[
](Twilight author Stephenie Meyer 'can't write worth a darn', says Stephen King | Books | The Guardian)
Does this look familiar to anyone else? I’m surprised they didn’t throw a “Don’t liek, don’t read!” in there.
At least Anita Blake can kick ass. Although I freely admit that the later books in her series were mostly her whining about her relationships (between her orgies) - the first few books were awesome - gritty, bloody fighting and hot vampire sex. That’s all I really want from my vampires. The one promising fight in the last book - well, if you’ve read it, you’ll know how disappointing that turned out.
I read the whole series (skipped the third book though) and the most overwhelming desire I had afterwards was for a strawberry mojito.
I think because Bella keeps claiming to be smart and bragging about how her science class is so beneath her.
*In the first book she briefly visits the Forks public library, sneers at it because there are hardly any books and she’s read all the good ones already. She leaves without even signing up for a card.
At this point I said, “Bitch, you did not just diss the library!”
Even a very small public library is going to have books that a teenage girl has never read before. And even if the selection at the Forks branch didn’t look very good, then it would almost surely be a part of some bigger county or regional library system. (The magic of the Internet tells me that the real Forks library is part of the North Olympic Library System.) Bella would be able to borrow books from other branches…and she’d know that if she had any experience using libraries at all.
Bella decides that since she loves reading so much she’ll just ignore the library and wait until she can go to a bookstore in a bigger city. When she finally has the chance to do this, she inexplicably wanders north past all the shops and into the warehouse district, where she is menaced by a group of men in plaid shirts. (My friend and I dubbed this the Bella Is Threatened By Pearl Jam scene.) Moron.
Oh yeah, in the scene where she decides to do some research online then when she turns on her computer she says that “of course” the screen is covered in pop-ups. Of course. Bella, Girl Genius, can’t even manage to use a pop-up blocker.
Thank you so much for the recap! Much appreciated.
Oh, and… fursplode! Great word.
I would PAY to see “Bella vs. Castle Heterodyne”. Seriously.
BELLA: Oh, yawn…a giant medieval castle. There aren’t even any sparkly Wulfenbachs to sigh fornlornly over. WHOOPS!
KER-SPLUNK! CRASH! POW! SNIKKKKKT!
Just imagining that was satisfying…
And as much as Edward says she’s wonderful, etc, we never really see that. She’s a “good” person, and all that, but she’s actually RIGHT when she says she’s going on about how normal & boring she is.
The non-main characters are more interesting. I like Alice, and Rosalie is much more interesting in the later books, too, you get some back story on her.
I too just started reading Twilight!
I gave it a go last week, but…seriously…EVERY guy Bella met wanted to date her. And she was only clumsy when guys were around to pick things up for her or to laugh at her cuteness…
It felt as if I were reading the authors high school diary - with everything that had actually happened being crossed out and rewritten as what she’d wished had happened…
I also wondered about the emotional maturity of the author. Especially since Robert Pattinson came out and said that she was crazy and basically in love with her own creation.
I read the first book and found it both tedious and poorly written – not a winner combination, but then I’m 20 years older than the target audience. (Which brings me to the phenomenon I don’t understand, the Twilight Moms, who are women about my age, who apparently adore these books: Really? I can see a 13 year old falling for the “romance” of being completely over-mastered by a male, and overlooking the shitty writing, but what’s your excuse, ladies?)
Anyway, I couldn’t be arsed to read any of the rest of them. This thread (and the links in it) have been way more entertaining than the book was.
Jodi, that’s a mystery, for sure. An old friend sent me the first three books – “You have to read these!” She’s very smart, in her mid-40’s, married to a gorgeous man, has a successful eBay business, and is a foster parent for disabled children. Oh, and she houses foreign exchange students.
I feel bad for discerning young readers. How many 12-year-old girls are going to buck the trend when all their friends are loving these books?
I think you’re right. What people tend to miss is that the only reason Bella does so well at Forks High is because she already covered the material at her old high school. She’s not really smart; she’s just doing things she’s already done before.
And of course in later books…
… she basically shits herself at the mere thought of attending college, even when Edward offers to go with her. Education? Why would Bella need that when the perfection that is Edward has already made her life complete? Retch!
That alone, shy guy, is enough for me to not recommend these books to anyone. Supposedly she took AP Bio in Phoenix–why’d she do that, if not to go to college?
I won’t read the rest of them–I have a feeling they’ll make me homicidal.
I mentioned this once before, but I have a copy of Twilight. My boyfriend got it for me for Christmas. The pages were cut out and another gift was hidden inside. A prank because he knows I don’t like books about vampires and similar.
My copy is the best copy out there - you can’t read it.
I’m 22 and I see a lot of people I know around my age LOVING these books…I guess it’s good they are reading (these are people who don’t read often) but ugh, for real? If you’re gonna read a book below your reading level at least read a good one.
Who knows, really. As I recall, it’s not ever made clear what Bella’s plans were pre-Edward, and she certainly tosses every single one of them right out the window the minute she meets him.
[spoiler]In, I think, the third book, Edward makes Bella marrying him a condition of his turning her into a vampire. Bella has zero qualms about being made one of the undead (which, in the Twilightverse, is sensible; as I mentioned, there are almost no negative consequences to being vamped) and spending, literally, eternity with Edward, but for some reason the idea of getting married to Edward freaks her the fuck out. She goes as far as to make alternate vamping plans with Carlisle just in case Edward insists on being stubborn about the whole marriage thing.
It makes little sense and they spend almost no time explaining it except to say that Bella’s mother warned her against early marriage and she doesn’t like how getting married at eighteen will look to her friends and family.
I know. As opposed to just turning into a fucking vampire without the marriage component.
Edward persuades her over and over to attend at least one year of college, going as far to fill out and send in applications for her, but Bella will have none of that. I don’t think she spends much time at all thinking about what will occupy her time once she’s immortal, actually, and it becomes moot once she gives birth to the Specialest Baby Ever who all love and adore.[/spoiler]
I have zero interest in reading Twilight or any in the series (life is too short for bad books, that’s my motto). I believe reading the parodies and summaries in the links provided has served to far better entertain me. Thanks!
Yep.
As a comic fan who hasn’t read the books and has no interest in seeing the movie, (and holds no delusions about the literary quality of superhero tales), I just feel the need to point out that in the X-Men comics being a mutant holds very real and very serious social implications that are dealt with in a direct manner. And unlike with Edward and his vampiric kin, in this series it would seem at least, hiding the fact that you’re a mutant, (or a vampire), can be difficult. I’ve even seen the question raised; “If you are a mutant who can hide your identity is it socially responsible to do so?” Different characters deal with these questions in very different ways.
Which I suppose is just a way of saying even mass produced superhero comics have more character depth than these books which have somehow happened upon a cultural wave. That’s just depressing. :smack:
Comparing Buffy and Angel to Bella and Edward sounds like comparing apples to apple seeds that have no desire to grow or mature in any way.
As I said I haven’t read the books and my knowledge of them only comes through cultural osmosis so take my opinions with a grain of salt.
I don’t see them as comic book heros. I see the vampires in Meyer’s world as the Scooby-Doo set of cartoons–only LESS cool. I mean, come on, Velma was cool…
Savannah
Yeah, the Mr. Rochesteriness was so obvious-that’s why I was referencing it in my post above. When I read the book I was basically thought to myself that Edward was basically supposed to be a ratio of 2 parts Rochester to 1 part Darcy all skewed through the lens of a very poor writer with a limited emotional range. Personally and in her writings.
Also, I never thought this would be possible, but I read a really angsty “feminist” defense of Bella written by some mom blogging group a while back.
I’m reading them just for the snark value. It’s priceless. I also want to see if “all” of Edward sparkles…cuz if I were Bella, that would be my first question. (Admit it, ladies-wouldn’t it be yours too?)
In the latest issue of GQ, there’s an interview with Pattinson. He made a bet with Rupert Grint, who plays Ron in the Harry Potter movies (Pattinson played Cedric Diggory in Goblet of Fire) to read them. Grint thought they were horrid. Even Pattinson hates Edward-so he said he plays him as someone who basically hates himself. Good call.