Six months ago, my mom died. Four months ago, my dad started dating.

In My Humble Opinion
61

This.

I’m terribly sorry about the loss of your mother, but, how would you like for your dad to tell you what to do with your wife, right now?
Dad lost a wife. *You *can’t be bothered to scatter Mom’s ashes, so, he should wait, and stay in a nook for you to get over it. I see some manipulation here.

His wife is gone. She’s not coming back. Maybe Dad wants to move on.

Of course, being all over each other at a family gathering is pretty slimy, at any age, and Dad should know better.

Other than that, let him have what joy he can get. You have a wife, now. He doesn’t.

62

I agree. My grandfather passed away some 25 years ago, and my grandmother was single and depressed for the first 5-10 years, and then started dating (or whatever you call it when you’re in your 80s) an older gentleman down the street who was a little older. He and his wife, who had also passed away some time before, had been friends with my grandparents before my grandfather and his wife passed away.

She was happy, she had someone to hang around with and who cared about her, and who she cared about, and this continued for another 10 years or so, when Bud finally passed away at 89 or 90. Now she’s not nearly as happy alone again at 89.

My cousins and aunt were never too friendly with Bud- they saw him as some sort of interloper. Those of us who lived closer loved him- he was funny, interesting, and most importantly made my grandmother happy. He wasn’t my grandfather, but he was a terrific man, and I’m very glad to have known him, and glad that he and my grandmother shared such a long happy time together.

Give your Dad and Mary a chance; ultimately your mom’s out of the picture, so it’s not about *her", and it’s not about you either, but rather how she makes your Dad feel.

63

Being the same age as his wife, at this point, means that he could very well pass away, cold and alone. His wife, sadly, did. He ain’t getting no younger or healthier. If he doesn’t move now, when should he?

64

I think this is madness. The problem is in the son’s head…why bother Dad further, and insult Mary?
Grin and bear it.

65

I won’t say it’s none of your business, but your dad is his own boss. If you don’t approve, all you can do (and all you should do) is tell him that you feel uncomfortable and decide whether you want to have him in your life. Don’t be passive-aggressive, don’t blame Mary, and try to be happy that your dad is happy–if you can.

This is what I’m thinking. Either that, or maybe their marriage wasn’t as happy as it seemed to the OP. Maybe he was ready to move on years ago, but stuck by her side through years of illness and bad/no sex. I can certainly see a widow/er being ready for a relationship relatively quickly under plenty of circumstances.

66

OP, it sounds like you are also very concerned about the financial ramifications of your dad becoming involved with Mary. There is no shame in being concerned about that, it is natural if there is a lot of money at stake.

Does your family talk openly about such matters? Especially inheritance and the like? If so, that is good, and maybe you can talk about your concerns with your father.

While remembering that his money is his money and he can do with it as he sees fit, if you can encourage him to do some estate planning and getting a prenup before becoming legally entangled with Mary or another woman, your family might be able to ease at least one potential source of friction/tension before it is too late.

67

I don’t know. Maybe a year before he brings his new squeeze to Christmas seems reasonable. Regardless, I get the impression dad was a bit of a jerk before and is being a bit of a jerk again. The OP was silly to think that’d all change.

68

Eh, at the very least it’s a way of apologizing for coming off like a jerk - if the dad is saying they should be happy that he’s happy, then it’s pretty certain that they seem like they’re mad or sad that he’s happy. So acknowledging that you aren’t at the same point in grieving is a good start - and asking for special Grandpa-time for the grandkids is less tacky than confronting the oldster PDA stuff.

69

Seriously… this expectation that the adult OP and his adult siblings are to be treated like small, traumatized children by his 60 year old father who has to introduce them to his girlfriend in little bite size stages is absurd. If I had my adult, married kid give me the condescending lecture below I’d be tempted to buy him diapers.

70

Have fun with all the visitors you get in the old folks home. The crooked one your kids saw on 60 minutes.

71

Well, it’s referred to as “a decent interval.” I was raised that for the death of a spouse the mourning period is one year. We used a very old rule book though, and I can see how a modern person might put the period more around six months.

One to two months it ain’t.

To the OP, my Dad and my brother are both this way. They can not bear to be alone, and were both dating within weeks of their divorces. Sometimes they were dating even before the divorces; I wonder whether that possibility isn’t a shade in your thinking right now? If so, please know that their behavior, however inappropriate, at least argues against an established relationship.

Your father has all the symptoms of a man dating for the first time in decades. There’s no getting that decent interval back, so work on letting it go of that part of it. Gently communicate with your Dad about the awkwardness their petting is causing, and your disappointment in his lack of attention to his children and their needs during a very painful mourning period.

And welcome to the joys of watching your parents date. If they are anything like mine they will more than pay you back for all those trips to the mall and the movie theater. :rolleyes:

72

My husband died after a very long period of ill health. I got some grieving out of the way during those years, so that when he died I was both relieved and heartbroken, anxious to start the rest of my life and fearful of doing so.

For most people, losing a spouse shocks the fuck out of you. Even when you know it’s coming, it shocks the fuck out of you. It’s like being told the water you’re jumping into is 34 degrees. You know they are saying it, and you know that’s cold, but when you hit the water you can’t breathe and you think you are going to die, and that it would actually be preferable to all the surviving and feeling you’re doing.

That part, the shock of it, that’s pretty universal, though the timing can differ. But what happens next is incredibly personal and individual. For some, a long illness followed by a death just means more things to grieve, for all of the things that you never had a chance to do in all of the years. For others, it gives time to become a little accustomed to the idea of limited time. For some, it means investing heart and soul into the relationship and clutching every moment. For others, it means having to pull back a little, to try to keep your head above the water. For some, it means guilt and pain and wondering what you could have done better. For others, it means there was nothing to be done; it was a long illness and those happen and life isn’t all under our control.

For some, the death means the real work of grief is just beginning. For others, the real work has been happening all along. For some, everything becomes about grieving and distractions just put off the necessary time spent in grief. For others, grief is more of a subconscious process that can be going on all the time, out of sight.

I started dating within a year of my first husband’s death, and it wasn’t too soon. Within 9 months of this death I was fine. Not perfectly happy and brilliant and over it, but fine. I was someone who had to do a lot of hard grieving work right up front and then woke up one day and the hard part was just over.

The point of all this rambling is that no one really knows what your father is feeling, not completely. Probably not even your father. In hindsight he might eventually be able to speak eloquently about, but most of us don’t get eloquent. We just get by.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this grief. The first holidays are so hard for many of us because they represent everything good and positive about family, and now you have something else to grieve–the loss of what you thought your Christmas would be. I’m truly sorry for that.

And as others have said, your feelings are your feelings. You can’t think your way out of them. Grief just is. But you can think your way out of how you represent yourself, and if you want to have a cordial relationship with your father, now is not the time to put a lot of demands on him. He’s jumping in his own cold water. You’re jumping in yours.

I wish you the best.

73

Regardless of what I’d consider “appropriate” timing, I look at it this way: I wouldn’t allow my mom or dad to tell me when or whom to date. Why on earth would I presume to be able to judge and/or intervene with their decisions?

74

It’s called living in a society. If dad got drunk at Christmas would you “presume to judge”? If he just pulled a no show would you presume to judge?

75

This. The dad is an adult.

That being said (regarding other posters), in my heart-to-heart advice above, I didn’t say the OP got to dictate what his dad does, merely to acknowledge the different pace of coping and maybe ease the grandkids into a ton of interaction time with Probably New Grandma, because they are young kids, unlike the OP.

I lost my dad when I was in college, and unlike the OP’s case, it was a total shock for my whole family, as he was in good health. My mom took time to get over the loss since it was so unexpected, then started dating, and my sister and I saw her in that respect not as “Mom” there but as a woman who missed being with someone who cared for her, and wanted to live a happy life. (She’s in a long-term relationship with a great guy.)

My husband, meanwhile, recently lost his mother after a long, lingering battle with Alzheimer’s, and he had grieved her loss well before her body stopped functioning. If his dad had wanted to start dating within a month or a week I would have shrugged.

76

I compared it to being set on fire and shot into outer space, and you just fall endlessly, twisting and burning. My late husband had also been ill off and on during our whole marriage, but his death still was a physical, visceral SHOCK. The only time I was at peace was when I was asleep… but every time I woke up, this *terror *just settled over me. I was not expecting this.

I was also clueless about widowhood and full of rules and regulations for widowed people until it happened to me. You can’t imagine it until it happens, and divorce isn’t the same (I’m also divorced from my first marriage).

Everyone who is judging the dad and who has not been widowed: stop. You don’t know what you’re talking about. Believe me, you don’t.

77

I was all set to post about “be happy for him & work on letting your feelings go. If there is a real possibility he is being grifted, that’s one thing. If you get that vibe, look into it quietly, but suck-it quietly if you’re wrong.”

Trouble is, I’ve had too close of an experience with someone spouting, “Whaaa! You’re spending my inheritance before you’re dead! Whaaa!” for me to be objective.
As long as money is not at the bottom of this, fine, but if it is? MYOB. And a bag of dicks.

78

I hate to agree with something so harshly and bluntly stated, but yeah, exactly. I mean, if the OP’s dad is going to put his own feelings and desires above those of his kids’, that’s fine. Free country, carpe diem, etc. But that choice comes with a price like most choices do.

Sounds like posters are assuming the OP is obligated to respect his dad’s feelings, but he isn’t anymore obligated than the dad is.

79

He’s 60, widowed and alone at what point does he get to put his desires ahead of his adult kids? The expectation that he should be walking on eggshells in dealing with a pack of carping adults who want to behave like, and be treated like small children, or else he should be justifiably punished with rejection is astounding.

80

I don’t think anyone is suggesting the guy dump Mary and don black for the rest of his life. Come on. There’s middle ground between that and simply respecting the fact that his kids may not be ready to accept Mary’s presence at intimate family gatherings, so opting not to invite her along sometimes. Small gestures like leaving the PDA at home and not using the new woman as an excuse to skip out on visits with grands could help smooth the transition, too. If he could reign in his excitement just a wee bit, he might not alienate his kids who are still sad about their mom dying. None of that is too much to ask for 4 months post-funeral, IMO.

Some of the stuff the OP has mentioned (like the Miata) are not a big deal and are simply signs of a man reinventing himself after a long marriage. I can see why this could be interpreted as him rejecting his past life–and by extension, his wife–but it’s an unhealthy view. This is his way of adjusting to the present and he’ll eventually start looking more like his old self after the glow of this new existence fades a little.