Dating so soon after a drawn-out illness (Hep C, stroke, etc.) and death of a spouse is quite normal. I’ve seen it a half dozen times in the past few years, and in many of the cases the children take it hard. That’s a shame, in my opinion. He needs to get happy, and he doesn’t deserve lectures.
While I understand why this is hard for you, your wife’s comments are pretty fucked up. He looks happy, and that’s not a compliment? What the hell?
My Dad died four months after my Mom did. Be glad you still have him, and be happy for his happiness.
I might have some concerns if there were big changes of a legal manner (marriage, co-signing loans, etc.) but mostly I’m with the “let the man have some fun” group.
This isn’t a zero-sum game; your dad being happy with his new girlfriend doesn’t detract from the happiness he had with your mother, and it should detract even less from your own memories of her: because he’s dating somebody else doesn’t suddenly negate your mother. And your carping about her being a gold-digger, frankly, sounds like something you’ve created to bolster your resentment of her. I reiterate: be glad he’s happy, welcome her, and swallow your adolescent resentment. Do you think your mother would want it otherwise?
:eek: Think about what this sounds like. And what it indicates about what his life had been like before.
His relationship with your mother was different from your relationship with your mother, and his grief and recovery over her passing is different from yours.
Unfortunately, you’re not going to get the Dad you want out of this experience. It will be less stressful for you in the long run if you accept that this is who he is and what he’s going to do, and make your decisions about what kind of relationship you want with him based on that.
PS: Your 11-year-old may be picking up on cues from you. Whatever your own feelings might be, consider separately whether you should be sharing them with your child.
Will you people stop scolding the OP! He is grieving, too. Cut him some slack.
Losing your spouse is a devastating event. So is losing your mom. After my husband died, I wasn’t interested in dating for about a year and a half. I wouldn’t have been able to admit it then, but even that was probably too soon for me, as I became involved with an active alcoholic. My stepson lost his wife at age 50 and he was on a dating site six weeks later. Now he’s engaged. <shrug> No one in the family can wrap their brain around that.
It’s hard not to judge. Work out your feelings with friends or a therapist or a journal. I’m sure your dad is suffering, and this is his way of coping. Don’t cut him off or punish him as much as you may want to vent your anger.
As others said, my condolences, and sure this sort of situation doesn’t make grieving for your mother any easier.
Personally, based one what was said here, my first guess would be that his relationship is largely his way of grieving, or perhaps better said, not grieving. I don’t know how long they were married and how close they were, but I can imagine that, especially after a rather sudden death like that, the prospects of being alone and depressed were frightening. So, when a reasonable prospect came along, he latched on. I’m sure he is happy, but the other side of grieving isn’t being happy, it’s being at peace, and that definitely doesn’t seem to be the case here.
The unfortunate part here is that, even if he is done with his grief or is able to grieve at the same time–which is possible, if unlikely–his behavior is hurting the people around him. It’s selfish of him to interject her into the lives of his kids and grandkids in such a situation, aware that it’s hurting the grieving of you for your mother and your kids for their grandmother. How much more jolting can it be to see another woman, no matter how wonderful she may be, in the place where your mother/grandmother should be.
I would have a talk with him about it, but go into it a bit more than just saying you’re hurt. Try to explain to him why you feel hurt. I think you should be happy that he’s happy–I’m sure anyone who loves someone else should be–but that’s not carte blanche to fail to mind your surroundings. The grieving process for losing a spouse isn’t the same as losing a mother, nor is it the same for losing a grandmother, likely one of the first exposures to death for those kids, and he should be sensitive to those needs. That doesn’t mean he needs to stop seeing her, he shouldn’t stop for any reason other than because he wants to, but he should be wary of how he behaves with her when in your company. He also shouldn’t be sacrificing family time only a matter of months afterward; it’s a time to help get that family solidarity and grieving done.
In the end, all you can do, though, is express your feelings and concerns; only he can actually choose to abide them or not. But try not to hold your breath, if he is avoiding his grief, he’ll almost certainly keep going the same way for a while longer.
For Mary’s sake, I don’t get that she is anything but sincere, but she too should be aware of the situation and should try to help to restrain him. If there is a large difference in their wealth, punctuated by the sort of jokes you mention, it may make it difficult for her to feel like she can do much more than let him do what he wants. Sort of like’s gotten lucky too, and she’s as much in the teenager type of mentality, after years teaching and all, as he is.
If it helps, this is the sort of pattern I’ve seen before a few times. He’s had a sudden jarring change, he’s lost his wife, and it’s like a big sort of regression back to being a teenager to avoid those fears of death and age that these events bring up. I think it will pass, but only time will tell if they keep dating or not. For your and his sake, I hope it resolves sooner rather than later.
This.
Perhaps this wouldn’t have been the case if your sister hadn’t told him it would be “best” for him to stay at a hotel.
Look, he has to have his own life. He doesn’t live close by. If he’s not out visiting with you or another sibling, he has to spend every moment of his life alone, in his fancy big house on the island.
Did he rush into dating faster than one might like? Sure. But the past is the past. This Mary woman seems to be nice, outside of a baseless accusation of gold digging, and makes your dad happy.
Pushing him away isn’t going to help your relationship with him.
But also this:
I am sorry you are going through this. Your pain is real, and it’s perfectly reasonable to feel it.
But your father is a grown up. He gets to decide when he is comfortable dating and who he’d like to date. It seems like he’s the type who doesn’t like to be alone, and it is what it is. He is in what has become a committed relationship, and it’s normal and appropriate for couples to show affection, travel together, and generally want to spend a lot of time together. You don’t have to like it and you don’t have to like her, but he doesn’t deserve you giving them dirty looks, sitting around with a stopwatch when he’s on dates, and theorizing about their state of dishevelment-- just like you wouldn’t expect that from him if he didn’t like your romantic choices.
I think you doth protest too much about your lack of worries about gold-digging. Someone hearing you speak might think you are, deep down, adding up what could happen to your inheritance. I’m sure this doesn’t describe you, but if I were you I’d just avoid bringing that aspect up all.
So do your mourning, but recognize that your dad may have decades of life ahead of him, and he’s going to spend that how he pleases.
Hell, yeah. That’s the way I grieve, too – fucking around ASAP.
And perhaps he thought the same, but then circumstances changed when he met someone else. This is not about you and what you want, it’s about him and what he wants. You are free to deal with your mother’s death in your own way, as he is in his: what’s inappropriate is when you start imposing your own notions of the propriety of grief on him.
That was cutting him slack. He is still 100% in the wrong here and should be ecstatic for dad rather than acting like being happy and finding a great person to be with is some horrible insult.
Why do you think the OP is fucking around?
What do you think “dating” or “seeing someone” means?
OK, you guys are going overboard. A Father has some fucking responsibility to be there for his kids when their Mother dies.
I can sympathize with this a lot because, although my dad announced he was dating someone three years after my mom died (and by that time I’d had the time to get used to the fact that he might be doing so and was even hoping that he would), over time he’s made some comments that might be construed as saying that he was seeing the woman he’s with now before my mom died. He has admitted that he knew this new woman for “some time” before my mom died.
I think I am always going to wonder --is he being honest when he says he didn’t have feelings for the new woman before my mom died? My mom died of a long, drawn-out illness and I have to admit there were times when it seems my dad had checked out of the situation (even within our family I’m not the only one who felt that way at the time). And when he did announce that he was seeing her the next words out of his mouth were “and we’re getting married in a few months and I’m moving in to her summer home in another state”, even though my dad is about the world’s most cautious person when it comes to life decisions…which leads me to suspect that he’d been dating her on the sly for some time. Over three years though, before my mom had passed? I don’t think I’m ever going to know. I get the sense that things aren’t going well between dad and New Woman, and he won’t talk about their relationship any more.
So yeah, I can see how you’re still grieving. It took all of us a long time to grieve over my mom–if dad had started six months in I could see we’d all be a lot more upset than we were. You can say, yeah, dad can do what he wants, and in a way one has to respect that, but sometimes “doing what you want” hurts other people. In this case I think you have to find a way to respect what your dad is doing. This is his way of coping. If he was coping in a damaging way like drinking or abusing drugs I’d want to stop him, but I can’t see this as damaging. Well, yet–I would keep the lines of communication open with him, because just as people sometimes rush into harmful relationships after a breakup, people sometimes do it after a spouse’s death as well. Just keep an eye on his mental health.
What do you think OP means? It’s the OP’s father, not him who started dating.
I think people are being too harsh on **Sanibelman **as well, even if I think he’s mostly wrong about the situation. Sometimes you can’t just help your feelings even if they aren’t logical. His dad isn’t the person he wants him to be and he’s dealing with this right after his mom’s death.
But you have to deal with the dad you have, not the one you wish you had.
It would be nice if everyone was mutually supportive, but he doesn’t have a responsibility to be there for his adult children.