Slate's Bad Poetry Contest

I know that someone here could take the prize, whatever that might be:’s Bad Poetry Contest

You need to register on The Fray, I think. What the heck, here’s a chance for immortality…for a few days, anyway.

(I originally posted a $10 reward for the Doper to identify ***my ***submission, but thought better of it. Unless a mod comes along to okay it…)

I’ll just post something Toni Morrison wrote. Guaranteed victory.

I posted this:
Our Love Is Like A Bowling Ball**

Our love is like a bowling ball
Like a brand new Brunswick Red Zone,
It rolls and rolls down the alley of desire
And rolls and rolls and rolls.
I will keep you out of the gutters, my love
And put my fingers in your holes
Every kiss a strike or at least a spare,
Our future a perfect game.
Our love is like a bowling ball,
Our scores will rise and rise
I shall never step beyond the foul line,
And I will rent your shoes.

Toni Morrison wrote that?

Learn something new every day.

Nice try, RickJay, but mine is SO much worse than that! Seriously, I have an unfair advantage: I used to be a teenaged girl. Grab onto your seats and your barf bags, for I present:

Check that shiznit out. Ambiguous homophone, made up word, equivocal quotation (Is it Hair? Is it Hamlet? It it Hair? Is it Hamlet?), obnoxious punctuation and inappropriate title. Beat that! :smiley:

Way back when, I started a thread that sunk like a rock, but I’m still proud of the poem:

Two mice fell in a bucket of cream
A desperate fate, a struggle met
The white flow a soft cold dream
That pulled them down, a nightmare threat.
One mouse drowned, a life submit
The other thrashed, he wouldn’t quit
His life was his, and strongly earned
All the cream to butter, churned.
I’ve earned your faith, a job, a house,
As the mouse crawled out, to live his life.
I’ve earned the love of my son and wife.
I stand before you; I am that mouse.

-Christopher Walken, channeling Robert Frost.
Afterthought - ah, heck, I’ll submit it.

RickJay, that reads like something you’d hear Garrison Keillor recite on A Prairie Home Companion, ergo not bad enough for a bad poetry contest. Not that it isn’t horrible in its own special way, but not quite terrible enough.

To dig up my old poetry notebooks from high school or to discover new verse? That is the question.

Check out my finest work, Love in a MySpace Age. It is truly dreadful. I already gave the posters I saw from this thread a negative vote. I also voted for myself. It was a little confusing because I noticed that some people gave poems a plus instead of a minus when the rules say that they are counting negative votes. Did they mean they thought those poems were actually good and should win? Or more likely they didn’t read the rules.

That poem is appalling. Well done.

I don’t know whether to applaud or run away. Seriously creepy and funny all at the same time. Bravo!

Is Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings entering? :smiley:

Ooh, fun! I posted the one I wrote for a bad poetry party during my first year in grad school: A Tragic Lament for Muriel (The Penguin).

Tell me that you love me,
say the words I need to hear,
say you’ll be mine for now and forever
and I’ll spare your remaining ear.

Hope you don’t mind if I bump this – there’s still one day left to get your entry in. Also, since I didn’t include it in the OP, here is my bad poem (note the SDMB reference):

Ode to a Ten-Striped June Beetle

Ah, tenstripe, I saw you there
Victim o’ your love of light
Cow-Orkers mine, they didn’t care
But live on, I hoped you might

They’d rather pet their cats and dogs
Spray, shoo, smash your carapace
But I wonder, and I thank the gods
I looked into your hissing face