Knock off the name calling. Take it to the Pit if you want to do that.
This is what I was thinking, too - something along the lines of, “I’m really happy for you that you’ve found someone who makes you so happy, but do you think you could tone it down a bit when you and Mary are around me? I’m still grieving over the loss of my mother, and this is difficult for me right now.”
Yup. If Dad wouldn’t like to see you and your wife pawing each other at dinner, he shouldn’t be doing it himself.
Yup.
That’s a good point, too.
I agree with those saying that he’s in the throes of initial passion right now, and things are very likely to cool off as he and Mary develop a longer relationship. That part of things should resolve itself normally.
As for any money concerns, I don’t think that should even enter into the discussion. It’s his money, and he can do what he wants with it. He can leave it to his kids and grandkids, or leave it all to Mary, or leave it all to the Atlanta Home For Unwed Cats. It’s a mistake (in my opinion) to start thinking that you’re entitled to anyone else’s money.
Widows grieve, widowers remarry.
My husband died in 2009, and I can’t imagine dating within a few months. In fact, when I did start dating, a year and a half later, it was probably too soon. That said, people are different, and even if he is avoiding grief by dating so soon, the barn door has closed on this one. Dad is dating, and no one is going to change that.
I can’t blame the OP for having his feelings hurt–he thought dad had changed. Turns out, not so much. Added to that, he feels that this means dad doesn’t miss mom, which is an emotional blow.
Except that he met this woman at 3 months. Maybe he would have met someone else that would make him happy. Maybe not. Why should he wait till some arbitrary time limit and take a chance? Dating does not get easier.
Well he knows her from church so I have a sneaking suspicion he didn’t meet her 6 months ago. Regardless, he could have used a little discretion at least at Christmas time. Yeah he’s got the right to be happy but he could have been remotely conscious of his (adult!!) kids feelings.
I am so sorry for your loss. But please understand, your loss was different than his. He married til death do them part. It did part them. He is no longer married. He is not being unfaithful to his late wife or her memory. He is living and loving and those are good things.
You lost the only mother you will have. It is a bond that should outlive death. Theirs wasn’t.
Give your dad and Mary room to be happy. Or you will lose your dad too.
That’s kind of what I’m wondering. If his wife had a long-term illness, there’s a pretty good chance they talked about what his love life would be like after she died. And there’s a chance that he and Mary had a relationship before his wife died, and even that his wife knew of, approved of, and/or was involved in that relationship.
The point is, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, and a lot of knowledge about your parents’ love life is something you don’t want.
No, he didn’t blow off Christmas: it was the OP’s sister who wanted him to stay at a hotel. This communicated very clearly to him that the sister only wanted a few hours together.
First, I want to say that I am so sorry for your loss.
I’m one of those young poor women who marry rich older guys. I was a supportive friend to my husband for several years while his wife died of cancer. I was the first one he called when she passed. Not because he wanted to hook up, but because he knew he could cry and rant and get angry and that I’d hold him tight in friendly arms.
He was so lonesome after Louise died. He didn’t have anyone to talk to after he got home from work, and if he was traveling he didn’t have anyone to call when he got checked into his room.
His son had distanced himself from his mother’s slow, painful decline into death and couldn’t even be bothered to bring his wife and child to the hospital in the last days because it was so upsetting. They were also so upset that they didn’t even stay through the whole service. I know because I was sitting decorously in the back of the room.
I was the one who was there for him. I wasn’t there because I was thinking I could marry money, I was there because I honestly cared for him. We are very different people, but somehow love happened.
My husband’s son hates me with the fire of a thousand suns, and we have only met twice. I honestly wish I knew what to do to fix this. I love my husband and he is honestly distressed by how his son is treating him.
Me…well…I think its about the money.
And, you know what? I don’t care. Idiot son can just whine and pout, but he wasn’t there for anyone during the sickness and death. He has NO right to say what his dad does later.
Wow. That’s been festering in me for a while.
Anyhow OP, I’m sorry that your mom died. I hope you make your peace with your dad.
An excellent post (and advice, IMHO).
(bolding mine) +1
You have no idea how much I empathize with you, flatlined.
And to the OP, all I can do is echo and agree with what Miller and Inna Minnit posted.
This. If the father has found true love, or even just a short-term case of true lust, then the adult children should at least be able to realize that even if they’re not really OK with it, they’ve still got to accept it, and at least try to be glad for their dad’s newfound happiness.
But the father and his new squeeze are grownups too, and they, just like any other grownups, have an obligation to not be too demonstrative of their mutual affection when around their social companions, whether they’re family or not. It’s fair for the children to bring this up, especially if it involves being overly demonstrative in front of the grandkids, but their criticisms should be limited to this.
Finally, the grown children have to accept that their dad isn’t substantially changed from what he has been. I can understand their disappointment that this anticipated opportunity to get closer to their dad hasn’t materialized, but it sounds like it didn’t materialize last year, or the year before that, or the years before that, either. Their disappointment needs to be tempered with the recollection of this history.
OK, that wasn’t quite ‘finally’ after all: finally, the grown children have to realize that if they want quality time with their dad down the road, the best way to build the foundation is to accept him for what he is. Being upset at his happiness, or shunting him off to a hotel, has exactly the opposite effect.
ETA: My sincere condolences, SanibelMan. It’s got to be tough to lose your mom so young.
It hasn’t happened to me directly but I think it’s natural and reasonable to be upset in such a situation, i.e. when one parent dies and the widow/widower immediately starts dating and seems really happy.
So the main thing is (in my opinion) try not to let other people invalidate your feelings.
In terms of dealing with the situation, I can tell you that my mother-in-law died a few years ago and my father-in-law has a girlfriend. Basically she does not attend any family functions and is not discussed. I’ve never met her.
Perhaps you could tell your father that while you appreciate he has the right to move on, you would prefer not to discuss or have any contact with his new girlfriend.
After years have passed? That sounds really sad to me. I feel sorry for them both. I mean, I guess if it’s a new relationship it makes sense, but if they’ve been dating more than six months, why not welcome her in?
I have to say, I go visit as much to see my step mother as to see my Dad - maybe more so?
To the OP, I want to repeat that it really does not sound to me like this relationship started before the death of your Mother. They would be unlikely to be all over each other if they had an established relationship. It would also be very unusual for them to be inappropriately demonstrative in company if they had developed the habits of hiding a relationship. In that case, just holding hands in public would likely feel dangerously elicit.
My father died when my mother was in her early 50s. She never even thought of dating. It would have been weird for me at anytime if she dated. One month or 10 years. But who cares about me, I have my own life and can handle it. Instead my mother has been alone since 1989. I don’t think that’s better.
Sounds like with good reason. I’m also willing to bet that although his son is the one who hurts most, you get the “golddigger” reaction from others as well. And it isn’t fair to be judged as something you are not - particularly when there is no way to defend yourself.
Way to go, Dope. This guy is mourning his Mom, and rather than support him and gently point out how his Dad may feel, he gets called all kinds of names. Good job! Notice he hasn’t been back?
I can’t remember when I’ve been so absolutely disgusted by people on a board. Good God.
You did get some caring responses, SanibelMan, I hope you can read past the utter garbage. I’m so sorry about your Mom.
Are the stable fees steep for such a high horse?
So what are you saying here, that you’re a spoiled brat that can’t always get his way? I know you didn’t mean it, but that’s how it sounds.
You make it sound like you and your siblings are afraid you’ll lose your inheritance. Again, it’s not what you’re saying, but what you’re implying.
I’m 68, and my partner is 20 years younger. I’m not in the best of health, and he’ll probably out live me by more than 20 years. We have discussed this, and I told him I don’t want a prolonged amount of time to pass before beginning a new relationship. He has a right to be happy, and nothing is more important than that. Life is not for mourning, it’s for living.
He isn’t mourning his mom in this thread, he is criticizing that his Dad is not mourning his mother in a way in which he approves.
My turn for getting something off my chest.
About a year and a half ago we lost my brother in law to cancer, and it almost tore my mother in law and I apart. You see, my mother in law felt her way of mourning her incredible loss was the appropriate way - and anyone who did not mourn the way she did, was not exhibiting proper grief. She’d be shocked to discover this - but everything she did in those last weeks and the following months were full of disapproval. When someone shared a memory of my brother in law that was silly, or showed that he wasn’t perfect, or that didn’t go with her image, she was offended. For instance, she didn’t like people posting memorial pictures of him on facebook where he was drinking - that wasn’t how SHE wanted to remember him - he seldom drank around her - but he did with his friends and he did with his partner, and that was how his best friends and his partner remembered him.
When my brother in laws partner posted pictures of herself having fun on facebook a few months after his death, my mother in law thought it was “too soon” to have fun in public. This woman started dating him before he got his diagnosis - but had only been dating him for a few months when it came in. She stuck by him for two years. At what point would it be ok for a woman in her forties to have fun with her friends after spending two years watching her boyfriend die? On the anniversary of his death, my mother in law wanted her to spend the day together looking at old pictures, the girlfriend went away for the weekend with friends - she wanted to grab life, not spend a weekend in misery.
I was pissed by my mother in laws behavior. Really, sincerely pissed. A lot of people were impacted by his death and each had the right to mourn in their own way and not have to censor themselves in their memories for the sake of one person.
No, it communicated very clearly that she didn’t want the woman he’s fucking staying in her home six months after her mom died. :dubious: The first holiday season after a major loss is* hard* in and of itself, without any other family drama added in. Lots of people struggle just to hold it together, much less play hostess even to people they know and love. Seeing your other parent start to date after the loss of one parent is hard, at any time of year. Combining the two? That’s just making a nice paste of salt and lemon juice and rubbing it into an open wound, and Dad ought to have his ass kicked for even thinking about it.
Really? It sounds to me like a pretty classic grief reaction.