Children should hopefully respect their parents, but when rules make no sense, or seem to hurt the child in the eyes of the child (such as denial to social interaction), the parents has to ask themselves what is the reason for insistence on this rule to make sure they are not just getting into a pissing match with their child, which they can use power to win that battle but ultimately lose respect.
Just had to say that kanicbird cracks me up.
I would definitely cancel the account (or at least make him believe I had).
I would also teach him how to brown bag a huge lunch that could be used for 2nd breakfast, lunch and 2nd lunch. (Assuming that he admits to being hungry which is probably true.) I would make sure to have healthy things for him to pack. If he wants to eat anything I have not provided, he’d be buying it himself with his own money.
Maybe after a little while (a month?) of being responsible with this I would reopen the issue.
Good point, CrazyCatLady. I can see how the sneaking around would be something you’d want to stop.
I feel like “I would prefer to have breakfast at school” is a reasonable choice for a young adult to make. There are a number of reasons why someone would want to eat at school, and I don’t think $1.25 is much more than what it costs to provide similar food at home.
I mean, if your husband said “Hey, let’s cut back on breakfast food a bit. I’m finding it works better for me to grab a bagel at the office.” you probably wouldn’t give it a second thought. If you wanted to grab breakfast at the office, you wouldn’t hesitate either. Now that your son is in high school, it’s time to recognize that he should also have some respect given to his choices. It’s not really his fault that he can’t really bring a lot of income into the household. If he feels like he has no good outlet for having a say in the household and his life, he is going to turn to bad ones.
I think the big question is, why didn’t he feel comfortable making this request? As I entered my teen years, my mother let me know that I was free to slowly take on more of my life decisions if I could convince her that I had the maturity to think through my decisions.
When I wanted permission to spend weekends hanging out with friends downtown, she had me prepare a short powerpoint presentation on what my plan was (including where I’d go, what time I’d get back, how I’d get around, etc.), what I needed from her, and why I thought this was a good thing for me to do. When I wanted to become a vegetarian, she had me read and summarize a number of books on nutrition for teenage vegetarians. I think this method helped me build up maturity, transition into being able to make adult decisions, and made me feel like a valued part of the household.
Kumba-yaaaaaaaa…
As a parent, I expect my child to obey rules I have set. I also expect him to ask for explanations of rules he doesn’t understand and to propose possible alternatives or compromises. He knows this. He does this. It works. Sometimes the rule is modified or done away with. Sometimes it isn’t.
He also knows that when he doesn’t come talk to me about the rules he doesn’t like/understand and makes the decision to break those rules, there are consequences.
Kudos for teaching your kid boundaries and personal accountability.
While children need to follow rules, at some point parents have to give up a little bit of control and let the kid decide what they want. He’s going to be old enough to drive a car in a year or so, and he can’t choose for himself whether or not to buy a muffin?
How is this kid going to learn decision making and financial skills when he is not allowed to make even the simplest of choices? Personally, I think an allowance is the right choice here. Let him choose what he spends “his” money on, if he runs out he runs out. That’s how you learn to make good choices and keep a budget, not by being forced to make the “right” decision by adults. Of course, the allowance has to be bigger than 5 days worth of lunches.
Why?
But he’s not going to run out, that’s the problem. The school extends his credit, and his parents have to pay off. So he suffers no consequences for his poor choices because his parents have to bail him out each time.
If the school accepts cash, then sure, give him cash and when he runs out, tough luck. But if they don’t accept cash, then the options are more limited.
ETA: Alternatively, let him be in charge of the account. He has to pay it off.
Not if he isn’t going to pay for it himself. He’s on a budget. He needs to learn how to live on a budget, and he needs to learn the consequences of not doing it correctly. Just handinmg him more money teaches him nothing and enables irresponsible behavior.
The problem is that they give all students this account, whether they bring a lunch or eat at school. **I don’t know if we can get them to close the account. **They told us last year flat out that they will not refuse food to a hungry kid… which I can appreciate in the case of kids who don’t have food at home, but he has lots of options for breakfast at home he just prefers the sugary muffins and sweet rolls he gets at school.
He’s $14 in the hole right now, which we’re going to make him pay out of his savings account.
We’ve emailed the lunch coordinator and the principal about the issue and we’re waiting to hear back whether the account can be limited or, if need be, closed.
I don’t care if he spends his allowance on muffins. I mean I’d rather he didn’t eat all that sugar, but at the same time, at his age, he deserves some financial freedom with his own money.
Re: driving: here in Massachusetts you have to be 16 to get a permit, and I think it’s 16 1/2 to get a license. I don’t think I want him getting a job right now because we’re still trying to get him to do all of his homework. Anything that takes away from his homework time would be counterproductive at this point. (He’s gotten much better this year though).
Oh, and no balogna for Dominic. We’re both vegetarians 
We moved just over a year ago, so he has friends he made last year
Well, Playboy isn’t exactly porn. But taking away his Playboys is an idea that hadn’t occurred to me…
This is a problem, granted, but it’s a problem still ultimately caused by the kid, not the school. If the school won’t cut him off, then his consequences are going to have to come from the parents.That means he’s either going to have to pay for the deficits himself or or work them off somehow. Simply bailing him out should not be an option.
ETA - sorry, you replied as I was typing out a response and addressed most of what I said.
How can the school not let you close the account? Isn’t it tied to a bank account? What would happen if you closed the bank account (I realize that is a pain.)
But anyway, I would imagine just having him pay you back any overage would work, or does he not have any money of his own?
It’s not?
I would agree that it’s not full on porn in the sense of explicit sex acts, but I wouldn’t let my 14-15 year old that exhibits the level of maturity, that is described by the OP, have access to Playboy either. It sounds like it’s being given to someone with the maturity of a 7 year old. There’s a reason you have to be over 18 to buy it.
Why more than just the lunch money?
You don’t learn how to make good choices by having only one choice. You don’t learn budgeting by having so little money you spend every bit of it on one meal per day.
On preview… he apparently gets an allowance beyond his lunch money already, that’s clearly where the breakfast money needs to come from. Assuming it’s enough to cover breakfast, I don’t think a battle of wills over buying breakfast makes much sense. He needs to learn that buying breakfast means he doesn’t buy other things.
He is immature in some areas, not in others. We don’t have a problem with him looking at naked people. We just don’t think it’s that big a deal, and the alternative is that he’s gonna sneak around behind our backs and try to find it other ways, like online–where he’ll come across much worse stuff.
Then tell them they need to limit what they sell to healthy foods. Hungry kid?.. here have an apple or some celery. A muffin is not required to live.
In my opinion this school is out of control. If they want to give your child food against your wishes, then they can pay for it.
But that’s the whole point. I’m sure it was awesome the first time you gave him porn, but I guarantee he’s got his own stash somewhere of stuff you didn’t supply him.
So basically you’re worried about all the ways in which he can use your money to grant him access to a muffin.