So tell me about Portland, OR

My girlfriend and I are both of the opinion that we need to get out of LA. We feel this way for several reasons. To me Los Angeles is home (born and raised then went to UCLA for college). I have lived other places briefly, but have always found my way back to LA after a little while. But the fact that it is home is starting to become a bit stifling. I feel myself falling into a rut, and as an artist (I work in theater) I need to give myself the push that moving to another city brings. My girlfriend just has a kind of wanderlust, she has never lived in the same city for more than 4 years, and now has been in LA for 5. It is time for us to move on.

We had been thinking about San Francisco, she has family there and we both love the city, but we think it would just be too expensive. So we had started to think about Portland (we want to stay in an urban area on the west coast). I know we have some dopers from the NW, so what should I know about Portland? I know it is supposed to have a burgeoning art scene, what is the theater scene like? What is the job market like generally? I have never planned a move to another city without having a reason to go to that city before, so I am not even totally sure what I should be considering. I like cool rainy weather, so that is a plus I suppose.

We plan to take a road trip up there over labor day to check the city out a bit, what should we take a look at as perspective future residents (cool neighborhoods etc)

Tell me about Portland.

It sucks. Don’t move here. More people mean more cars and more cars would be bad. There is also a rabid badger problem. They’re everywhere. And bird flu. All the birds here have the flu. Oh,. and let’s not forget the volcano in the middle of downtown. Lava everywhere. It’s a mess. And the bugs here are the size of SUV’s. Getting bit by a hourse fly means you may lose an arm. Plus, it rains like 4 inches a day. Everything is all wet and soggy. Let’s not forget the city has a ban on,. um,. food. Yeah, that’s it. It is against the law to own food in this town. Everyone is forced to eat dirt.

It is a crappy place Portland. You’d be wise to avoid it at all costs.

Interesting, so you would say that I should avoid the vacation there over labor day also…so as to avoid the man eating horesflies and active volcano?

And after the rabid badgers eat all the dirt, the poplace has to eat organic tofu.

Terrible place, just terrible. Really. Very expensive, too. You just wouldn’t believe. And the taxes, oy!

Jobs? Fuggedaboutit. Unemployment is rampant here. There’s a severe housing shortage, too. You might have to live in your car. Which is just as well, because you won’t be able to afford to drive it - licensing fees, insurance, gasoline (including gas tax) - all outrageous.

And boring, too. Nothing to do but watch TV. And the people here - talk about freaks! Did you know we have the highest per capita consumption of psych meds dispensed to a general population in the nation? Also, there are currently three serial killers on the loose right now!

If I were you, I’d stay in L. A. You’ll thank me.

How was that, guys?

How was that, guys?


Nicely done.

There’s not a decent bookstore within a hundred miles.

And only Budweiser to drink. Oh, and frozen fishsticks for dinner on Kwanzaa.

Oh, yeah. Nor any good restaurants, of course, because of that “no food” thing.
By the way, you did know that we’re all unemployed lumberjacks out here, and we have no indoor plumbing? Right?

Be sure & tell all your friends.

There are no movie theaters, but if there were, you certainly couldn’t drink beer in them. The local music scene consists of men banging on rocks. We’re also very closed-minded and hate people, except Californian transplants.

Am I doing this right?

Well, I’da left off that bit about Californians if I were you, pal.

Oh dude, don’t even think about it! The pollution is incredible, smog so thick you have to cut little cubes of air with special clippers and shove them up your nostrils, which you pretty much have to have Teflon lined within three months of moving here or else they’ll rot out and your nose falls off–Tycho Brahe would feel right at home here with all the false silver noses everyone wears.

And you’ve heard of Dutch Elm Blight, right? Well, we have blight that affects ALL kinds of trees, so there aren’t any left–yup, not a tree for miles and miles, just blasted rock and scruffy twisted grass.

It’s impossible to grow any kind of good vegetation here so all the local vegetables and fruit are stunted, except for the gross tumors all over them, and they taste horrible, flat and mealy.

Every other house has an active meth lab in it (don’t believe me? Check out the Oregonian–they’ll give you the straight shit on that) and they blow up pretty much daily, raining deadly chemicals all over the landscape. This has caused the local raccoons to mutate weirdly and now they carry guns and chew people’s ankles right off if they catch you–and they’re wicked fast.

The average IQ of Portlanders is about 46, just smart enough to drive a car straight into the first other car they see, which can be tricky as the constant rain makes gigantic sinkholes in every patch of asphalt ODOT lays down–fortunately, they only try to repair the roads once every six years or so.

And don’t forget Sasquatch–please, don’t make me tell you about it, but also just don’t forget it… trust me on this one!

I’d run away in a heartbeat, but the press gangs still operate and I, like millions of others who’ve tried to get away, would be shanghai’d into sex slavery in Thailand–and not the good kind of sex either, just endless bottomry and degradation. They only go after people with Oregon plates heading south–I’d try to hijack a Californian’s car to get out but no such luck–the acid rain dissolves them pretty fast and you’re left with just a puddle. Oregon cars are coated with a special substance that keeps them from dissolving, but it also fluoresces under the right kind of light so it’s just no good grabbing the license plates off an out of state car–the press gangs carry special lamps to catch renegade Oregonians trying this trick…

I’ve heard Seattle is very nice, though–why don’t you check out the lovely Emerald City?

Actually, Portland’s reputation as a liberal, livable city is based mostly on a brief and uncharacteristic interregnum that happened during the early stages of the IT boom in the late '90s, before the traffic and rent got out of control. For most of the Rose City’s history, yes, the hills may have been green, but the necks were red, the laws blue, and the shirts plaid. Yes, they did manage to get up a World’s Fair in 1905, but they themed it around Lewis and Clark. How lame is THAT?!

I’ve never lived in Portland, but I’ve driven through it many times. First impression? Hot. L.A. hot in the summer. Didn’t like it. Also the entire state of Oregon is Driver’s Purgatory. Speed limits are too low, and people won’t get out of your way. And too many cops. I used to think about moving there, until I drove through it a few times.

Has someone already mentioned that sex is terrible in Portland?

Well, at least the OP can see that there’s no shortage of theatre up here. :wink:

Oh, so NOW all you Portland bastards come out of the woodwork! I got almost nothing in response to my thread in GQ, and now here you are gladhanding all over the place. Fudpuckers.

I’ll add that every suburb of Portland (Gresham, Lake Oswego, Tigard, Oregon City, Beaverton, etc.) also sucks.
They all smell worse than Albany, too.

Nothing smells worse than Albany.

I’m leaving Portland on Monday for NYC. You can have my spot for $5. But hurry, it will go fast.