Thank you all for warping my once normal, but fragile, little mind. I ate at a restaurant this week where my waitress was missing her arm below her elbow and had no prosthesis. I imagined myself suggesting to her, “You know, you should try one of those DORRANCE #5X STAINLESS STEEL HOOKS. I heard they’re great.”
Fortunately, I only imagined it.
yep, this woman certainly is losing grip with reality. she won’t be handsome after the surgery. on the other hand, if she ever comes into power, she can truly rule with an iron fist.
(p.s. love the “Prints” pun. See, plenty of material still at hand.)
About a month or so ago somebody from the somethingawful.com forums emailed her and said that she knew where she was coming from, and that she was planning on having her 3 year old son’s arms amputated. The woman responded that it was best to wait until the kid was old enough to make the decision on their own, so I guess she’s not TOTALLY without sense…
After the surgery handjobs on her boyfriend won’t come in handy anymore.
Ummmm. . . sorry.
if she ever gets into professional boxing, her opponents’d better watch that mean right hook of hers.
oh, have you heard what her favorite song is? “Disarm” by the Smashing Pumpkins.
OK, I really ought to leave now…
a guy with no arms and no legs in your mailbox? - Bill
a guy with no arms and no legs on your front stoop? - Matt
a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? - Art
a guy with no arms and no legs in a pot on the stove? - Stu
a guy with no arms and no legs in the bathtub? - Bob
a girl with no arms and one leg? - Eileen
a Chinese girl with no arms and one leg? - Irene
(My favorite) - a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? - Russell
…and I have to work with this man??? 
Well from reading her website I found that her boyfriend Rob had a previous girlfriend who was a double amputee with #5 etc etc.
Listen girlfriend. He dumped her! What makes you think he will still want your hand in marriage if you get this done.
[Maestro sford sits in front of keyboard, cracks knuckles with a flourish]
People, people … please try to have an open mind with her. We need to embrace her handicap - she sure won’t be able to. Remember, there are pros and cons to every situation.
On the one hand, she won’t have to worry about her dog biting the hand that feeds it. On the other hand, she will probably lose her job as model for Yellow Pages’s “Let your fingers do the walking” logo. But then again, think of all the money she’ll save on computer games that improve hand-eye coordination. And maybe she can get a job as a model for Snap-on Tools. But sadly, all her houseplants will surely die when she loses her green thumb. But she’ll save money on Oil of Oley - she’ll use WD40 instead.
Somebody should send her a copy of “Tank Girl”. THAT was a cool arm.
Gee, it just doesn’t sound quite as uplifting to sing, “Put your hook in the hand of the Man who stilled the waters…”
I’ve got to hand it to Zebra, thanks for bumping this thread. I thought it had slipped between our hands into the oblivion that is Page 6 of MPSIMS…
Oh, but surely one day, after the surgery, she’ll be thumbing through a magazine, laying underneath a palm tree, reflecting on how “Armageddon” was such a great movie, nailing flies with the paper from the straw in her handy-dandy drink, talking over her PCS digital cell phone…
As weird as may seem, those hooks and glasses are beautiful. Most people have an aversion to her appearance, but I find it kind of… I don’t know, disarming?
All I can say is, she’s gonna have a helluva time doing the Hokey Pokey after this…
“You put your twin body powered prosthesis with #5X Dorrance Steel Hook in, you put your twin body powered prosthesis with #5X Dorrance Steel Hook out…”
Just doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.
I bet if she could see this thread, and see how we’ve all had fun at her expense, she’d reconsider the whole deal.
How else could she give everyone the finger?
What if Eric Clapton had this same surgery?
They’d call him No-hand.
On the other hand…
Has anyone besides myself, really pictured her in their mind? What if she were naked, standing before you?
I envision a sort of human-sized plucked chicken.
“Cluck me hard, baby.”
I’m washing my hands of this entire thread.
…and she’ll have an eyepatch the first time she gets something in her eye…
well, it’s out of our hands.
Maybe all he wants is her hand in marriage…
…and she’ll have an eyepatch the first time she gets something in her eye…
well, it’s out of our hands.
We shouldn’t be making jokes like this. I used to have a dog that had no legs. It was really sad because I couldn’t give him a name. He wouldn’t come when I called. And I got really upset when people would laugh when I took him out for a drag.
After he died, I had another dog for a while, but lost him in a tragic accident. He was running across the railroad tracks and almost made it. The train ran over the last two inches of his tail and cut it right off. He yipped real load, turned around and tried to bite the train. Needless to say, the next set of wheels cut his head off.
Just goes to show that you shouldn’t lose your head over a little piece of tail…