So, I Read Twilight

Cafe Society
41

Can I ask someone to spoil the end of book 4 for me?

I was reading them at the same time as a former co-worker - we’d come into work and have fun making fun of the horribleness.

I no longer work with the guy (yes, a guy) and I certainly did not buy the books, and I never finished book 4. I was up to the point where the werewolf best friend imprints on the baby… did anything significant or hysterically funny because it’s so bad happen after?

Thanks!

(and thanks for the links to the cartoons and commentary, truly amusing!)

42

It disturbs me to know that my niece (age 12) has read Twilight over 30 times.

I was thinking of picking it up just to stay in touch with what she’s reading, but I think this thread, the “summary” linked by Leaper and the 30-second bunny version give me more than I needed to know.

43

Oh, yes…

[spoiler]Bella ends up being teh best vamp evah!!! because she’s able to control herself way beyond what is expected of a newborn vamp; she and Edward go hunting, and she actually turns away from some hikers in the woods PLUS wants to screw the hell out of Edward despite the fact that she should be OTT hungry. Of course, Bella’s wearing a skin-tight skin dress and stiletto heels the whole time. She’s more agile than Edward (tho they concede he’s faster), and physically stronger than… uhhh… what’s the super-strong guy’s name? Emmett? That guy. She utterly flips out when she finds out that Jacob imprinted on Nessie (though I think part of that is the uber-awful nickname) and tries to kill him, but Seth steps in (getting some bones broken for his trouble) and he and Edward stop her. The other pack of werewolves back off the ‘kill the baby and the Cullens’ thing 'cause you can’t kill someone that a werewolf is imprinted on (really??)

Nessie (the baby) grows at a ridiculous rate, and her power is to communicate her thoughts by touching people. She’s only slightly sparkly, and her bite doesn’t have the venom in it (they figured this outcause she tends to bite when she’s not fed on time), and apparently that makes her different from the other child vamps that have been hunted down and killed before (they were more like Claudia from Rice’s books). Charlie’s brought in on the secret when Jacob fur-splodes in front of him (he’s not allowed to TELL Charlie, but he can SHOW him), but I don’t think Mom is ever called.

Alice and Jasper leave 'cause the Big Bad Vamp council is coming- they’ve been alerted by the girl vamp whose mom was dusted for having a half-vamp baby that there’s another abomination around. Alice leaves a note encouraging the Cullens to get everyone they can to meet Nessie in the meantime, and lots of nomad vamps are brought in to oooh and ahhhhhh over Bella’s creation. Then we find out Bella’s super-awesome-better-than-anyone power: her mind shield, the one she used against Edward from the beginning. Turns out it’s so super-awesome that she learns how to extend it around her, and Edward, and Nessie, and… well, everyone, actually. :rolleyes:

So Bella goes to some weird lawyer to get papers for her and Nessie and Edward and Jacob so they can skip the country, but she doesn’t tell Edward what she’s doing cause he doesn’t have her super-awesome mind shield powers. But the Big Bad Council shows up just as they’re about to leave, and there’s going to be a huge confrontation because remember how the nuimber of werewolves is tied to the number of vamps in town? Well, lots more of the townsfolk have fur-sploded in response to all the vamps that came to ooh and ahh, so now there’s going to be an epic Underworld-style battle. But at some point (can’t remember where it came up) we spend time finding out that the werewolves aren’t really werewolves, but shapeshifters, and they can’t make other werewolves by biting cause it’s genetic.

So the Big Bad Council read Nessie’s thoughts, and admit she’s not a child vamp, and the vamp that reported them admits that she made a mistake, and the Council gets pissed and tear the snitch apart in front of her “sisters” hoping that- okay, I have no idea where they were going with that. I think to get a fight started so they could kill everyone and make it look like self-defense. The Cullens send Jacob off with Nessie, and Bella gets mad and holds off multiple angry vamp attacks with her mind shield, and the BBC are arguing that even though Nessie is half human they don’t know what she’ll grow up into so she still needs killin’, then Alice shows up with the half-vamp half-brother of the chick they just tore to pieces, and they have to acknowledge that he’s just fine even though he was a child vamp at one time and they killed his mother for birthing an abomination, so everyone sorta slinks off.

The book ends with Bella dropping her mind shield for Edward so she can send him a pRon tape of their first night together as vamp and vampiress, and they make out and have dirty vamp sex. And they all live happily ever after.[/spoiler]

The term fursplode, BTW, should be fully credited to Cleolinda. I use it 'cause it’s AWESOME.

44

bobkitty: :eek:

I am in awe of your pithy summation. Thank you for sparing me the lost hours of reading. I won’t even bother with book 2.

All this aside, I would not forbid anyone from reading these–to do so, IMO, is to make them more appealing. Go ahead and let them read. And then hone their critical analysis with questions and comments.
Stephanie Meyers should be brought up on charges against humanity, though.

45

I would never forbid anyone from reading anything. What I would do, and did in this case, is read it and discuss it. There’s really no denying the unhealthy nature of Bella and Edward’s relationship, and if you talk with kids about it, they can recognize it too. It’s a teachable moment.

46

Does knowing the name of the first captain without looking it up make me a gigantic geek?

47

There’s been a few mentions of Stephen King, here’s his opinion of Twilight’s author:

From my understanding the book is a Mary Sue fest written for teenage girls, so count me out.

48

[spoiler]It’s worth noting that the entire thing with Bella’s child is as much of a teenage girl fantasy about what having a child is like as her relationship with Edward is what it’s like to be in a relationship.

The actual birth is painful and, literally, monstrous, but Bella is rewarded by subsequently turning into the bestest vampire there ever was. She also doesn’t really have to deal with the baby at all afterward, firstly because the Cullens mostly take of it for her, secondly because the baby’s super-fast aging and super-intelligence mean that it can largely take care of itself to begin with.

And not only does Bella get to skip all that yucky taking care of a baby, said baby is, literally, the specialest baby ever and everybody who meets her (not just family) instantly loves and makes her the center of his universe and totally devotes himself to her.[/spoiler]

49

Note: I haven’t read them myself. Just passing along the info…

My mother won’t allow the Twilight books for her student’s reports and stuff (although I think they’re allowed for pleasure reading when schoolwork is done.) Not because of feminism or potential damage or anything, but because they are written, according to the rubric of vocabulary and sentence complexity, at a third grade level. Amazon and Scholastic have it at Age Group 9-12. Considering the Young Adult nature of the subject matter, I think that fits the label of “crappy writing” at almost an objective level.

50

I just looked on Amazon. There is a reading level labeled “9-12 years” and then a separate one called “Young Adult.” A book like Judy Bloom’s Blubber or A Series of Unfortunate Events and the Harry Potter books are in the 9-12 reading level, while Twilight is Young Adult, along with books like Eragon, City of Ember, The Uglies, etc. I’m not sure what grade level your mom teaches, but if it’s over 12 and under 16, she’s probably not being particularly fair to her students for disallowing the books on the basis that they’re written on a third grade level. They aren’t, and I say this as someone who has read them all and thoroughly despises them.

51

The premise of the books is not without its charm or interest–that’s the saddest thing about this series. These could have been books perfect for young adults about self-discovery, peer pressure, handling different worldviews etc. Instead, we have the Ken and Skipper of the vampire world, gushing over one another.

Why does the fact that she’s Mormon strike me as significant somehow? The whole patriarchal BS, maybe.
I do want to see the film, though–I like Robert Pattinson.

52

My favorite part of that article is the response from Twilight fans:

53

My god…that sounds like something out of the Onion!

54

Somewhere around, eleanorigby, there’s a great breakdown on how Twilight is a mormon book. For example, the whole ‘pale marble flesh’ thing is how the mormon saints are depicted.

Here we go.

55

The Age Group used in her school is determined by an algorithm based on word choice and sentence complexity. The Reading Level on for Twilight on Amazon used to read 9-12, as it still does on Scholastic’s website; I don’t know why they changed it (although I can imagine.) But that may be why they use Reading Level instead of Age Group - perhaps they have started including content with their rubric.

The content itself sounds appropriate for older tweens and teens (Young Adult), not 9 year olds. So that’s what I mean: the subject is something that only older kids should be reading, but the reading itself is much too simple to be challenging or increase their reading skills. And since stretching their reading skills is what she’s supposed to be doing as a teacher, she disallows works that won’t do that.

56

God, that was a thing of beauty and a joy forever.

My favorite quote? Right here:

“But there’s something else besides Edwards perfection drawing her to him. Well, besides his perfection and his kick ass soccer mom ride and blinged out sunwhite. And besides that whole “I knew you before you were born and now we can be a proper family for eternity” Mormon stuff. HE HAS THE SWEETEST BREATH. We are told this (as well as of his perfection) over and over and over again.”
Yes. I drive a “kick ass soccer mom ride”–I am so cool.

57

I guess it’s her call. The books are quite lengthy and do involve more adult subject matter. I would not want a 9 year old reading them, especially the last book, but I agree that the reading level itself isn’t all that challenging.

Does your mom let them read Harry Potter? Lots of older kids and adults read them and no one much complains about them being too juvenile. My feeling about free choice reading is that not all kids are at the same reading level, and anyone who wants to pick up a 500 page book for pleasure reading shouldn’t encounter too much resistance from me, as their English teacher. I might feel differently if I were teaching 11th or 12th grade, though.

58

That was interesting reading (funny too!)

I started to read Twilight, didn’t get very far and I figure I’ve read enough of the stuff mocking them that I get the gist so I don’t really have to…

59

Yes. REVEL in your geekness !

60

I only have read the first one, at my daughter’s recommendation, but I don’t get the hate.

It isn’t very good, but it is teen-age Harlequin vampire porn. Of course the relationship is creepy - he’s a vampire, the dynamic of their relationship isn’t going to get the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval[sup]TM[/sup].

And the Beautiful but Dangerous and Unobtainable Hero with A Dark Secret Who Awakens the Plain Heroine to the Beauty Within - gee, I have never seen that before.

She’s not much of a prose stylist, but then neither is King. It’s what it is supposed to be - teen-age girly lit.

Kill a couple hours, score some Daddy points, and have something to talk about with my daughter. Might even read the rest just because.

Regards,
Shodan