… that I recieved at work just now.
Me: Good Afternoon, can I help you?
Caller: Hello, I’m calling for Simon.
I’m sorry, he’s not in this afternoon. Can I take a message or get him to ring you back?
But he’s the pieman!
**I’m sorry…? **(thought I must have misheard him)
But he’s the pieman! *(Ok, he’s trying to be funny. Fair enough, but I’ve got customers)
*
polite laugh That’s as may be but he’s still not here. Would you like him to ring you back?
silence
Sir… would you like to leave a message?
Where’s he got to then?
He’s had a minor family emergency I’m afraid. Nothing drastic, but he’s said he’s unlikely to be back in today. *(His less-than-bright wife was caught AGAIN for driving without a licence and he had to go and fix it - that’s a minor family emergency, right?)
*
What sort of “emergency” huh? suggestive emphasis on emergency
Oh, nothing terrible as far as I’m aware. He didn’t really specify. Can I help you at all?
Maybe it was the kind of emergency like falsetto voiceHoooneeey, come hoooo-oooome now, I have something foooo-ooor you?* Heh-heh? Like that?
He probably wouldn’t tell me if it was anything like that, sir. *stifling giggles, having decided that he’s annoying but in a strangely likable way.
*
excited I bet he wouldn’t! I bet he wouldn’t!
Mmm. I also bet he wouldn’t. So, is there something I can…
further excitement I never get calls like that! Never!
That’s a shame.
No, when I get called home it’s ‘Oy, you forgot the boy! He’s supposed to be at the dentist’.
Well, kids need healthy teeth to bite ankles sir. *(Why, why did I say that? It’s not even funny…)
*
They do! Grargh! Arg! Arg! (Those were growly, bitey noises, for clarification). laughing
Indeed. Would you like…
Hey, you could probably go home now.
I’m sorry…?
If he’s not there. You could bugger off home. Even better, I bet you’ve got a boy squirreled away someplace, heh? Heh? Heh?
**
It’s possible but unfortunately I have to keep the shop open until 6pm. ***(I decided not to make clear the fact that I don’t have a boyfriend, just in case…)
*
So should I drop in tomorrow to see him?
You could, but it would be wise to ring and check first to see if he’s here, he has a lot on at the moment.
He’d have more on him if you closed up early…hey?
silence while I figure that one out
I was referring to Simon, Sir.
I was referring to your boyfriend. Would he be there if I dropped in to see him?
Yes, I realize that now, and no he wouldn’t. If you’d like to call back tomorrow you may be able to catch Simon…
You don’t know if he’ll be there, then. The pieman this time!
**No Sir, I manage the shop for him, I’m not a secretary or anything like that. If you need to see him, you’ll need to make an appointment with him personally…
**
Shop?
Yes, the shop. He owns a bookshop. I manage it for him. Anyway, he doesn’t clear a schedule with me or anything, I can pass on a message or a phone number if you like though.
What kind of shop?
It’s a bookshop sir. A second-hand bookshop.
Ooooooooh…
**Indeed. **
Do you buy books?
We do.
What about model car books?
Yes, we do actually have a bit of demand for those.
What about model car book owners?
I don’t quite follow sir.
Me? Would you buy me?
That might be ever-so-slightly illegal but you never know.
Uh-huh. I see. So can I leave a message or what?
You really can.
I took his details and will pass them on to my boss.
But… wtf?