So... road rage, anyone?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Yeah. Road rage. We all get pissed off at the other assholes on the road. Sometimes, we fight back. Got any stories?

I was going down 69 south one time, somewhat above the speed limit, when this Thunderbird zooms right up behind me, tailgating the fuck out of my car.

I let it go for a while, seeing as how it’s pretty traffic-y, but even after it clears up, this guy is still on my ass. So I stab the brakes, just to light up the lamps, so he’ll back off. He slows for a second, then zooms right back up behind me even closer. So I stab my brakes harder, and he falls back again. There’s no one around except for a car a mile or so ahead, so I pull over into the right lane to let him go by.

Does he? No. He stays going the same speed I was, when I was in the fast lane. Why are you riding my ass if we’re going the same speed, monkey-fart?

I pull back in front of him to go around the car that we’ve approached, and stay there, because there’s a delivery truck a few hundred yards ahead of us. Suddenly, this dick-for-a-brain punches it, and zooms around on the right side, nearly clipping a delivery truck as he cuts me off. I don’t really mind, I’m easy. Then, he goes slower than I was going in the first place. Why? He’s an asshole.

So when we’re past the delivery truck, I pull back into the right lane, and regain my original speed. At the last second, he cuts over, no blinker, still going slower than I ever was, nearly rubbing my front end.

Now, I’m pissed. So I punch it, zip around his shit bucket, and slide in in front of him, and slow down. Waaaay down. There’s another car coming up, so I slide out and match speeds with the other car. Which is an old lady. Very very slow. I can practically feel his forehead vein bulging by now, but fuck, it’s his fault. I was letting everything slide but he had to be an asshole. So I take a mile or three to finally go around this lady, and the whole time he’s falling behind and running right back up again on my bumper, chomping at the bit.

As soon as I get past the lady, I pull over to let him by. He slips by, and gives me the finger, and his skank in the passenger seat yells something. I laugh, and punch it, and slide back in front of him again, and do the slow-passing thing on the next car, then get back over, and let him by again. Finger, yelling. I laugh again. Pathetic bastards.

The road’s clear now, and he gets right behind me and starts tailgating me. I stomp the brakes, and he slides back. Tailgate, stomp brakes. Finally, he goes around me (left side) and speeds up to break away. I punch it and match speed. He’s trying to race, now. So I pull ahead (easily), just to show him who’s the bitch. He sloooowly pulls back on me, and starts tailgating me, again. Stomp brakes, back up, tailgate. Repeat.

Finally, I get tired of this penis muncher tailgating me, so my friend who’s with me, Jon, grabs a cup of fake milkshake he was drinking, and holds it out the window, like he’s going to arch it up onto their car. They back off, and stay off. A few minutes later, he slowly creeps back up on me, and starts to go by. I’ve had enough of this bung-hole poser’s macho bullshit, so I let him go.

As he goes by, his ho leans halfway out the window screaming something, and he slowly rotates his giant body toward me, face beet red, neck bulging, eyes bulging, fat little finger raised, screaming something, obsceneties, probably. He’s wearing a neck brace and back support.

Hmmm… wonder how he got that? Being a reckless, careless dickhole, maybe?

–Tim

2

I never get angry enough to fuck with anyone else on the road. And I’m surrounding by dickheads everywhere I go. The worst I ever do is show them that the gigantic Ford Expedition I drive can usually accelerate faster than their dinky lil’ sports cars (which, usually, happen to have crappy music pounding with the bass turned all the way up).

Speaking of too-loud music… did I mention that this self-same Expedition has a great stereo system? (My dad pulled out all the stops when he got my mom a car). Well, one time, at a really long light (one of those lights that stay red for three or four minutes), this girl pulls up in… I’m not kidding… a pink convertible. She’s listening to… I’m not kidding… Britney Spears (Hit Me Baby One More Time, or whatever that song is) rather loudly, with the top down. What do I do? I roll down the windows, cue up CD number 5 on the changer, switch to track 4, and turn up the volume… and Ride of the Valkyries starts playing. Then the light goes green, and I’m across the intersection before she even hits the brakes (but since I was in an SUV, I burned three inches off the ozone layer by doing that :D).

But as for playing tit-for-tat with other drivers… well… don’t wanna be that dumb in such a big, bulky car.

3

Looks like it takes two bung-hole posers to do the macho bullshit tango.

4

I don’t think that the roads are really a good place to play games like this.

I’ve been having anxiety attacks ever since my car accident, and it’s all I can do to force myself to drive wherever I have to go. The thought that people are playing “Who’s got a bigger penis” on the road makes me just want to stay at home, and let natural selection take its place.

5

Homer- the part about the neckbrace was classic. I reccomend getting a sunroof. You can spit loogies out of them. If you arc them -just- right, you can watch the tailgater simultaneously back off, put on the wipers, and the windshield washer. It’s cool.

Cool it on the adrenalin/testosterone thing though.

Spoofie- Ride of the valkyries! perfect…

6

The most obnoxious thing I ever did with a tailgater was to shake up a soda -a whole lot- (the soda was about 130 degrees farenheight) and to open it at arms length out of the drivers window at 50 miles an hour. That guy was pissed! It was pretty stupid though, you never know what/who you’ll meet on the roads of NJ.

7

Gee, I can’t wait until one of you is responsible for killing some innocent driver. Won’t that be fun?!

8

Gosh, such a display of intelligence and wisdom. Who knows who you could have killed proving who was more macho? Maybe it’s the moron with the higher kill rate of innocent civilians who have to dodge this bullshit?

9

I don’t know what it is about men but we seem to get 100 times more agitated and touchy when we’re let onto the road. Anyway, I remember I was once the victim of a road rage attack, although attack wasn’t really the right word for it. What happened was me and a friend of mine were driving to another friends house (he was driving) and my friend, I suppose he must have done * something * wrong, offended this guy in a small fiat tipo. The next thing we knew he’d forced us to stop and had got out of his car and started screaming at us. We just laughed in his face, we couldn’t help it. He was such a funny little guy. He was very thing to the point of being emaciated and he couldn’t have been taller than 5 foot, he had wispy red hair and a thick ginger beard and huge jug ears, I mean he was the weirdest person we’d ever seen and he was screaming and yelling and waving his hands in the air and little flecks of spit were flying out of his mouth like machine gun bullets. He just looked so silly , and to top it all off we couldn’t make out a word he was saying and this seemed to anger him more until he sort of shouted himself out and had to stop to catch his breath. Then he started shouting again. I swear I have never laughed so much in my entire life.

I know this doesn’t have much to do with the OP, it’s just a funny little anecdote I thought I’d share. Hope you liked it:)