That’s actually what I meant by “couples counceling”, though I was trying to be a bit more sly with semantics. I would like to try to reignite the spark, but if she just “doesn’t see me that way”, then I am “family” but not a “lover”. She needs a lover right now, but doesn’t see me “that way.” 
Eats_Crayons I don’t know you very well but from your posts you seem to be a swell person. I’ve been in your situation and know how tough it can be. I hope things work out for you and Sniffs.
I’m sorry you’re at this stage. As someone who also heard the “I don’t love you in that way anymore” speech once, I can tell you in my case it was final.
But it wasn’t the end of the world. Before too long I found someone who did love me in that way, and it’s been great.
Don’t get sucked into remaining a real close friend. You’ll wind up changing the car tires and paying for the gas while someone else rides free and gets the benefits of her companionship. [/Voice of experience]
I’m so sorry, Crayons.
Adding my name to the condolence list, Crayons.
FWIW, my wife and I were in this same place a few years ago. After about six months of dating other people and moving on with our lives, we both realized that what we had was exactly what we wanted (just didn’t see it at the time). We reconciled, and it’s be amazing ever since.
Both during out seperation and since that time, I’ve spoken to at least a dozen people who’ve gone through the same thing, and we’ve all realized the same thing: it’s so much better the second time around.
I’m really hoping you and Sniffs get that same chance.
Oh Crayons, I’m so sorry. I’m here if you ever feel like making another weekend trip.
Im not sure that it helps, but I am going thru quite a similar decision right now. Its hard being the one with all the love to give…
Just remember that it really *isnt * you. If I had to guess she is probably going thru her own issues. Be true to yourself in this… I dont know, that’s what everyone keeps telling me. Advice can be quite hard to heed when your heart hurts.
No matter what, it’ll all workout in the finish- that you can rely on.
That should say “quite a similar situation”- my head is in the clouds. :smack:
I’ve been thinking about looking for work in Montreal actually.
I’m not very fond of Toronto. Home is where Sniffs is. Sniffs_Markers is my home in many ways. But there’s not much of a reason to stay here if it’s not “home” anymore.
I went to rent DVDs and had to get my own membership. We’re regulars there so the guy looked at me like I was nuts for a sec. I wasn’t putting on the “family” card like usual.
That sucked.
Glad to see the smileys are back.
If you do decide to come here, know that you will have “Insta-Friends” in Upside_Down_Amber and I. Our door is always open to you (we hope you like cats). My e-mail is in my profile, if you need to get in touch.
If you care for my own tale of woe, It’s right here.
Best wishes,
kung fu lola and UDA
Cool! And asking me if I like cats indicates that you most assuredly have not read any of the threads of the adventures of Fatcat, my Ethel Merman-singing, toilet-flushing, peanut butter-thieving feline.
Man does it ever suck to have to get up and go to work while feeling this bad.
3.5 years of my life is now toast. We had a near-perfect relationship. We’ve gne through the death of her mother and brother, we never really fought, we’ve travelled to beautiful places, whenever I see anything beautiful, I can’t wait to call her. Everything was completely open, honest, and respectful… which is how we got to where we are today.
Sniffs_Markers’s libido woke back up after what seemed to be a period of dormancy (finally!)… but she has no sexual attraction to me. She wants to be loved and have her body loved, but I can’t be the one to provide that (no matter how much I may want to).
She says I am her foundation. I am her family. She doesn’t want that to change. She didn’t want to “cheat” on me either, but she feels she is being monogamous to “'nothing” (true enough, if she doesn’t want sex with me, then being monogamous with me is pretty pointless). “Open marriages” only work when it’s what both people want. I need to know she’ll come home to me, that in ten years she’ll still be my home too. She feels horrible that she’s hurt me.
This sucks.
So does running her company. We’ve invested a lot into it, and it’s really hard to do PR and talk enthusiastically about someone who has just ripped your guts out with their honesty and left you feeling half-dead.
Not at all. Those were wonderful years that you will probably look back on someday and remember fondly. We learn and grow from our relationships, whether they last for a few minutes or decades. You are the person you chose to be at this time in your life, partly because of Sniffs_Markers.
Hugs.
I can’t imagine how hard it must be to have this happen and not be able to get away from it for a while. You have a business together and you (practically) live together, so anything that happens is all out in the open for both of you to see.
You stated that you wouldn’t be able to bear the sight of her with another. If she decides to act on her new feelings you will probably know right away. At that point you should call a good friend- maybe one of the other posters who are in your area nad can help- to get you through the rough spot. Once you can see your situation clearly, you can decide if you want to try to rekindle this relationship or if you need to move on.
But, what do I know- except that I’ve been there, not the exact circumstances but close. I hope it works out for you, and you can be happy.
Dammit! :mad:
So why is it that I’m feeling like the big bad? I’m the dumpee, not the dumper, but the brief times I’ve seen Sniffs_Markers, she looks really unhappy.
I’m taken the pull-the-bandaid-off-FAST approach. Seeing as I can’t even make eye contact with her since she dumped me and being hugged by her makes me miserable, I’ve been trying to keep my distance so I can adapt to the feeling of not having a spouse to come home to.
I really don’t think she realized that dumping me so she could date other people would actually change everything else too! :smack:
So now she’s feeling sad and lonely, but WTF am I supposed to do about that? I can’t give her a big hug in solidarity and say, don’t feel bad, it’s you and me against he world, kid!
Gah! I hate being dumped. Hate it.
Eats_Crayons, that sucks. I know how much that hurts.
But from what you’ve written, I’d say it’s time for you to make a clean break of it and move on. I know, it hurts. And it’s gonna hurt for a while. But it will get better, and maybe you can have an even better relationship in the future!
A wise man once said to me, “No relationship was time wasted if you learned something from it.”
I’m trying to. I’m trying to change my routine a bit, so that I have new activities to keep me busy and I don’t start wallowing in self-pity too much. E.g. It’s hard to come home and not dial Sniffs’s number first thing after coming in the door to figure out whose making supper tonight. I think this is what is making Sniffs sad – she’s now realizing how big the decision to end our pseudo-spousalhood really is.
She used to call me a couple times a day at work, just to say “hi” and in many ways we were an ideal couple. So the lost little details are what’s making stuff so tough on both of us.
I don’t regret a thing about the wonderful three and a half years. We almost never fought, we were completely open about everything in our hearts and minds. We were best friends, we shared everything, yet we maintained our individual lives so we never fell into a rut or got bored with each other. I don’t regret anything.
I’m sad that sh just can not see me in a sexual context anymore. I do believe her when she says she loves me more than almost anyone else in the world. If I had the emotional fortitude to be able to handle knowing my spouse had lovers, I wouldn’t begrudge her flings. But I know from previous experience, that I just don’t have what it takes.
So I am mourning the loss of a phenomenally incredible rapport.
Unfortunately I can’t make a totally clean break of it. I do PR for her record label and a good chunk of my time is spent promoting her and convincing folks that she is the greatest thing since cheese on pizza. Pretty weird thing for me to be doing right about now.
Um…good? She should feel miserable, and you should feel absolutely no obligation to feel bad about it or ease her pain. She ripped out your heart and stomped on it, she’s not allowed to make you feel bad that you’re not there to comfort her.
Aw, Eats_Crayons, I’m so sorry. Here’s to better days, my friend.
The thing is I’m not angry. She is a beautiful woman with a libido that is alive and well. She needs a fulfilling sex life, she deserves a fulfilling sex life, and I really want her to be happy with a fulfilling sex life, and I would most assuredly be happy to provide her with a fulfilling sex life. However, no matter how much she loves me (and I love her back), the sexual spark just isn’t there for her. Not for me anyway.
So even though I am horrendously hurt and disappointed, I also know that if someone isn’t sexually attracted to you, there’s nothing that can really change it. She hasn’t felt that spark in a long time and still maintained an otherwise incredibly good and healthy relationship for all this time.
Hurt, though I may be, I don’t want her to feel miserable. And she feels horrible about hurting me. She wasn’t being a selfish bitch or anything. She needs sometihng that I can’t provide her and that’s not really anyone’s fault. It just worked out that way. And we’re both really losing out.
It sucks being in this position though. Because it’s not like I can “make it all better.”
<Sigh>…Ok, here’s some advice, but please be forewarned, *it’s probably *very ** bad advice. Earlier in the thread, I said:
Only half true. I never moved on with my life. I knew the entire time that what we had was exactly what I wanted.
The trouble was, she had never explored. I’m 10 years older than my wife. She had a serious relationship all through high school which ended after graduation, and we hooked up right afterward. She had never had a chance to play the field. After a number of years, things weren’t really going well, for a number of reasons. She ended it, and it wasn’t until I didn’t see her every day that I realized how much she meant to me. But by then, it was too late. She was going to have the freedom she never had before. I could stay her friend or not, but our relationship was done. So, I did the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do – I remained her friend.
We helped each other set up online dating profiles. We’d go to bars together, and I’d let guys know she was interested in them. I let her cry on my shoulder after she fell in love with someone else, and then got dumped by him. I spent six months barely able to keep down the bile that all of this was doing to me – to watch the woman I loved more than anything get used by guys left and right, and then to hear her complain that she can’t find someone who would really love her. Ugh…it was difficult, to say the least.
It took awhile, but finally she woke up. She realized that I was the man she had been looking for, and our relationship is so, so much stronger than it was before the breakup. Yes, it was an extremely tough time, and even once we got back together, it still took me a good year to not get occasionally sicked by what we had been through. But in retrospect, it really was the most strengthening thing that could’ve happened to us.
It’s not in the least bit easy. It’d probably be less painful to just put your nuts in a vice and give it a good, hard twist. I suppose what I’m trying to say is the same thing most others are saying – that the best move you can make is to move on with you life. The only difference is, I’ve found that sticking around can work too.
…but if you can manage to do it, it just might work out for the best.
Like I said at the beginning, it’s most probably very bad advice. But, take from it what you will. I certainly hope for the best for you.