My buddy and I were discussing various problems that need solving, and I mentioned seeing two commercials, one for Feed the Children, and one for the ASPCA, and noting that the animal people want more money from me than the Third World children people, and we agreed that it must mean that being an abused pet in American is more costly than being a child almost anywhere in the world. One would think Americans would be happy to hear this, but we seem a miserable lot, always complaining.
And then I had an epiphany – we are unhappy because we don’t have slaves! We need people to order around arbitrarily, relieve us from the mundane and the unpleasant, and put a beat down on when we’re pissed off.
I proposed we reintroduce slavery, not based on race, but on crime. We should assign criminals to be slaves to average Americans. My buddy objected that most people would not want criminal slaves in their homes. To which I replied, “We put lethal shock collars on the slaves and give the owners little remotes to put on their key chains to keep the slaves in line, but we gotta have some kind of protection so they don’t kill their slaves trying to unlock their car doors.” Imagine the millions upon millions the government would save eliminating prisons. The cost of shock collars and remotes is peanuts in comparison.
My friend thought a lot of prisoners would rather die than be slaves. OK, so we thought about how to make their deaths worthwhile. And he came up with Food. If prisoners don’t want to be slaves, society can eat them. I objected that the growing tread of vegetarianism would make prisoners an unpalatable dinner option. And he goes, “What if we grind them up and use them to fertilize vegetable patches?”
We call this the Prisoner Choice Initiative. Prisoners will be allowed to choose whether they become slaves or food. For those who choose food, other factors will decide whether they become a meal or a fertilizer. If we have surplus prisoner meat, we can send it to Third World children, or malnourished American pets.
This was a fairly typical conversation between my buddy Barry and I. It’s really too bad we’re to lazy to run for public office or just take over the world, as we have solved all the world’s problems already, over the course of a few extended phone calls.