My Nan used to say “As easy as shitting in the bed.”
My parter uses the word “wobble” as an all purpose verb.
Me: “What are you doing?”
He: “Wobbling”
I occasionally use “aloha, buongiorno, guten tag” for the WTF? kind of “hello?” It’s rather affected, so I’m trying to stop doing it.
I think I might start using “going to Safeways.” Thank you, Charley, it’s a good 'un.
Among the silly family ones still embedded in my speech patterns, this one for people working / moving / etc in slow motion:
“You work [move, etc] like dead flies are falling off of you”
Hardly anyone outside my family uses that phrase, and since rapidly-moving alert people are not coated in dead flies that are hanging on and NOT faling off of them, I guess it’s less than self-explanatory. I think the original was applied only when someone was being quick and efficient:
“So, does he work, or does he goof off all day?”
“Who, him? Ain’t no dead flies falling off of him!”
Not exactly a phrase, but whenever I or my brother say “That’s not the point” we invariably follow it with “The point is I am now a perfectly safe penguin and my colleague here is rapidly running out of limbs.” Sometimes we say it for other people as well. If we’re in a really silly mood we’ll keep going with “It’s alright, I’ve got them back now. 2 to the power of yadda yadda blah blah to 1 against and falling. Admittedly they’re a little longer than I usually like them.” The conversation has usually lost track of the point that it originally wasn’t by this stage. 
Our family uses “password” for “Fuck you”.
Mamma O was playing around and had locked my sister out on the deck. Sis wanted to come in and Ma asked her “What’s the password?”
Without thinking, Sis replied “Fuck you, Mom.”
A few embarrassed moments later we were all laughing like idiots and the phrase passed into use.
In college, freshman year, I had the hideous job of working in the cafeteria dish room. It was only saved by good humor. I don’t remember how, but me and my friend Jeff used to use the hand gesture for making quotation marks to imply anything sexual. If the phrase enclosed by the hand quotation marks was an action it meant sex if it was a location it was a place for sex.
So we’d say things like “She just ‘handed me her dirty plate’ She passed it ‘through the window’”
Naturally we ended up trying to come up with more and more bizzar phrases.
Anything number of great stuff from “Office Space” - this weekend, we pissed off the cat by moving around in bed, so she goes stalking off, and the guy and I are cracking ourselves up by putting words in the cat’s mouth - “Gonna burn the house down now” and “I was told I could play in the bed at a reasonable level from 9 to 10:30” (in our best Jimmy James voices)
Or…
“Okay, I’m gonna need you to go ahead and get me something to drink from the kitchen now”
Oh, this is gonna sound weird, but here goes. Oftentimes if anybody in my family asks, “What is that?”, someone invariably answers, “A dead cat in a sack.” This comes from my strange little brother. One early morning, bound for a fishing trip, we stop at the store for ice and such. There is a not-quite-flattened paper bag in the parking lot. My (7-yr-old?) brother says, “Look, a dead cat in a sack!” whereupon we all died laughing. Where this came from nobody knows. But it has stuck as one of the strange sayings of my family. Also we call Baskin-Robbins Jack-and-Robin’s, as Jack is my brother and I am Robin.
Whenever somebody complains about something, we sarcastically reply to the whiner “You’ll do what you’re told” but it has to be said with the right tone and timing to be funny.
DMF: “I am not writing any more lab reports”
Me: “Oh, you’ll do what you’re told!”
We also use initials a lot. As is “That DMF is a LQ worker, and a real PITA.” where
DMF = dumb mother fucker
LQ = low quality
PITA = pain in the ass
Something that caught on with my crowd around high school and I have brought with me wherever I go:
“I need to pee like it’s my job!” (Used for exactly what you think it’s used for.)
Another one came from my very stoned friends who would like to shout out things at people walking past their house. One time a guy walked past with a bike and they shouted:
“Hey! Nice bike!”
That phrase is now used whenever ANYONE walks past the house, regardless of whether or not they have a bike.
My friend Chad and I like to use “Dicknuts!” as an all purpose insult, even though it’s now gotten to the point of using it as a greeting, as in, “Hey, dicknuts, what’s going on?”
Something that caught on with my crowd around high school and I have brought with me wherever I go:
“I need to pee like it’s my job!” (Used for exactly what you think it’s used for.)
Another one came from my very stoned friends who would like to shout out things at people walking past their house. One time a guy walked past with a bike and they shouted:
“Hey! Nice bike!”
That phrase is now used whenever ANYONE walks past the house, regardless of whether or not they have a bike.
My friend Chad and I like to use “Dicknuts!” as an all purpose insult, even though it’s now gotten to the point of using it as a greeting, as in, “Hey, dicknuts, what’s going on?”
Apologizing in advance if this is a double-post.
“Sock Puppets”
About a year ago, my CEO had a (blessedly rare) bad idea about a new marketing campaign. It fell to me to show him the error of his ways.
The conversation went something like this for a while:
Me: This is a bad idea, and here’s why (followed by simple, straightforward, number-bolstered explanation)
Him: Yeah, but what if (insert obscure contingency)
Me: That’s a bad idea, and here’s why (insert obscure contingency-directed follow-up)
This went on for several minutes, without him ever really HEARING me. After approximately “what if” #8, I smacked his desk and said, "What the fuck do you need? Sock Puppets? " (Making hand motions like using sock puppets) “This is a bad idea and here’s why!” That time he listened.
Since then, “Sock Puppets” has become standard shorthand in my office for, “This is pretty straightforward but you aren’t listening.” Weird thing was, I never told any of my co-workers about the story. I heard it used once, asked a co-worker where she’d heard it, and she said, “From the CEO.”
Oh, I thought of another one. Whenever a woman with nice breasts comes on TV, or IRL for that matter, my husband and teenage son will say, “Nice dress!” I don’t know where or how this started.
Dicksteen. (like Springsteen)
From the movie Wise Guys, Joe Piscopoe’s Character’s name was Moe Dicksteen, It just sort of stuck as a name I would call my freinds, “Hey, Dicksteen!”
…I’ve found that the “-steen” also attaches well to most monosyllabic curses for a bit of variation, “fucksteen” is one of my favorite variations, I often mutter it in a quiet voice while I’m working.
“Inappropriate for children under 13 and Bill”
– used by my best friend and I to refer to (obviously) anything that could be considered inappropriate for children under 13 (sexual references etc). The “and Bill” refers to race car driver Bill Elliott, who’s always struck the two of us as a bit of a dim bulb for some reason.
Just thought of another one: “…in Haiti.” It comes from Caddyshack, and was said by Chevy Chase when his ball landed on a bird’s beak somehow. He was told that it’s good luck, and he said, “Yeah…in Haiti.” I still have no idea what the hell he meant, but we use it to negatize any statement: “Hey, nice shoes…in Haiti.”
yeah, my dad thinks that joke is hilarious. he says “that’s nice” all the time.
My brothers do that with “shnoz” … like “what’s her shnoz” or calling my friend Shnozy when they can’t remember her name. they’re kind of phasing it out now though.
hey, whatever butters your bagel, pal. or whatever ices your cake, whatever toasts your buns, whatever toots your flute. it should be noted that these are all vaguely sexual references, the last one being the most obvious. (the first is my favorite though!:))
Whenever someone (especially a guy) is telling a pointless story, someone else is guaranteed to say “What’s your point, Vanessa?” (from Austin Powers).
The Discovery Channel had a series of recent commercials featuring two tubby guys reading deadpan dialogue while wearing cheesy costumes. In one of these classics, the two guys are dressed up as meteors. They exchange a few sentences about what they’ve learned by watching The Discovery Channel, and one of them mentions that he learned that meteors burn up in the atmosphere. Suddenly, big fake flames erupt all around them and they intone - still very deadpan - “Aaaah. [like a scream, only with no emotion] The atmosphere. Aaaah.”
My teenage daughter and my son, just turned thirteen, were sitting around together one day. My son, with the subtlety of his age, declared that he could fart whenever he wanted to, and he proceeded to demonstrate. Spontaneously, my daughter and I said together, “Aaaah. The atmosphere. Aaaah.”
Some of us families have all the fun . . .
OK, a couple of people have mentioned this. What’s the joke in question? (Granted, I already know the punch line, but hey…)
High school thespians. “Nice shoes” …wanna fuck? (We spent a show voting on our favorite pick up lines…that one one…we shortend it to the first half for true in-joke status)
“Bad <insert here, game, test, day, week, parent>, bad, bad <blank>. No cookie”
From college.
All manner of half words/non verbal noises…rar, grr, purr (in all its variations) for pretty much pure emotional expression.
“I love you” I’m bad at saying it so I dropped into this half disrespect of the whole idea.
“I love you!” “Yea, I know…kinda fond of you myself” grin
My favorite was “nice eyes” My guy friends had a in joke about replacing the word breasts with eyes. I told this to my very pretty friend Laurel. Upon introducing her to one of the guys, he is his cocky self and says, “Wow, nice eyes!” I grin. She grins. He grins. I say, “She knows what that means.” I grin. She grins. He turns the color of a tomato and has to reassume his bad-ass attitude some two minutes later. She’s a good sport.