boy, Kelli is sure nice. I’m not sure if I believe all the crappy things Shitboy says about her.” Hey, you can hope!! Psychology, don’t ya know.
Grandparent figures, whether they are biological grandparents or not, are nice to have, especially if they enjoy being grandparents.
I’m going through something like that with my stepson. His mother has cut off contact with her own parents…I don’t know exactly why, but they evidently have a hideous relationship. My husband’s parents are both deceased, but there’s a step-grandma in the picture. She’s a wonderful lady, but she’s in Arkansas, and we’re in Michigan. My stepson feels bad, because he thinks he doesn’t have any grandparents. So I did what I thought was best…talked to my own parents, and asked them if they minded being grandparents to my stepson as well. My parents were delighted to step in and fill that role. They adore the grandchildren that they already have, and do a fabulous job grandparenting.
My advice to you would be give your ex’s parents a call. And keep calling from time to time, even if they reject your first advance. Fill them in on the kids, at least. They may come around eventually.
Kelli- my 2 cents
You may want to try Bunnygirls approach (I think it will be a great approach), then about once a month- send a card to them (maybe the kids can make one) and put some school info in it, some pictures and things like that. You’ll be keeping contact, keeping the doors open, and you don’t have to have a gut wrenching conversation or debate about this all the time. (And you won’t have to talk to shitboy if you don’t want to). I know you know this, but you can’t force these people to be good grandparents- it seems to me that if they were interested in doing that they would be trying a little harder now. But in any event, if you keep the lines of communication open (and don’t bring shitboy into it if you can help it) you’ll have done your part and fulfilled your mom’s wishes to the best of your ability.
Hang in there, kelli…I’m so sorry you have to go through all this with your mom ill.
It was dark all around.
There was frost in the ground
When the tigers broke free-
Thanks for all the thoughts, I keep hoping they will call first so it wont be so awkward.
and (insert drumroll)…Shitboy has PAID his child support!!! 2 months worth was recieved yesterday at family court.Whew!
Scott, I dont mind if the kids see their dad, I havnt limited his access, he did that on his own…
I dont know if there is really any point in calling, they dont live far away (15 minutes) so even sending a card would be odd, and trust me Bunn, no matter what I do, they will ALWAYS think I am the biggest bitch walking. Frankie is actually named after shitboy’s dad-Clifford Francis Shitboy.
They wanted to call him ‘little Cliff’ I said NO WAY!!! and frankie it was.
I figure if they gave a crap, they would have called, and if I try to push them to be grandparents, they will, for a while, same as shitboy, I cant make them love the boys. It seems inevitable, and to fight it, futile. They hardly mentioon their dad now, and never the grandparents, this might just prolong the pain they will feel…
) so feel free to give me a call if you’d ever like to arrange a time to do something with them.
for the humor-impaired )