I have a problem with doors in public places. I used to be real skinny, and had trouble pulling or pushing doors open. So I’d be pulling/pushing with all my strength. Then I’d over compensate thinking a door was hard to open, and either almost pull it off it’s hinges or go flying out of it.
Then there’s the doors that you think are automatic, but they’re not, so you’re standing there in front of it, waiting for it open.
THE GOY AT THE BAR MITZVAH
My best friend’s nephew had his barmitzvah a couple months ago. I live in fear of doing something inappropriate at Jewish religious services (Did I insult God by not wearing a yarmulke? Will I defile those scrolls if I touch them on the pass through like everyone else is doing? etc), but I usually muddle through. Ths time, the kid and his friend are doing (Getting? Becoming?) Bar Mitzvah together. The other kid, I do not know. I’m on my best behavior for the whole ceremony. According to my invitation, the catered reception is in the Grand Foyer.
After the long ceremony, I make a beeline for the food. My friend walks over with a knowing smirk on his face. “I’m sure you’re welcome to that food, but that’s for the other kid’s reception. Sam’s reception is over at the Grand Foyer.”
“This is the grand foyer. See the proscenium arch? The cathedral ceiling? I’m chowing down here, pal!”
“No. The ‘Grand Foyer’ is the name of a restaurant over near Tyson’s Corner. There’s a map in with your invitation.” The other kid’s relatives are eyeing me with suspicion.
There were other faux pases, including a big one the next day, but this one played so perfectly into my fears.
Oops, was that you?
I was heading to a martial arts seminar at a school which I (up to that point) had never been to. It’s in a fairly-bustling shopping center. I pull into a parking space just in time to come face-to-face for my busted-up chevy to come face-to-face with a nifty silver convertable - who pulled in the opposite spot and was pulling through . I honk angrily and find a different place to park.
Once inside, as we stretch, I’m complaining to a friend (as one of the head instructors walks around and makes sure we all are stretching) about the jerkoff who thinks they’ve got prime parking rights because they’ve got this expensive car and absolutely no manners.
My friend, to the head instructor, right behind us: “Hey, uh, Master X…didn’t you just buy a new mustang convertable?”
Heh. What do you know, he even drove it there that day.
You forgot the **half locked double door ** scenario. Walking full tilt towards a set of doors, choosing one to aim for, and slamming into the push-bar with all your momentum. Then, after peeling yourself from the glass, edging sideways to the other door to push it open and make a quick exit. Always veeeery classy.
The door clearly says PUSH in big white letters.
I spot the door, spot the BIG WHITE LETTERS, and think “Oh, it says push.”
SOmebody exits, pulling the door towards them. The door swings shut. I think “I must push.”
Push, push, push.
My hand closes over the handle, and I…
Wait for it.
PULL!
Every fucking time.
I love this thread. I think I’ve done every single thing in it. Hallway dancing is my worst thing; apparently being a fairly big guy I automatically get right of way, but I’m a big introvert, so I always yield.
I’ve been working in the same place for nearly a year. I still don’t know the name of some of the people I see every day. Of course, they all know my name.
My contribution: THE DORKY ATTEMPT AT SMALL TALK
You’re with people you don’t know very well, but want to impress, or want to get to know better. Unable to think of a relevant thing to talk about, your brain drags out the stupidest thing it can. Driving past Menards, yeo spout out “Ha, my mom call’s Menards MAY-nerds. And Wal-Mart ‘Wally World’.” The car is then silent for another five minutes.
WRONG PERSON ON THE PHONE
Coworker buzzes and says, “It’s your husband on line one.”
You pick up line two and, because you and spouse are in one of those friendly phases, you reply, uh, warmly. Without ascertaining that (1) you have the correct line or (2) the coworker was correct about the caller’s identity.
This happened to me once and the man on the other end, who had a very nice, deep voice as my husband also does, was so impressed (or something) that the next time he was in the office he came by my cubicle to hit on me.
Related variant . . .
Your mind goes absolutely blank when you answer the phone at work. You can’t remember where you work. All you can manage is, “Hello?”
Naturally this happens on the most important call of the day.
WRONG TIME ZONE
Hmm, phone errors seem to be my specialty . . . I have to call the CEO, who’s on vacation, to make sure he got a Very Important Fed Ex that needs to be signed and Fed Exed right back. I get him, remind him who I am–he seems a little out of it but then, he’s on vacation, and why should he remember me? I mention that I’m glad I caught him still in his hotel room, before he got out on the golf course for the day.
Argh! He’s on vacation! He’s in Hawaii! It’s four o’clock in the morning there, of course he’s in his hotel room. :smack:
And now he has a really good reason to remember me.
Bus Blues
You’re in a crowded bus, which has no air conditioning, and it’s a hot day, so everyone’s eyeing for a place to sit the moment a person evacuates one. You’re feeling glad because you’ll be getting off after the next stop, thereby escaping the simmering hell in the bus. Then, suddenly at the next stop, the person who’s sitting beside you,who’s nearer to the window, gets off. You’re now left with an empty seat, and a dilemma. As you’ll be getting off at the next stop, the option of moving in to let someone sit is not a viable one. Nor is getting your butt off the seat, as then you’ll be left standing in the aisle, squished by all the other people. Also, just sitting there with an empty seat will fetch you glares, as people will think that you’re a selfish bastard. What do you do?
I’d say the worst is a situation where two people’s body parts accidentally come into contact, and both people think they are responsible, and say, “excuse me” or “sorry” at the same time- its like 2x the embarassment in the situation.
At least if ONE person did something by accident, it could be established that it WAS an accident. If BOTH people do it, they BOTH feel embarassed!
A great example was one time at work when a female co-worker stumbled right next to me as I was turning and I accidentally cupped one of her boobs but she thought she was falling on me. We kind of abruptly backed up about 2 feet and said “sorry about that!” at the same time 
I’ve done that more times than I really want to think about. :smack:
interface2x:
I got cured of that one. Someone had forwarded one of those damn “Don’t open an email with the subject line ‘How to Give your Cat a Colonic’, it’s a virus and it’ll erase your hard drive and give you cooties” emails, and there’d been a rash of these stupid things, usually from salesmen and secretaries and data entry folks, and they’d forward them to our entire 4-floor company. I was deliberately doing a reply- to-all to each one with a snopes link and an abrupt line or two added to the top, such as:
Then about the sixth or seventh one I did was in reply to the Associate Senior CFO of the massively huge international umbrella parent megacorporation that owned us and about 250 similar sized companies worldwide, and my reply-to-all went – yep, to every single employee at every single one of them, ridiculing the guy in front of a couple hundred thousand employees per continent.
I don’t know for sure but I think it’s possible that the reason I only got my ass chewed out for it rather than getting fired is that some of his colleagues were annoyed with him about the same thing 
THE “BUSINESS PREVIOUSLY AT THIS LOCATON MOVED AND YOU WALKED IN WITHOTU NOTICING” ERROR
AHunter3 walks through doors of office that has been dermatologists’ office for two years.
"New" Receptionist: Hello, may I help you?
AHunter3 to receptionist: Hello. I have an appointment for 10 but I was told I might be able to get seen early. I’m MyRealName.
"New" Receptionist: ::exchanges four-second look with another office person doing filing:: Are you by any chance here to see Dr Dermatologist?
AHunter3, obliviously clueless: Yes, that’s my doctor!
"New" Receptionist: Well, Dr Dermatologist has relocated across the plaza, and this is now a Gynecologist’s office.
If I was one of his colleagues, I’d give you a raise for doing your job as you’re meant to, instead of crawling. But I’m aware most people don’t see it like that
My personal favorite of these stories happened to a friend of my wife.
See, my wife has brown hair, wears glasses, and at the time drove a green Ford Escort. Said friend was leaving the grocery store, and spotted a brown-haired bespectacled woman sitting in a green Ford Escort.
Said friend ran up, plastered her face on the windshield, and proceeded to make silly faces.
At some one she had never seen before in her life.
Instead of sticking around to explain, she simply collected her composure (dignity having fled the scene) and walked away.
I’ve often wondered what that woman thought…
Really? Usually in this situation both people give a little giggle and finally get past each other. Whereas some of these other situations are actually humiliating. I’d far rather have a mutually amusing moment with someone than be humiliated.
I was leaving a club after dancing one evening (stayed til closing) and I had a goodbye conversation with one of my friends there. I won’t be back for nearly a month and so it was more than just your typical “see ya, byee!”
Then we both left.
And walked in the same direction.
To the same Metro station.
And waited at the same platform and got on the same train… durrr.
My name happens to be Mackenzie. You gotta problem with that? 
Everyone knows the “Someone says hi to someone behind you and you think they’re talking to you.” Ever done the “Someone says hi to you and you think they’re talking to someone behind you?” I have. This sends one of two wonderful messages: “Depsite having met you before, you aren’t important enough for me to even vaguely remember, so I’m assuming you’re talking to someone else.” Or, even better (especially if the person is an attractive member of the opposite sex) “I’m so mammothly insecure that a hot chick like you couldn’t possibly be talking to me, right?”
There’s also that wonderful moment when you’re telling someone an anecdote, and you’re coming up on the end of it, and you suddenly realize that there was absolutely no point to the story and you have nothing to say, so you sort of trail off. “… and that was… uh… how I… found… my comb… Say, can I borrow your gun for a second? I need to shoot myself in the head.”
And, somewhat related, when you’re telling a clever story to a friend, and realize halfway through that you either A) had already told him the story (bonus points if he was the one who originally told you the story) or B) he was actually there when the story originally happened (bonus points if the story is at his expense.) Bonus points in both situations if you’ve siginificantly embroidered the story since the last time your friend heard/experienced the story.
Needless to say, I got lots of points.
Gah, I do that one all the time. Somehow it’s not as bad when you don’t realize how pointless your little story is until whoever you’re talking to clues you in, it’s easier to laugh about it then.
Here is a weird thing: my cousin and my mom have a very strong family resemblance. It’s her brother’s daughter, so you wouldn’t think it was too strange that they look so much alike, right? Until you realize that my mom and her brother are both adopted. At different times. From different birth parents. It’s eerie.
The "ooops, wrong bag!"
I had gotten up way too early to catch a plane with my mom, dad, aunt and uncle. I’m sort of a cosmetics addict, and creams and lotions are no exception. I saw, sticking out of my aunt’s bag, a lotion I’d been eyeing for some time. I just wanted to smell it. I moved the fabric of the bag down a little more, to read the full name, and was just about to take it out and smell it when…
“Excuse me.” Said very politely.
A hand reaches around me and takes the bag.
It wasn’t my aunt’s bag! A girl had mistakenly left it there as she was filling out forms, came back to get it, and she caught me looking in it!
I went up to her and apologised and told her what happened, which was almost as embarrassing as being caught looking in the bag, but she said she didn’t even think anything of it. Phew!