So I Seem To Have Voluntarily Become Homeless

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
61

So, it’s been way too long without an update, and I apologize for that profusely. I am still alive and in good health. Thursday night I slept terribly and Friday was a very rough day. Saturday and today, Sunday, have gone much better, but with everyone on weekend hours I have had trouble finding a quiet place with free wifi where I could sit long enough to write an update. It’s now 3:30pm CST on Sunday, and I’m at the library, and I was pretty sure I was going to get a full update done, but I just received an extremely hostile SMS text from my Uncle demanding I meet him and my Aunt in person, and threatening both serious stuff like immediately shutting off my phone and absurd stuff like revoking my toll tag if I didn’t comply.

I won’t say my Uncle doesn’t have reason to be upset or agitated, but threatening me at the drop of a hat in order to resolve conflicts, instead of just talking to me like a fellow human being, is why I felt I had to walk away from my Aunt & Uncle in the first place. And I’ve tried, desperately, to communicate how hurtful and upsetting to me that has been many times. In truth I’m most offended that after I’ve walked out and stayed away for five nights, with only the most cursory attempt at communication from them, they actually think that suddenly threatening me more than usual will get me crawling back to them. And seriously, threatening to shut off my phone? They have and will continue to claim to be worried about me, but persons who are worried do not express worry by trying to destroy lines of communication.

I also got at about the same time a voicemail from my psychologist, saying my Aunt and Uncle had called him and asked him to contact me and let me know that they wanted to meet to “hear my proposal for under what conditions I would be allowed to return”. I’m really beside myself with fury. Living with them they made me feel like such dirt every day, subtly deriding every little effort I made, but this is really reaching even for them. I haven’t said a single thing to them since I left, and yet their contempt for me is so great they can’t imagine any other possibility but that I must be ready to beg them to let me come back.

There have been a lot of times this week when I questioned my decision to leave, especially so abruptly; I keep feeling stupid for cutting myself off from all their resources over what I’m sure many other people would consider a matter of foolish pride- and I won’t claim that pride isn’t involved, either. But so is self-respect, and there is no way I can respect myself if I let someone treat me the way they do, and if I can’t respect myself then I can’t bear to show my face to the rest of the world when I step outside every day. And I’m done hiding from the world in my room out of shame. So at least them reacting like this reassures me that I made the right choice: there can be no reconciliation with them; they don’t want reconciliation, they want submission.

I’m sorry all I have is this rant and not a proper update. I have to go work on my response to this new crisis; I’ll give a proper update when I can. I’m going to try checking in just before bed every night even if I’m not up to writing a full update; it might just be a few sentences, but you’ll know I’m alive.

Also, one more thing that I really should acknowledge here right now: at 12:30 pm today purplehorseshoe met me at a Souper Salad, bought me lunch, gave me an hour and a half of human contact, and a box containing a care package. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. I am so glad I got to talk to a kind, sane human being who cares before having to wade back into the shit whirlpool.

62

Sorry to hear that you’re having so much trouble, Strain.

purplehorseshoe, I thank you as well.

63

Way to go Purplehorseshoe!

I’m happy for the update. Stay safe and stay strong.

64

De nada, it was my pleasure truly - life is painful and lonely for me too - and hey! I broke one of my own silly self-imposed rules and met a doper IRL plus had a nice lunch. And learned a tiny chunk of my own city that was still unfamiliar to me. Also …

… You don’t HAVE to do anything.

65

Purplehorseshoe, you never fail to impress me.

Strain of Thought, have you considered getting a tent and staying at a campground? A tent site without hookups shouldn’t cost very much, and it would give you a place to call home. A place to lie down and sleep at night.

66

Here’s some advice about living cheaply without a kitchen.

Canned fish is a great source of micronutrients and protein.
Canned beetroot and sweetcorn are edible without cooking.
Fruit, salad fruits and lettuce don’t need cooking, but they don’t stay fresh long.
If you have an Asian store around, kimchi stays fresh without refrigeration (but the smell might be an issue)

It’s great to hear you have a gym membership, when I slept rough, it was a godsend.

67

Word.

Strain of Thought Thank you so much for keeping us updated. Its OK to rant here, and you really don’t need to reply to each of us. We know that you are in a bad spot and might not have time to quote and reply.

OK, I might just be speaking for me, but I don’t think so.

Anyhow, tomorrow is a holiday, so you won’t be able to get much done as far as government help. Do look into the free cell phone options on Tuesday, that way you can tell your toxic family that you don’t care if they shut your phone off. Won’t that feel good?

My car living time was half my life ago, but I did it as a minor because of my home life. Due to being a minor, I couldn’t use the government safety net. I would have been sent back home or put in juvy or something.

It really sucked, but I managed to get out of that situation and you will as well. Probably much faster than I did, because you have more options.

Oh, did you try the suggestion to fold down your back seat and sleep in the trunk? You might want to get more blankets when you can. If you can’t get any more for free, check out thrift stores. People donate perfectly good stuff when they redecorate.

The library is a very good place to hang out, but do be sure to be friendly and polite to the guards. They are the ones who will kick you out of the parking lot when the library closes…or they might not as long as they know that you aren’t a trouble maker.

Wherever you are parked, never EVER litter. People remember that sort of stuff and it will get you kicked out really fast.

I know that this is going to be a long journey for you, and I’m pulling for you.

68

Soooo… this is a before bed update, for Sunday night. A lot has happened this evening, and a lot of it involves details I’ve glossed over or not gotten to talking about yet. I’ll try to be as succinct as possible. (Spoiler: I completely fail at being succinct.)

The message I got from my Uncle, threatening consequences if I didn’t meet with him and my Aunt, made reference to him canceling a family credit card that was in my wallet; it was used primarily to cover groceries during my time with them, and also for household expenses, such as when I might be running an errand for my Aunt. On Tuesday, when I left, I’d tried to arrange a meeting with my Uncle to maybe get some things and return the card, but for reasons I still don’t understand it didn’t happen. At the time I left a message to my Uncle voluntarily promising not to use the card or try to sneak into the house when they weren’t around, even though no one had suggested that I needed to say those things. I haven’t touched the card since leaving, and never had any intention to.

I considered my continued possession of the card to be the one thing my Uncle had a genuine right to be upset about, so I decided I should remedy that, and unfortunately that meant getting my cousin involved, because there was still no way I was going back to their house. I really, really, have not wanted to get my cousins involved in this; they have their own lives and don’t need any additional source of conflict with their parents, but I hoped this could be a minimal involvement.

So, I typed up a text message to my Uncle saying that A) I left because I was always being threatened, B) I wasn’t going to meet with them if their request was itself a threat, and C) I had given the card and my house keys to their oldest son, who lives not too far from them. I figured if they were willing to shut off my phone, then having it at all was a liability, and frankly they’d look terrible for doing it and it gave me free license never to speak to them again, what with them not having my new phone number. Then I drove over to my cousin’s house to deliver the card and keys, planning to send the message right afterwards.

Annnnnnd that’s not how things went, because my cousin is a very very nice person and when I knocked on the door and tried to give him the card and the keys and walk away, he talked me into coming inside for a moment, and then talking just a bit about what was going on, and then letting him help me come up with a better response to his parents, and then letting him talk to them on my behalf, and then spending the night on his couch. It was basically an inversion of “If You Give A Mouse A Cookie”. He even talked me into eating a leftover steak sandwich. It was good.

At one point I cried.

At another point Scribble called on the phone in response to an email exchange we’d had regarding possible extremely part-time work for me grading test papers, and I told her where I was and what was going on and she made a beautiful argument for accepting my cousin’s help that I can’t quite remember the details of but had something to do with getting stronger so you could help other people in return. Also, apparently I have extremely part-time work now.

I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow. I don’t know if my phone is going to get shut off. I may be here for awhile. This is definitely one-day-at-a-time territory.

I do know that I am tired and I need to go crash on this couch, and that I am very thankful to all of you who are following this thread. Goodnight.

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Thanks for giving us an update. And let me ask you this - if the positions were reversed, and you were in a position to help your cousin, would you? I bet you would, so please don’t feel hesitant in accepting his help. You are in a position right now where you need help. There’s nothing wrong with that, we’ve all been there in different ways.

I hope you get a good sleep. Take care.

70

When I worked as an eligibility counselor at DHS we had the option of having the food stamp cards mailed to us on behalf of a homeless client who could come to our office to pick it up. It’s worth asking at your local office if they could do the same for you.

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Thinking of you, sending you tsunamis of calming vibes.

I think you deserve the highest of congratulations for slaying a mighty dragon! (toxic loved ones and abuse!) It is no easy task to break out of orbit from dysfunction. It’s grip is iron strong, the gravitational pull extreme. As many on this board can attest through bitter experience. But you did it! It matters not that it was messy or unexpected, you did it! I feel you should sit right down and give yourself some props for that.

And enjoy the sleep of the righteous on your cousin’s couch, you more than deserve some good nights sleep. Accept his hospitality, but only short term, set a timeline! (after all your freedom and independence have come at too high a price to surrender so quickly!)

Keep prioritizing your mental health, above all else. Which most assuredly means sleeping better. You may need to get more blankets pillows, etc!

I hope you know we’re all pulling for you, please don’t hesitate to come here when you need to talk, it must be very hard for you.

Wishing you the best!

72

Couch surfing is much better than living in your car. It sounds like your cousin is a good person who is honestly interested in helping you.

Do your best to be the best house guest ever. Clean up after yourself and clean up after him. Clean the floors and dust the common areas while he’s at work, coming home to a clean house is even better than coming home to a hot meal IMO.

Don’t do this thinking that you have become someone’s unpaid housekeeper, do it because you need to live in a clean and tidy place.

More good wishes coming your way. I hope things continue to look up.

73

Under purplehorseshoe, instead of ‘member’ it should read ‘saint’.

74

Or at least “awesome”.

75

Something you might want to look into, if you can, is the FCC’s Lifeline program:

It provides cheap cell phone service to eligible people, and can cost as little as $10 a month, or even less.

Specifically, take a look at Assurance Wireless:

http://www.assurancewireless.com/public/Welcome.aspx

which will give you a free cell phone, 250 free minutes, and 250 free text messages a month.

76

Hey,

Just posting to say I’ve been following your ongoing saga as well. Best of luck!

RD

77

Aw, fer cryin’ out loud, I just bought the guy a small lunch and gave him a towel* I didn’t need, a magazine I’d finished reading, and some snacks. It gave me a reason to get out of my apartment, and out of my head, for a little while. (Hell, Strain, you did me the favor … ) So knock it off.

Besides, he’s kinda re-starting his life and, since my husband died, so am I. It didn’t even click for me until much later but that’s probably why I reached out to him - something I wouldn’t normally do - since there are some parallels to our lives. That, and for an international message board he happens to live relatively close to me. If he was one of our Australian or Japanese posters, for instance, I’d simply be lurking in his thread same as the rest of you folks.

Concur with flatlined on the “how to be a grateful houseguest” reminders.

  • seriously. How the fuck did I wind up with so many towels?
78

Monday night bedtime update:

Not Dead, but Dead Tired.

Still at my cousin’s. Was expecting some kind of fallout from his parents finding out he was harboring a fugitive, which to my amazement did not materialize. I had told my cousin yesterday that if I ended up meeting with them in person (and implicitly, getting into a fight) as a result of letting him talk me into staying, then that would mean I had in fact let him suck me back in. That hasn’t happened, and my Aunt & Uncle have made no further attempt to contact me all day, which is nice but danged confusing.

My cousin works at his father’s company; a huge part of why encouraging me to stay here is so generous of him is that it means he’s opened himself up to a world of criticism from his parents that he can’t simply avoid listening to. But he said he could handle them, and apparently he has- Sunday night he had a long and clearly painful conversation with his mother, of which his end (the part that I could hear some of) mostly consisted of repeating non-confrontational phrases in a calm voice. That conversation at the time appeared inconclusive to me; certainly his mother is livid at me for what she sees as taking advantage of her son. But today when I got home and asked him how things went at work, he said he just told his father that I was staying with him, and his father just accepted it and dropped the subject. I don’t understand how his father can switch gears to and then back from aggressive tactics so easily, but my cousin seems confident the issue is settled, at least for the time being.

This is good at the very least because the weather report says another cold snap is coming this week and I wasn’t looking forward to trying to sleep in the car when the temperature went into the twenties. Still, I spent part of the day taking advantage of the opportunity to empty the car and clean it out; I think I’ll feel better, and stay more focused on my goals, if I keep myself ready to roll back out. In the meantime, my Ticket-To-Work caseworker called back three days early with a first round of jobs to apply to, saying he’d stepped things up because of my situation. Again, he’s really, really impressed me with his patience and concern. He’d asked me to start calling apartments just to get numbers for the area, so he can guess my living expenses; I did that today, and it confirmed that this is not a cheap area to live in. After that was done, and he called back with the listings, I started on the applications; I feel like that is going to be the most grueling part of this whole thing. Hopefully with exposure it will get less painful.

So… things seem like they’re moving to the next stage, really. I don’t even know if I can honestly call myself homeless when I’ve got a couch to sleep on. Things are just a bit crowded here, actually: my cousin is married to a very nice girl, and his younger brother, obviously also my cousin, just moved in after breaking up with a long time girlfriend and being in need of a place to get his bearings from. I haven’t figured out what all I need to do to not step on toes, but when I asked my (elder) cousin, who has a dark sense of humor, about rules, he said he probably wouldn’t even comment on anything short of me taking a crap on their living room floor. So, this is a pretty laid back environment. And no, it is not at all a dirty home. But as I was saying, this feels like it’s stopped being about crisis management and started being about building something and moving forward. That’s kind of scary, actually; crises are much more familiar territory to me. But it feels good, too.

Scribble sent me a test to grade and I have to grade it before I can sleep and then I am going to crash on the couch. I thank you all for reading, and I wish you all a good night.

79

I have decided that towels are one of those things that just breed.

80

So do pennies, but not fast enough to you any good.

Hang in there, Strain. I’ve been lurking all along. :slight_smile: