Got on with living my life and let everyone else get on with living theirs.
Read it again.
There is no indication he was not there. In fact, there is indication the OP, OP’s wife, and OP’s sister pushed him away. 100% their fault.
Oh bull. It would be crass if he started dating before the mother was dead. It would be crass if he picked up a date for the funereal. But it’s been two months. Two weeks would have been fine.
Grieving doesn’t excuse someone for being an asshole.
Sorry, no time. I’m too busy fucking around to cater to your inability to understand the vernacular and lack of reading between the lines.
I think people in general have a responsibility to care for how their actions affect the people they love. I don’t think the OP’s dad is in the wrong for dating so soon after his wife’s death, nor do I think he should break up with the woman to make his (adult) son feel better, but it’s not unreasonable to expect him to recognize that his son is grieving his mother, that seeing her “replaced” so quickly is hurtful, and that maybe he shouldn’t invite his new friend to family gatherings until the loss isn’t quite so raw.
I think it is understandable that you are upset, because you love and miss your mother, and there will never be anyone to replace her, and it feels like your dad’s relationship is an indication that she was not important to him.
However, that’s all about how you feel, not about your dad’s behavior. There’s nothing wrong with his seeking happiness and companionship, and it’s quite possible that he and your mother knew and discussed something like this, and by the time her death came, he had come to terms with it. The way you describe your mother’s health makes me wonder if it was worse than you knew, and your parents did know, but didn’t want to worry you.
I guess I’m saying you should feel ok that this bothers you, that it’s hard for you to see your dad acting this way. But at the same time, your dad hasn’t done anything wrong.
These kids aren’t 11 years old and being sent out to the forest to hew wood by an evil stepmother; they’re grown adults with children of their own, and as such they are expected to be able to deal with their own mourning in their own way and recognise that their father is entitled to do the same.
I’m sorry you lost your Mom.
My Dad couldn’t survive on his own - he’d have to start dating and move to marriage fairly quickly if my mother passes first. He doesn’t know how to do laundry and is certainly not comfortable doing it. He can make four things, but a 70 year old man isn’t a college student and can’t survive on frozen pizza. I think he’d be completely confused by the idea of cleaning a bathroom. We’d be moving him into assisted living and hiring a housekeeper - not because he has reached that age (he is getting close, but he has years before he needs it, unless something happens) but because he really is of another era.
When my grandfather passed, my grandmother was still a relatively young and handsome woman. But she chose not to date. She didn’t want to be unfaithful to her spouse. She much preferred the role of grieving widow, driving to the cemetery every day for a decade to sit by his grave. In terms of extremes - you’ve got it pretty good. Your father did not choose to stop living his life because your mother passed on.
I agree with this. My first wife and I were married in 1981. She died July 2003. I didn’t rush off to be in a relationship again; but I did meet someone in 2005 and ultimately marry her in Aug 2006. I waited 2 years before I started “dating.” Even then I didn’t want a relationship… I just wanted companionship. I’m of the opinion that men in general, need companionship more than women. I don’t think it’s necessarily dishonorable to your mother that he’s in another relationship already.
That explains why you’re making absolutely no sense. Jesus Christ, the OP isn’t fucking around at all, his dad is. How was that so difficult for you to understand?
Seriously? You would be OK with one of your dad dating someone two weeks after your mom passed? Somehow I do not believe this is true and is much more related to the following comment…
Oh, so SanibelMan is now an “asshole” for having feelings, however wrong they might be? Take this to the Pit like a man, kid.
OP’s dad is clearly insensitive to his kids’ feelings. I would guess, that the parents’ marriage may not have been the best, if Dad was able to move on so quickly, which may also be part of the heartache that the OP and his sister are feeling as well and may only be realizing now.
Dad is apparently sacrificing the respect and love of his children for his own happiness. But it sounds like he has done this before after his first marriage. So shouldn’t be too big of surprise, but doesn’t hurt any less, to finally learn what shit heel for a father you have.
I don’t understand how anyone can read the OP and not think he is being a total dick.
Sanibel my mother died when I was 33 and it hit me like I was a 10-year old, so I have some idea of how you’re feeling.
Here’s what you may be overlooking. You said your mother has been ill for a long time, by my count something like 25 years. And your father has been seeing to her needs as her health has steadily declined. That was HIS mourning period. And while her passing ripped open a bunch of feelings for you, it served as closure for him.
I agree with iamthewalrus. There’s nothing wrong with what either of you are feeling right now.
Dad’s kids - at least this one - don’t live close enough to him for him to put their happiness above that of his new partner. After four months of dating, yes, its time she meets his ADULT children at family events. To leave her out would be disrespectful to her.
And who in the hell knows what Mom and Dad’s marriage was like. Mom may have been a colossal bitch to Dad, who sucked it up for years and hid it from the kids. Or maybe Mom and Dad had an agreement sometime after Mom got sick and she said “promise me if I die you’ll date again and not wait.” Or maybe Dad was an asshole. Maybe for 20 years their marriage had been an asexual shell - “together for the kids.” Or maybe he loved her so deeply that he doesn’t want to grieve, and this is his method of grief avoidance.
I think you’re having two different sources of frustration here. First, the way that he’s been blowing off family time or hasn’t been as present as you’d like for him to be. Second, the fact the he seems to have moved on so soon and you feel like this is an insult to your mother. I’m not sure which is more frustrating to you, but from your tone (which I know can get misinterpreted when it’s written word rather than spoken) I get the impression that it’s the latter.
If you’ve ever been in the early stages of an exciting romance, you know how it can affect your behavior. You get tunnel vision in a way, the only thing you see is the person you’re falling in love with. Even when you want to slow it down you can’t. Logic tells you to take a step back, but your heart won’t let you. The instant gratification you get from being with that person is just too strong, it’s like a drug. This is what your father is going through. He might know that he should take it slow, he might even be trying to take it slow, but she’s what makes him happy right now. He isn’t going to purposely remove his one source of happiness.
I know, his family should be enough to make him happy right now. But even then, you spend time together and then you go home and spend time with your spouse, with your own family, and he’s stuck in that big house all by himself. He falls asleep alone and wakes up alone. I’m not saying that all of his behavior is excused, but perhaps you should try to look at it from his point of view.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t be upset. That’s perfectly normal. But maybe you can make peace with the situation if you understand why he’s acting the way he is.
Feelings aren’t right or wrong, and they are not subject to “shoulds”. They just are. I don’t think its unreasonable be thrown by your dad’s new relationship. Not only are you still grieving over your mom, but it’s gotta be difficult to see your dad loving another woman without interpreting this as infidelity. Intellectually, you know he isn’t cheating on her, but viscerally, it would feel that way to most people. It’s how you respond to these feelings that matters the most.
You need to be frank about your feelings to him, if you haven’t already. It could be he thinks like a lot of posters in this thread–that just because he’s officially free to do whatever he wants in the romance department, no one is allowed to complain about how he goes about it. But it also could be that he is so drunk with infatuation and excitement, he isn’t thinking about anything else except how good he feels and doesn’t realize the pain he’s causing.
A honest conversation with him might make you feel better and make him more sensitive.
If that doesn’t work, it might be a good idea to take a break from seeing ole Pop until your mother’s death is less raw. You may have an easier time adjusting to his new relationship if you’re not around him and her as much. Maybe their love jets will soon cool down a little and you won’t have as much PDA to take in the next time you see them.
I’m not expecting him to tuck them into bed and tell them Mommy is in Heaven. Basically blowing off the first Christmas is a far cry from even trying to be there for your kids. And the guy is only 60ish -if he was about the same age as his wife- so it’s not like he was going to die cold and alone if he didn’t start dating after 3 months.
Yes getting out of the gates a few months after her death is faster than usual but it’s really entirely his decision. If I had been married to a woman who was in compromised health for decades and all the issues that entails and I was 60 years old I’m not sure I would not have been looking around pretty soon as well.
To be frank you and your siblings are coming across as incredibly immature, self centered and catty bordering on nasty. Being a focused doting grandpa AND being in a new relationship where you are head over heels in love with a physically vivacious woman is not going to be a perfect timing match in most circumstances, but it’s his life, not yours and you really need to back way the heck off.
Having said this some of his behavior is awkward and he doesn’t sound super sensitive, but honestly neither do you in your list of how his relationship with this woman has tortured you and your siblings. You all sound quite self involved and “me” centric… just like your dad.
No, but it might have felt like it for him. It sounds like he’s not used to being without a woman in his life and like he throws himself into his new relationships, judging by how he treated his “starter children.”
That being said, if he’s glowing now, it does sound like he’s been slowly mourning her decline well before her death.
I agree with those who suggest having a quiet heart-to-heart, non-accusatory, about how you’re at a different point in grieving and that you can intellectually understand wanting to be happy for him but that you need time to get there emotionally. Assure him that you love him and your grandkids need time with him, and a lot of that needs to be “Grandpa time” and not “Grandpa and some stranger time” - but that with time she can be welcomed in.