So remember my Missing Coworker? She got paid.

“Not much,” I’m told. But ultimately, not only did she did not suffer the horrible, bowel-encrusting, tooth-melting torture I feel she deserved, she made a profit - however meager - for her fucking insanity.

For those of you who weren’t around a couple of years ago, here’s the nutshell (itemized for your convenience):

a) Butt-crazy coworker pulls a disappearing act on our little office of five, and for days we’re freaked out, calling hospitals and talking to cops, wondering what happened to her.

b) Turned out that she’d gone off and gotten married to some trucker, and was with him on the occasion of her disappearance, and on several other occasions when she told us that she was either undergoing medical treatment or attending an out-of-town work-related event.

c) Coworker is subsequently terminated.

d) Coworker files some sort of discrimination claim with the state, claiming that she put up with years of mistreatment by my boss, due to race and color (the “color” part is important, because part of her claim is that even though she was not the only black person in the office, the other black person (Yours Truly) was light-skinned, and therefore treated fairly whereas she was not). This is complete and utter pungent, runny, fly-specked, corn-flecked BULL-FUCKING-SHIT.

e) I am called by an investigator from the state. I give him an earful (he did not know, for example, about her disappearance; she’d told him a completely different story), and later on learn that the claim has been dropped.

f) A year or so passes, and then I find out that she has (literally) made a federal case out of the whole thing now, and that there will be a jury trial. I am called to be a witness for the defense. The trial is set for June of 2006.

g) A few days before the trial is to begin, it gets punted back to September 2006.

h) A few days before the September trial is to begin, it gets punted back to November 2006.

i) A few days before the November trial is to begin, the Plaintiff’s attorneys file a motion to punt it back to January, 2007. I am informed that, barring a settlement, the trial will absolutely, positively, totally fer shure begin on January 29, 2007. I start panicking and planning my outfit.

j) Today I learn that Crazy Ex-Coworker has dropped the suit. That would be a good thing, except

k) In order to eliminate the risk of this shit happening again, the insurance company for my former employer is willing to pay her off a little. So she still gets money out of it. Also,

l) I learn from my former boss (who was privy to info on the depositions given by the witnesses for the Plaintiff) that she had a couple of friends willing to purjure the hell out of themselves on her behalf. Of course, at least one of these friends would have ended up having her ass handed to her by the Defense attorney over her lies, and wouldn’t that have been fun?

m) And, on an unrelated note, my former boss also told me that at one point when we were both working there, she came screaming to my boss and telling him that she’d seen her trucker boyfriend’s big rig parked at my house the night before, and demanded that he FIRE ME. When he refused (on the grounds that he didn’t believe her and that even if he did, what business is it of his if I want to boink her trucker?), she stopped speaking to him for a couple of days. NUUUUUUUT BALL!

n) And finally, does all of this mean that I really should be shoving the quilt she made and gave me for my birthday six years ago into the fireplace? Because I actually really like it.

Ain’t work fun?

Damn. Thanks for the update – I was wondering how that had ever turned out.

I think you should keep the quilt. For one thing, every time you look at it, you can think “I have the best story to tell…”

Keep the quilt, and be glad that she’s out of your life now, even if it means that your life will be a little duller now.

I am glad you told us the rest of this drama. Every now and then I’d wonder.

Yeah, it took awhile, didn’t it? And it’s more of a whimper than a bang, but there you have it. My ex-boss says (by way of offering a “bright side”) that she’ll never get another decent job in her life.

But who knows? Quite frankly, I never woulda thought she’d have (a) gotten as far as a jury trial, and (b) reaped any benefit from it.

I was so ready to see her go down in flames.

But I’m also glad I don’t have to testify. The mere thought of it was making me all twirly.

As for the quilt, maybe you’re right, but I’m so pissed off at her right now that I hate the fact that I like it. It’s actually quite hideous as far as aesthetics go, but it’s the perfect weight for all seasons.

Well, it is NOW, since that fiasco was two jobs ago! (My only complaint about my current job is that they don’t let me putz around on the internet nearly as much as I’d like.)

If it makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside - by the time she got done paying law bills, chances are her meager settlement was insubstantial for her time and effort.

And you got the better story.

Well, I was waiting for the trial to be over so that I’d have plenty of juicy drama to share, but alas . . . I don’t even have that.

Oh, and did I mention that it came out that she never even had cancer? All a fabrication, it turns out! (She even told us at one point that she was having surgery, and my boss and his wife were planning to accompany her to the hospital and bring her back to their house for her recovery; at the last minute, she told them that another friend of hers was going to take her to the hospital, and then she showed up at work the next day, claiming to have fled the hospital after learning that they had her scheduled for the WRONG surgery (an appendectomy, I believe), and of course now she could never trust them, so no way was she going back).

The irony is that my boss DID battle cancer a couple of years ago. :frowning:

Thanks for finishing up your story! It was what originally got me hooked on the Dope.

Perhaps she had Munchausen’s Syndrome?

Oh, and as for the quilt, look at it this way, auntie em-the quilt you love so much is payback for all the shit she put you through-you deserve something.

Really? Wow. Really? Because I’ve never said it, but I’ve always thought you were totally groovy. (I like how much you like your wife. :slight_smile: )

So that means I totally rock. :cool:

Or, wait - does it mean my nutty-ass ex-coworker totally rocks? :o

Then can I sue her for pain and suffering?

I suppose it could be Munchausen’s, but she had Elmer so convinced that he thought he could smell the cancer on her. :eek:

Well, that depends.

Was her husband good in the sack or not?


Maybe not, but I see half way marketable self-help book/infomercial possibilities here. Who knows, it could be an Oprah pick. Couldja have her people call my people?

…er, I don’t have any people. I don’t have a phone, either. Don’t call.

You could give the quilt to a homeless shelter. Who knows? She might wind up sleeping under it some day.

Thanks for the finale to this drama! I’ve wondered about it off and on.

Nice to have the saga finished. It was such a fun ride!

The miscreant’s name wasn’t Omarosa by any chance, was it?

And I’m wondering the same thing as Bryan Ekers, sorta. You never really said whether the truck actually was outside your home. :wink:

I hope your boss was okay.

I’ve thought of you and your nutty co-worker when I’ve seen your other posts. I’m glad that she went down in flames, but as an insurance adjuster, it really ticks me off when the companies pay “something to make it all go away”. I know the logic and reasoning, and it’s sound, but nutballs like this know how to work the system so that they keep making a profit no matter how crazy they get and the rest of us schmoes just keep paying more premiums.

Ok, I’m off my soapbox now. Em, I too am glad that you didn’t have to testify. I’ve only done it once and it’s not fun.

Thanks so much for the final chapter; this one has been riveting since the get-go. It is hugely aggravating that low life scum can work the system and get paid for it. Still if nothing else, having you there to report the story has provided compelling entertainment for all of us readers. We thank you for that.
I still want to cast the movie…