Some Company Wants $300 to Rewrite My Resume

I’m still looking for work but while perusing my emails, I came across this little gem.

Some company sent a multi-page small print report on why my resume sucks, including these observations:

It does not pass the “thirty second test”.

It’s boring as fuck apparently.

It includes the hideously passe line: “References provided upon request.” “Most employers assume that.” So obviously spotting that one line at the very bottom of my resume will cause most executives to vomit on my resume in disgust.

They then offered to revamp my resume so that executives will “feel compelled” to get in touch with me. Perhaps they intend to include nude photos of said executives fellating sheep, I don’t know.

And they want 300 dollars to do it.

They want me to give them a week’s worth of unemployment money, or three weeks of grocery money, or a month and a half of medicine money so they can send me a resume that does not include the unspeakable line “References provided upon request”. They promise that this will send hoards of executives into an instinctive mass migration to my email door. They will jam the phone lines, imperilling emergency 911 calls, so greatly will they be compelled to find me, and beg me on their knees to work for them.

Well, maybe this company didn’t promise that, but for 300 of my dwindling dollars, they sure had better.

You should sell your resume fixing abilities to other people for 200 bucks.

“Hordes”. For $300, I’ll take out all the typos that undoubtedly exist in your resume.

Seriously, though, I consider these parasites about as low as those payday or title loan people. OTOH, apparently inflation hasn’t hit the Unnecessary Resume Rewriting industry. One of those assholes wanted to charge me $300 way back in the mid-'80s, when a dollar was still worth at least 50 cents.

I agree. When I began freelance writing long, long ago, a potential client came to me, wanting me to be part of their resume-writing/editing business. These people give copywriting a bad name. They’re almost as bad as eLance participants who charge a fraction of a cent per word to write lengthy articles.

Was it jobfox? They told me my resume was utter shite, too. I mean my last resume, not the updated one with the job I landed with the crappy resume on there.

In fact, it was. I didn’t want to mention that, out of sheer courtesy, but now that I think about it, why the hell not?

They drove me friggin’ nuts. When I was job-hunting (11 months ago), a good number of the ads they had as current openings were for positions that had been filled months previously. Because you have to submit through jobfox, it’s not like your resume ever reaches the intended hiring entity. I think they use that as a lure to get a pool of candidates, then turn around and say, “Ooooh, you’ll never get hired with that piece of crap. Let us help you for the low, low price of…<whatever>.”

I’ll do it for $299.

Seriously, lots of people do really have horrible resumes and could probably use some help. I think $300 is a rip off - and find it almost cruel that they are asking the people who can probably least afford it (unemployed) to fork over the cash.

I am sure there are lots of websites that would be equally as helpful, for free, if someone takes the time to look.

I help my students all the time - many have no clue how to write a good resume. I helped one of my students re-work his and he got three job offers from three attempts!

Granted, he was a great student and had everything employers want, but after the re-write, his resume was gold. I knew they were going to beat down the doors to hire him. Still, prior to re-working his resume, he wasn’t getting many call backs, so it really does help to get your info out there in a presentable form. No guarantee of work, but it can help.

What I like are the ones that offer you a secret document that will guarantee that employers will picture you in the job, and it will get you hired. Not a resume.

Secret Career Document! Revealed! Only $70 if you act RIGHT NOW.

Apparently it’s some kind of action plan–your three-month goal, six-month goal, etc., written down and tailored for the company you’re interviewing. So if your goals coincide with theirs, great. If not, it didn’t work any better than your crappy typo-ridden resume. (I could be wrong. I did not spend the $70.)

What a rip off. I’ll do it for $299.99

For $300, I’ll rewrite your resume and blow you.

Yeah, but what would you do for a Klondike bar?

$250, and I’ll throw in the good 100% cotton paper.

Having been on the other side of the table, I’ll tell you to run a mile from these guys. All you get is a standard format resume which employers notice immediately and wonder if it is worth hiring someone who can’t even write a resume. I had five candidates sent for an IT job from an agency(I was Head of IT in a school back then) - and all, apparently, had “sunny dispositions”. These included one guy who was the most miserable creature I have ever met. Groaned about everything!

If you are worried about your resume, then have it checked by a friend who does some employing - not by creative writers!