I am not sure if this belongs here or in GD, so I’ll start here.
I am the mother of a ten month old son and I have another little boy on the way. I know I have a lot of time to decide, but for right now I am leaning toward homeschooling for them. My MIL home schools and my BIL will be graduating early and is way ahead of his peers according to all the standardized testing. So therefore I am not sure that the argument that homeschooled children will not measure up academically holds water. Furthermore, if my children are anything like me, the public school system will probably fail them spectacularly. I still carry scars from the bullying and abuse I took for daring to be a little different. I feel I owe it to my children to assure that they do not have to suffer through that kind of extreme abuse. I don’t think I am exaggerating when I compare the trauma of school bullying with the trauma of a domestic abuse survivor. Of course, my boys may get to school age and demonstrate that they are not the type of kids who will be targets for that kind of abuse. I am still not sure that I could send them into an environment that may cause them to become participants or spectators to that abuse. I am somewhat torn.
My neighbor insists that homeschooling would be a terrible mistake. He works for a technical college and insists that most of the homeschooled children he sees come through there fail. He claims that a homeschooled child will be socially handicapped and unable to deal with the natural social politics that permeate adult life. He says that children must deal with bullying and learn to become strong. He thinks that it’s healthy for children to have expectations placed on them that do not come from the parents and regards homeschooling as a form of coddling. I asked him why we expect children to become strong and deal with abuse but we do not expect the same from an adult battered wife. He thinks I am overstating it.
So, IYHO, who’s right? He’s got me thinking, but I’d like to hear other perspectives as well.
I’ve seen successful homeschooling and I’ve seen unsuccessful homeschooling.
The successful ones, in my experience, tend to have a few characteristics in common. First, the parents are very bright and knowledgeable people in most subject areas. Second, the made an effort to make sure their kids were involved in outside activities like city sports, martial arts, book clubs, etc. There was always something to make sure there was social interaction with other children. Third, they were involved in a kind of home school co-op with other parents. This provided resources and social interaction. Finally, the parents weren’t nuts. This is last thing is key.
I’ve also seen the opposite and to say the the kids turned out odd would be an understatement.
Also, if your worried about abuse remember not all schools are created equal. Some are very good at preventing bullying.
I think homeschooling can be effective and a great choice. That said, I don’t think it should be a choice made on the basis of your own school experiences. School cultures vary enormously: the high school I teach at is nothing like any of the three high schools I attended, and none of those three were like each other. No one should send their kids to a school blindly, but a well-run school can be an amazing, nurturing place that can do a lot of good for a kid. What happened to you (and, to some degree, me) may not be uncommon, but that doesn’t mean it’s normal or inevitable.
I would wait till your kids are older and get a handle on what sort of person they become. There is no best solution–it depends on the kids and the school and also the parent–I’m a damned fine teacher, but I don’t think I’d be a good home-schooler, and I suspect one could also be a great parent and a lousy home-schooler.
As a teacher, my only real concern about homeschooling is that while I always thought I was a good teacher, when I look back at my first few years, I made tons of mistakes. I think it was a good thing that those mistakes were diluted by other teachers, who may have been making mistakes of their own, but they weren’t the same mistakes and so hopefully everything essential was covered for each kid.
I don’t have a good opinion of homeschooling because I’ve seen mostly the failures of homeschooling. I used to work for a private tutoring company and parents would bring us their children who had been “homeschooled” because the child had a learning disability. Invariably, I saw children and teenagers who were years and years behind where they should have been. One teenager could not even write his own name. Some of the kids couldn’t read but sure knew a lot about Ancient Rome or construction work. The trend seemed to be that the parents had little clue about how to teach the basics, and instead taught the child about the parent’s own special interests.
On the other hand, I have a friend who was homeschooled. She is very smart, just got her Master’s Degree in Education. She has some social issues, though, such as being an extremely conservative young person who talks politics and religion as if everyone around her agrees. Here in Los Angeles, most people in their 20’s are liberal, or, if they are conservative, know enough to keep their mouths shut in company. She doesn’t seem to have this awareness. I’ve theorized that it might have something to do with her homeschooling. Since she was schooled only within her conservative family, she doesn’t have an accurate view of the opinions of the majority.
I would suggest starting them in normal schools. If they’re really really bright and school bores them, and you’re really bright and up to the challenge of challenging them, pull them out later.
Disclaimer: I have no basis of actual experience on which I have developed this opinion.
Anecdote and all that, but my siblings and I were homeschooled. My brother received magna cum laude honors with his bachelors and is currently in a masters program, I’m finally back in college and carrying an A average. (Top of my class in the last two midterms in my poli-sci class, WOOHOO!) Most studies I’ve seen indicate that homeschooled kids do better on average academically then their public school counterparts. I don’t have any offhand, but could look if you like.
As far as the social side, it depends on how you handle it. If you keep your kids under lock and key then yes, they will have problems. If you get them involved with activities there should be no problem. I think I’m pretty well adjusted socially. A number of dopers have met me so I’m sure they could give an opinion on that as well.
Personally, I think that schools with the greater exposure to different kinds of people are better for kids than homeschooling. I have no experience to back this up, aside from some anecdotes (and I know that the plural of anecdote is not data). I have seen fantastic successes and heard horror stories about home schoolers.
The one thing I can contribute is that sometimes frustrations with the kids on one arena- such as not keeping their rooms clean, or struggling with their siblings- can spill into the academic stuff, and frustration with the academic stuff can spill over into other facets of your relationship. Also, I think that if i kid is not getting a topic, teachers have been (ideally) educated so that they can show a kid the same thing many different ways, until the child really gets it. As someone who is not an expert in teaching, you would probably spend a lot of time repeating yourself.
When i was a kid, i was not the best student at math. My parents, rather than hiring a tutor or having me spend extra time with the teacher, figured it would be better to tutor me themselves. However, both of them are math people and would get very very mad that I was not just picking the subject up innately. This kind of frustration and screaming was detrimental to our relationship when I was younger- I often felt as though I could get nothing right. I would be concerned that this would be the case in home schooling.
So, this is my unscientific opinion, but there it is. Naturally, there are going to be exceptions that apply- whether it is because of the quality of the school, or the needs of the students. However, I am just still not pro-homeschool.
One thing that you may also want to consider is that bullying has been studied more seriously in the past few years, and many districts have been instituting policies. Between the new policies and the fact that you would be a very vigilant parent, I doubt that your children would have problems. Furthermore, much of the trauma from bullying seems to be the longevity of the bullying- as a mother with your level of attention to detail, I doubt that you would let it go on at all.
School is so much more than just academic knowledge. The social thing has been mentioned, but can’t be downplayed. Personally I would never consider removing my kids from the social network they are forming at school. This is fundamental in dealing with the good and the bad of work life to follow. The academic portion of a kid’s education is only a part of the overall experience.
I just considered deleting this, but decided to post anyway. Humans are social creatures and we all need to learn our place in society. School does a pretty good job of this.
I homeschool my two daughters. Feel free to ask me questions.
Here’s my suggestion:
–Read a lot about homeschooling. See what you think.
–Find a local support group, park group, something like that, and start attending–they won’t care that your kids are nowhere near school age. Talk with them, a lot, and see what you think.
–If you can, find a homeschooling conference near you in the next year or so–they are quite cheap, but you’ll be able to visit the exhibit hall even if you don’t buy a ticket. Wander around and see what you think.
–Visit a large, diverse homeschooling message board, ask questions, read the posts…see what you think.
Your local library will probably have information on homeschooling groups in your area; you can also look on yahoogroups and similar sites. You can search for your state’s homeschooling association; it will have a website with lots of information.
People always ask about socialization, but you know what–it’s a big world with a lot of people in it. Your kids can make friends outside of the school system. “Diversity” is sometimes easier to find out in the world than in a closed-off classroom.
Happily, you have several years to research and make up your mind. If homeschooling is really for you, it’s likely that the idea will not go away. Make no mistake–it’s hard work and it isn’t for everyone, but IMO it’s a great way to live.
I forgot: learn the code. Christian groups/coventions are pretty much limited to evangelical Protestants. Inclusive groups should have all sorts, but apparently in some areas the word means something else. Secular groups don’t talk about religion. I don’t know which you’ll prefer. A Christian group may require a signed statement of faith from members, or just leaders.
I think it’s good that you’re considering what kind of child you might end up with as a determining factor, but also consider yourself. Are you self-motivated? Do you almost always or always see tasks through to completion? Or are you a procrastinator who has trouble with follow through? I’ll be honest, I’m the later, especially when the only person I have to answer to is me. The only way I’ll be able to homeschool my daughter is if she stays on her current personality path - she’s insistent and persistent, and she can keep me on task. My son is just like me - procrastinating and lazy - and I knew before he was kindergarten age that we would not make a good homeschool pair. We’d have constantly put off lessons to watch movies or surf the internet instead.
Homeschooling is neither doom nor utopia lol. It is what you make it. I have friends with 4 girls who are homeschooled, they are all more advanced than their comparative grades, and the oldest girl is the most social girl in the area. If you do it right, they will be fine academically and socially. If you do it wrong, then they will suffer for it. Network with other home schoolers and you’ll get plenty of advice on how to avoid pitfalls and maximize success.
I have no experience personally with homeschooling, nor am I a parent. My opinion isn’t probably worth that much. With that said: I see homeschooling as high risk and low reward. A motivated child will learn just as well if not better in a group environment. Also, I don’t think clubs and extracurriculars can compensate for the social learning that goes on in class.
I am aware that homeschooling can be done properly, but I’m fairly confident my future child will not be doing it.
I am neither a parent nor a former homeschooled child, so take my opinion for what it’s worth.
I would imagine that one of the most difficult parts of homeschooling is dealing with your children’s learning in a relatively objective manner. You know how parents freak out when they teach their children to drive, and thus send them to driving school? Well, my father didn’t want to pay for drivers’ ed so he taught me himself, but his freakouts in the car had nothing on what he went through, as an engineer who loved math and science, when I struggled with calculus in high school and asked him for help with my homework. It was really hard for him to have a daughter who didn’t see the beauty in calculus. You would have to be aware of problems like this.
I once tutored a very young, bright boy who really didn’t need a tutor. But apparently nannies who do homework with children are common in Malaysia, where the family was from, and while they couldn’t get a cheap nanny in Canada, they got me to do homework with their son. The rationale was that parents shouldn’t be the ones to sit down with the kids for homework, and it’s not a bad idea, I think, having spent hours with my parents doing homework! You could always use a cheap high school/university student to provide some variety in teaching styles. I was no great teacher, but I had a very similar attitude to writing that the boy I mentioned above had. His mother once nearly cried when she saw how I set up a system for him to get a project written with ease.
I’ve seen good and bad homeschooling situations. It certainly can be done very well, if the parents and kids have the right personalities.
At this point, it’s a bit early to assume that your kids will be like you in terms of social skills, personality, etc. You may have a couple of very outgoing, people-person young’uns who need the social interaction that school provides. (And if you’re not particularly extroverted, it will probably be exhausting for you to try and meet their needs on your own.)
And as others have pointed out, every school is different. Public schools have also changed a lot over the past couple of decades, and there seems to be more emphasis on making sure that kids aren’t tormented and bullied. (My husband teaches 2nd grade, and I know he pays very, very close attention to that with his kids.) I’m sorry that you had such a bad experience, but it sounds atypical. Most kids don’t go through the kind of abuse that you allude to. Of course, you need to do what’s right for your family, but I wouldn’t write off regular schools just yet.
Some parent/child pairs are going to make awesome homeschoolers. And some are set up for disaster. I have a girlfriend who is an award winning teacher in the public schools. Her daughter is a bright motivated honors student. But she knows she can’t homeschool her own daughter - the personality clash from about eleven to sixteen has been horrific. Some parents are motivated and disciplined, some aren’t. Some kids are going to need to be coaxed and prodded, some will be self motivated enough. I once broached the topic of homeschooling with my bright third and forth grader - after a few years of public school they think homeschooling would be a punishment - they LIKE school, they like their friends, they like the opportunities it provides.
Also, understand what you’ll give up and what you gain - as well as what your kids give up and what they gain. Then figure out why you are being motivated to try it. Whenever I have the “I could homeschool” thoughts, it usually comes down to “I really don’t want to go to work anymore…” That isn’t a good reason to homeschool. Also think long term about yourself - homeschooling your children is a career that has a distinct end - and the end happens at a point in time where moms generally make big adjustments and can face a lot of depression. The empty nest blues can be bad - the empty nest blues for a woman who has spent the past two decades immersed in her kids…make sure YOU have other resources and interests.
(And neither of my kids is like me, for what its worth. My daughter has some of me in her, but enough of her father and herself that she is unlike me. My son is MY father’s child - social and easy going).
Something else for you and your husband to think about as you consider homeschooling: Can you afford to have one of you out of the workforce for 15+ years? Remember, if you’re not working, not only are you losing income, you’re not contributing to Social Security or a 401(k). You’ll need to make sure that your husband (if you’re the one who will be homeschooling) has good life/disability insurance in case something happens. How will you keep your work skills and marketability current in case your family gets hit by one of the 4 big Ds: downsizing, divorce, disability or death?
I don’t want to be a downer, and I hope that you’ll never have to face these issues, but realistically, you need to consider these things. Every family should, but especially families that are relying on one income.
Teaching is hard. Most parents, I said “Most”, are not up to the challenge. I am against homeschooling for this reason alone. I don’t find a lot of parents that should ever have been teachers so why should they think a small class will make it any easier?
