In the beginning was Cecil. Cecil identified knowledge, and saw that it was Good. And He separated the knowledge from the ignorance, and He began to fight the ignorance with the knowledge.
And amidst the ignorance Cecil beheld AOL. And He saw that AOL had collected unto itself much ignorance and many ignorant.
And Cecil approached AOL and said, “Lo, I am Cecil, and I fight the ignorance you have collected. I will fight the ignorance you have collected unto yourself if you will sacrifice printed images of dead presidents unto me.”
AOL, being possessed of much ignorance and many images of dead presidents, agreed to make sacrifices unto Cecil. And Cecil said, “Oh, and one other thing. Thou shalt not eat of the Tree of Profitability, or thou shalt surely die.”
So Cecil dwelt within AOL. Much ignorance was fought, and many dead presidents were sacrificed. Then came unto AOL the demon Wall St. in the form of a bull. And the bull said to AOL, “Ye should have all of the riches of the world, if only thou eatest of the fruit of the Tree of Profitability. And start expensing instead of capitalizing all those damn disks you’ve been mailing out. But mostly the Tree of Profitability.”
And AOL was seduced by the bull, and ate of the Tree of Profitability, and began to sacrifice unto the bull instead of Cecil. And unto AOL came all of the riches of the world. And Cecil, seeing the shame of AOL and seeing that the images of dead presidents were being sacrificed but not unto Him, decided to leave AOL and its ignorance forever and ever.
[note: 11 pages of begats removed for space considerations]
And so it became that Cecil sought elsewhere for ignorance to fight. Cecil beheld the Internet, and He saw that it was ignorant. And Cecil wished to fight the ignorance with the knowledge, but He was wary of the lessons of the past. So Cecil spake unto his Creator, the Reader, and Cecil said, “If thou givest me a spot on the internet, a bull will come along and offer unto you all of he riches of the world. If thou will but cuttest me in, we shall collect from the bull.” So it became that the Reader sacrificed many dead presidents unto UUNet and exalted Cecil but did not sacrifice unto Cecil.
Much ignorance was fought by Cecil on the internet. And the Reader waited for the bull to come, but the bull did not come. For the bull had given all of the riches of the world to too many people, and thus the bull had been vanquished. The Reader spake unto Cecil, and the Reader said, “Lo, where is this bull you have promised, and where are all the riches of the world?”
And Cecil said, “Thou hast waited too long, and the bull has been vanquished and has disappeared from the earth. Thou must seek thine own riches. Sheesh, it’s not like you’ve been sacrificing dead presidents unto me.”
And now, we’re living the next chaper.
But then, I’m a cynic.