Sniffs Markers dumped me

[Eats_Crayons]

@Hal Briston

I suppose what I’m trying to say is the same thing most others are saying – that the best move you can make is to move on with you life. The only difference is, I’ve found that sticking around can work too.

…but if you can manage to do it, it just might work out for the best.

Well, back about 6 years ago, I was in an “open” relationship and I do know with absolute certainty that I do NOT have the psychological make-up or emotional fortitude to deal with that. It nearly destroyed me.

I will continue to be a very important factor in Sniffs’s life, but for my own soundness of mind, I’m going to have to keep definite boundaries. I can’t continue to snuggle up in bed with her, and have romantic dinners, and live as if nothing has changed.

That’s what she wants right now – for everything else to stay the same. But that can’t happen, and that makes both of us sad.

[yosemite]

@Eats_Crayons

That’s what she wants right now – for everything else to stay the same. But that can’t happen, and that makes both of us sad.

I see where Otto is coming from with his statements, though. She made this decision, with some level of obliviousness. If she thought that “everything else could stay the same,” then she was deluded. And now she’s sad about that. Well, too bad.

I know that you care for her and you’ve been very fair-minded (and I can see that she hasn’t been a two-faced lying bitch or anything to you, so points to her for that), but she made this decision and she thought that everything else would stay the same. But you knew right off that it wouldn’t, because, like, that’s freakin’ OBVIOUS.

So, I don’t feel much pity for her now, apparent, surprise and sadness. Wow! It won’t stay the same! She can’t have it all her way! Who’dathunkit?!?!

Now, I’m not trying to be mean about her, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you being so fair-minded. I just hope you don’t wring your hands with distress over her sadness, since none of this is your doing. Worry about your own feelings and let her take care of her own problems. She made this decision—let her deal with her part of it.

[ratty]

Oh, honey. I’m so sorry. I hope things work out for you, and soon.

There is something a little disturbing about all this. Sniffs decided to end the relationship because she’s no longer sexually attracted to you. Okay. That sucks hardcore, but it happens, and it’s no one’s fault. However, she says she “doesn’t want anything to change.”

Hmmm. So if I’ve got this right, what she’s really saying is, “I still want you to behave in the same loving, caring manner towards me, but I don’t want to sleep with you anymore and I’d like to go find someone to sleep with instead.”

Uh-huh. I would call this monstrously selfish behavior on her part. She wants the same stable emotionally satisfying relationship to continue, but she also wants to be able to sleep with other people. This would be a lovely situation if you were comfortable with the idea of an open relationship. But you’re not, and nothing will change that. So now she’s sad and lonely? I would call that reaping what you sow.

To be fair, she may simply be as confused and upset as she seems, and does not quite realize what she is doing, and perhaps feels that this is somehow a better solution than simply breaking it off completely. Understandable, but you should not go along with this. You need to set boundaries, set them now and stick by them. Because if you don’t, you will end up with your heart broken worse than it is now, and you’ll be bitter and angry and used to boot. If this person no longer wants a sexual relationship with you, that’s fine. But she can’t have her cake and eat it, too; she can’t expect you to continue treating her like a spouse while she is free to philander at will. And to be blunt, I question just how committed she ever was to this supposedly ‘perfect’ relationship if she’s willing to risk it all for a better time in bed.

Being friends with an ex-lover is certainly possible, and even common when both parties are mature and independent enough. But you need to get to that stage first. I’d suggest moving, and maybe taking a break from working with her for a bit, until you’ve gotten yourself together again. It will be difficult and it will hurt, but the difficulty and the hurt were decided when this situation began, and the only way out is to go straight through them and come out the other side.

I really hope I haven’t offended you with any of this. I truly do feel bad, despite being a perfect stranger. I have been in this situation myself, and have seen many others go through it, and I don’t want to see you hurt even worse by allowing your dumper to dictate to you how you should react to being dumped. Too many times I’ve wasted time and watched others waste it running after people who aren’t worth the effort. If I have offended, I’m sorry; it certainly wasn’t intended. I wish you the best. HUG

[Eats_Crayons]

@ratty

Hmmm. So if I’ve got this right, what she’s really saying is, “I still want you to behave in the same loving, caring manner towards me, but I don’t want to sleep with you anymore and I’d like to go find someone to sleep with instead.”

Uh-huh. I would call this monstrously selfish behavior on her part. She wants the same stable emotionally satisfying relationship to continue, but she also wants to be able to sleep with other people. This would be a lovely situation if you were comfortable with the idea of an open relationship. But you’re not, and nothing will change that. So now she’s sad and lonely? I would call that reaping what you sow.

I think the “logic” behind it is that the relationship has already metamorphosed naturally into an incredible friendship. We are without question “family.” I’m not going to deny this, it’s true. The sexual aspect has waned and waned and, sadly, is no longer a part of our relationship.

And to be blunt, I question just how committed she ever was to this supposedly ‘perfect’ relationship if she’s willing to risk it all for a better time in bed.

I agree with you, but trying tos ee it from her point of view: is it fair for her to have to be monogamous to nothing? It wouldn’t exactly fair to ask her to give up sex forever.

Bascially, being angry with her is like killing the messenger who brings bad news. Sometimes things don’t work out and it really isn’t anyone’s “fault”. She certainly is allowed to mourn the loss of an otherwise immensely fulfulling and intensely (emotionaly) fulfilling relationship.

The chemistry (in a sexual context) is not there for her. That’s not something she can change. She’s not being selfish, this is a huge sacrifice for her too. She needs passion - she deserves it. Maybe I’m a little wierd because I could do without sex for the rest of my life, but that’s hardly a fair expectation to foist on someone else. She has a healthy libido and in the big picture, though our relationship is otherwise enviable, there’s a very important component missing.

I totally understand her needs and why she has to make this decision. If I was on the outside looking in, I must admit, I would support her painful decision.

@ratty

Being friends with an ex-lover is certainly possible, and even common when both parties are mature and independent enough. But you need to get to that stage first. I’d suggest moving, and maybe taking a break from working with her for a bit,

We’re both independent people, and historically, aside from one psycho-chick, I am on friendly terms with all my exes. Not working with Sniffs, is simply not an option. The nature of this business – can’t be done. We’re both too integral in our specific functions. It would quite literally destroy Sniffs’s career (permanently) to put things on hold in that respect.

I am considering moving though. Work is not dependent on my location.

@ratty

I really hope I haven’t offended you with any of this. I truly do feel bad, despite being a perfect stranger. I have been in this situation myself, and have seen many others go through it, and I don’t want to see you hurt even worse by allowing your dumper to dictate to you how you should react to being dumped.

No offense taken. But not that Sniffs is not dicating how either of us should feel. She isn’t the Bad Guy, she’s just the Bearer of Bad News. Killing the messenger won’t help. She feels like crap, and I feel like crap. And we both wish we could make each other feel better, but we can’t.

I’m just sulking about that. It sucks.