We use the same passwords. We have a short password and a long password. It’s just easier. We’ve been together about 15 years.
Seinfeld fans will know George Costanza has the definitive answer to this questions.
I have no problem with sharing passwords for things that make sense, like online banking or maybe a service we both use like if we had Netflix or the like. Otherwise, I don’t see the point. In theory, you should trust her enough to know that she won’t do anything wrong with it, but by the same token, she should trust you enough to not want to snoop and, not having any other need for it, not need it; so since it really shouldn’t matter either way, why complicate it and just leave it as it is. Besides, also as mentioned upthread, what if things go sour? Maybe things get really bad really quickly, can you be sure you’ll change all your passwords quickly enough?
I remember my ex tried to exchange passwords at one point, and I told her more or less the same thing, it’s not that I don’t trust her, but why did she even want to know? When she tried to give me her password, I refused.
For me, it’s the same sort of thing with secrets. If a friend tells me something in confidence, I won’t share it with anyone, but why do you even care? Sure, I would trust a GF after a reasonable amount of time not to share it, but it’s not my place to decide who knows my friends’ secrets. This goes double for security clearances; I remember my ex asking me about that and if I’d share that information with her. First off, why do you care? The most important part of trustworthiness isn’t preventing the proliferation of secrets, but following the principles of what it means to be trustworthy.
And really, I want to share my life with someone, but I still want some things that are just mine. It doesn’t mean I’m hiding anything or not trusting, it’s just nice to have a little privacy. And equally, I want her to have things that are just hers; I don’t want to be ever-present in every single aspect of her life. Is being the only one with my e-mail, wow, and various message board passwords too much to ask?
This almost described the situation with my wife. Except that she was more than mildly…make that much more than mildly…put off. I got yelled at for a half hour or so while quietly maintaining my position, but wouldn’t give. And the topic came up a few times in the following months – each time with less vitriol. Now, I think she sees it as a minor quirk of mine, but she’s also learned to be more careful with her own information.
I was in a CS PhD program at the time. Although I’m not a systems guy, I know a bit about computer security. The thing is: anyone knowing my password(s) but me violates the entire principle of having a password. She insisted that she’d forget what I told her. Then that she didn’t mind if I knew her password(s). I simply insisted that I didn’t want to know hers, nor should she want to know mine.
Shared stuff, like the home router, bank accounts, etc.? Of course that’s OK – they’re shared. But my password to login at the university? No – it’s not a matter of trust, it’s a matter of principle and good security practices. That’s all, no more and no less.
We don’t go out of our way to share passwords, but if there were a reason I don’t think either of us would hesitate to share: if he needed me to get information from an email account or something, he’d tell me his password, but not casually.
We don’t snoop on each other, but we don’t go out of our way to respect each other’s privacy, either: if I know some number I need to fill out a form is on an email in his inbox, I’ll go look for it without bothering to wake him up to ask if it’s ok; I’d be fine with it if he did the same. But I wouldn’t ever go look at his email out of suspicion.
I think it’s appropriate to share them at the point where you share the PIN to the ATM and create joint finances. My husband and I use what used to be my bank account, and I remember the “strange” feeling of telling him my PIN, and that was after marriage. I guess that’s the new virginity. After a month of dating, that’s crazy talk! Serious boundary issues.
If sharing them violates the Terms of Service or other policies (as it would with work or school) then they shouldn’t be shared.
This sums us up precisely.
Girlfriend / boyfriend? should share? Oh hell no.
As an old married fart (hmmm, I’m a girl, should that be fartess?) my husband and I have access to each other’s financial accounts, mainly because I do all the billpaying etc. In fact I have to periodically remind him where the passwords for his accounts are noted :p. If I didn’t, and something happened to me, he’d be up a creek without a paddle!
I think I know the password to his email, and he mine, but I’d be shocked if he demanded it - and neither of us has gone into the other’s email without telling the owner. And that’s happened maybe twice.
I do know of some married couples where one spouse does all the financials… and the other spouse does not know the passwords. That’s scary. But for email / facebook? even among spouses? hardly a requirement!!
ETA: Just realized, I don’t think I know his email password… but he’s used my laptop to check his email once or twice and it’s saved there in the telnet client. So as long as I have this laptop, I guess I could snoop… and he could snoop in my email if he used the desktop where my passwords are saved. So I guess if he accidentally drops my laptop and smashes it, I’ll know something’s up 
Queef
This. My husband and I will occasionally share “unimportant” passwords (ones which are used only for low-security applications), but otherwise, no. Even financial ones (if something ever happened to me, I’m assuming he could go to the relevant institutions and wave our marriage license in their faces). On the other hand, I don’t care if he looks over my shoulder while I mess around with my email or Facebook. As above, it’s not about trust.
:eek:
I’ll have you know I’m a happily married, STRAIGHT woman!
What?
:::whisper whisper:::
Oh.
Never mind! [/emily latella]
If your g/f insists she needs your passwords then she is a psycho and you should leave her.
It’s a little different in my relationship since I work in the area of computer forensics and data security and whatnot. It requires a bit more trust on her part that I won’t take our (really my) computer’s hard drive to work and just take whatever information I need to access whatever I want.
Which I wouldn’t do because I’m not a dick.
I’m my mom’s primary source of computer tech support, and she’s told me her passwords. Well, password, actually, since she uses the same one for everything. I’ve tried to tell her not to tell me, and that she could keep it to herself just as well, but she insists. Yes, she’s my mother, and I don’t anticipate ever having a falling-out with her, and I certainly think I’m trustworthy, but I just think it’s best to consistently make a habit of not sharing one’s personal passwords with anyone. And if I don’t want my own mother’s passwords, then I certainly wouldn’t want a girlfriend’s.
We have access to some of each other’s accounts, but mostly because they’re the sort we keep logged in (email, facebook, some web-based games), and we don’t go snooping around in each other’s stuff. I have some of his personal information (checking account #, and he just gave me his PIN this week to take out his half of rent) because he goes out of town frequently and needs me to deposit checks or whatever.
If he didn’t need me to take care of that stuff, I wouldn’t have the information. We aren’t married, I have no rights to his personal information, and it’s none of my business. He doesn’t have my financial info because it’s never come up that he would need it.
It’s not that we don’t trust each other (after almost 3 years, there’s nobody I trust more). I’d be perfectly comfortable giving him access to anything if he had a reason to, but if there’s no reason, why do it?
We know each other’s passwords just because of things that have come up, like today when she asked me to log in to her gmail to check for the train reference number so that she could get her ticket.
In the unlikely event that we’d never had to do anything like that, I suppose we wouldn’t know each other’s passwords - it wouldn’t occur to me to want a partner’s password just because.
I don’t know that there is a universal “should,” just what works for different people.
I would be unlikely to give them out to a girlfreind, especially after only a month. A month is nothing. And I’d be uncomfortable if she started asking for them, even after a months of dating. To me that raises red flags.
OTOH, if/when I get get engaged or married, I can’t imagine NOT giving my wife any passwords she might/want need access to, just as a convenience thing.
lol :d
That is passive-aggressive and controlling psychotic behavior to demand to know passwords. Short of that, have anonymous accounts, and give your passwords to your “real” stuff. Good god.
I have Airman’s passwords, and he has mine. When he’s deployed, I often need to get into his pay information and personal e-mail, and he’s had to get into my e-mail. I just sift through what I need to know and forget what I don’t.
I have my husband’s passwords. He has mine. He doesn’t really have time to sit at the computer for any period of time, so he asks me to check his Facebook and Gmail because he keeps in touch with far-away family that way.
I think it’s appropriate to share passwords in an established long term relationship when there has been cheating or untrustworthy behavior in the past. I know a couple who have all each others passwords because at one point he was using the internet to carry on an emotional affair with an ex of his. She needed complete transparency in order to be able to rebuild trust. But sharing all passwords as a matter of course, a month into the relationship? No way. There’s no reason to share any of that information unless there is a specific reason to do so?