Some more thoughts on restaurant tipping

In My Humble Opinion
1

Here’s a web PFA (pic for attention) —

There’s a recent thread in FQ on tipping where @Asuka used a gift card and their tip didn’t register; here ➜ Would a waitress know specifically I didn't tip if I paid at the counter? ■ . This doesn’t belong there so I’ll put it here.

Apologies for the length of my OP. TL;DR — when it’s time to pay the check I’m not impressed by places where when the server brings the check to the table, they are significantly more cordial and polite and jovial than they otherwise were during the entire dining experience. I almost want to tell them, “Oh, now you are attentive! Where was this attentiveness during our meal?” But of course I don’t. I smile outwardly and thank them, but inwardly part of those thoughts creep in.

Recently my wife and I took her parents to dinner at a nice local steak restaurant to celebrate their anniversary. They’ve been married over 50 years. They do so much for my wife’s family, to her and to all of her siblings, and they’ve been very helpful and generous to us too, so we took them to a nice place. When my wife’s siblings are in town the other siblings usually choose not-as-nice places to celebrate their anniversaries, and my wife and I always go along with the suggested restaurant. And it’s fine. But this time her siblings weren’t available so it was just us and we wanted the dinner to be a little more special.

The meal with wine and tip cost almost $200 per person. There were five of us; a nephew (their grandson) was also with us. For us and our usual level of spending, it was a very nice meal and experience.

I may have inadvertently rubbed our server the wrong way because when he sat us and I asked to see the wine list he strongly suggested a bottle of Napa Valley Cabernet that was on sale. Usually $240 a bottle, it was on sale for $180. I politely thanked him for his suggestion and said I’d consider it, but inwardly I was thinking Good Grief! and No Way! That’s a lot of money, and none of us are true wine connoisseurs. But outwardly I was polite, demure, and sincere with my response. But then when I looked at the list of cabs, that bottle was the least expensive. The other cabs started at $250 and quickly climbed from there. At the high end was an $800 bottle. Sheesh!

After a few minutes he returned and I ordered a bottle of Malbec from Argentina that was $60. He again suggested (and again, a strong suggestion) that $180 bottle of cab. And again, I politely declined and thanked him for his suggestion.

I was a little put off that he was pressing this bottle. At the table during these conversations the rest of our party was carrying on with their conversations, and the restaurant want exactly quiet, so the server’s and my discussions about this didn’t really stand out and be noticed. Which is good because it was almost awkward, especially when he suggested that cab repeatedly. In all through two brief conversations about wine choice, he asked 3x if I wanted that cab.

When the server brought the bottle of Malbec, he poured a taste for me and it was fine. But then interestingly, he walked away and never returned to pour the glasses on the table (including mine). That’s when I started to wonder if I’d rubbed him the wrong way.

Our meal was very nice and the food was very good. The setting and ambience were nice, although the place was a little loud for my liking (a pet peeve of mine; I don’t like loud restaurants). And that Malbec from Argentina was quite nice. Plenty nice enough to my palate. However, the service wasn’t that great. Our server wasn’t very attentive and our table hardly saw him. Apparently he took a break or his shift ended about ¾ of the way through our meal because we started seeing another server. But server #1 never introduced server #2. Thankfully server #2 was much more attentive to our table. Not overly so; he simply provided good service.

Anyway, our check was brought by person #3. Someone new. And he was the one who was very polite and cordial. So it’s not fair to judge server #1 against that person #3. But it stood out.

If server #1 remained our server throughout the meal and with his poor service, I was prepared to tip him 5%. But now with server #2 in the scenario, I couldn’t treat him that way.

In the end I tipped 20%. And I was almost a little unhappy for losing the ‘opportunity’ to tip server #1 the 5%. Almost. But often it can be better to simply take the high road.

Tipping. Sometimes the scenarios that determine how much we tip can be a little complex!

2

The restaurant overbought on the cab and the waiter was trying to push it (as well as get a significant tip on it); at a restaurant like this they might handle only 5-6 tables a night and ordering the $60 Malbec reduced his expected tip on the wine by 2/3s so not ordering the expensive wine probably cut into his expected earnings, but not as if that is your problem or your waiter needed to be a performative jerk about it.

Usually a restaurant with a list as expensive as you report will have a sommelier who will be knowledgeable and gracious enough to suggest a wine both appropriate for the meal and matching your tastes (and will pick up on whether you are wine connoisseurs or not), so unless this place was really known for its cellar they were probably marking up their wines even more than normal. Frankly, when dining out with a party I generally either prefer to purchase wine by the glass or bring in a preferred wine and pay the corkage fee instead of paying the 200%+ markup from their cellar unless they have something unique. If the sommelier does a really special job opening and pouring the wine or has a really excellent recommendation for a second bottle or dessert wine I’ll add on a tip for them above and beyond the server.

Stranger

3

I did plan to bring a bottle, but forgot. And yes I guessed that he was trying to push for the higher tip from the more expensive bottle.

4

I am at a stage in my life where I no longer enjoy the experience of going to high-end restaurants. The food and experience are almost never worth the cost, to me. There are two or three exceptions to this that I can remember in my life, and dozens where I left feeling disappointed. I ask myself, how special can a steak be, once you’ve had good steaks a few times? I don’t like being on display, as one is in such places. I don’t enjoy dressing up.

Nevertheless, I always tip generously. This comes from my family history: my father used to routinely bully young and inexperienced wait people, in the family-type restaurants we went to, for such things as failing to fill his coffee cup as full as he liked, or for coming back to check on some part of the order to make sure they got it right. I don’t know how much he actually tipped on these occasions. At some point I made up my mind to behave decently towards wait people, and to tip as well (without ostentation) as I could afford. Maybe I can buy back some of my father’s bad karma, so after he lives out several brief existences as a cockroach, he can come back as a nice constructive dung beetle.

5

I dislike any pointlessly loud environment. My other pet peeve is sporting events where needlessly loud music and announcements are played to create “atmosphere”. I used to mix live music so I am aware of the deleterious effects of loud sound and have for many years used musician’s earplugs. They aren’t designed to block sound out but simply turn it down. I carry a pair of cheap but effective ones on my keychain - Etymotic ER20s. They come with a little case with a chain for that purpose. I have used them in a variety of different places, even in the office when near too many people taking phone calls. Well worth a look for anyone who wants to just turn the world down anywhere at all.

6

The more a waiter tries to push something expensive on me against my wishes, the more I will be inclined to reduce their tip.

7

I have a bit of a hearing impairment, and what I’ve noticed is a lot of restaurants now have decor that lends to a noisy environment. It seems to be trendy to have concrete or wooden floors (rather than carpeted), “open” ceilings without acoustic tiles, large “open concept” dining rooms, etc., ll of which can help to make conversation, music, etc., bounce around in the room, and add to the overall sensation of loudness.

8

For those sort of prices, the server forgetting to pour the wine is ridiculous. Zero tip from me, but then I’m British so that might affect my opinion.

That being said… I’m currently in London on a short break and everywhere (I mean EVERYWHERE) is adding a 12.5% surcharge for service onto the bill, without asking, including lunchtime cafes and places you just wouldn’t tend to tip at in other towns and cities. Not a welcome trend for me! Just charge more on the menu and forget the surcharge, please. Then you can pay the staff properly.

9

Me too.

My daughter and I ate at a little Venezuelan restaurant last night. Bill was $33 and service was excellent. I tipped $15. I don’t follow the “20% rule” when the bill is low; I’m a believer that, the lower the amount of the bill, the higher the tip percentage should be.

10

I wonder if the manager is partly to blame for this?

Sometimes they will offer a commission for certain alcohol products they are trying to hype or get rid of.

11

I think tipping peculiarities and problems would disappear if a standard 18% gratuity was automatically added for restaurant table service. It would be fairer to everyone. If I have a really good server who is a significant factor in my enjoyment of the experience, I’ll tip as much as 25%, and never less than 20%. Then you have people who skimp on gratuities, so I feel I’m carrying some their weight, so to speak.

12

Most definitely. Same here, I’ll go over 20% and sometimes significantly more. You put that well — when a server is a significant contributor to my enjoyment of the experience, I’ve sometimes tipped 40%. And I enjoy doing that.

13

Would that be better or worse than just increasing the prices by 18% (and why)?

14

Maybe the menu should have both prices listed: basic, and price+gratuity+tax. So it’ll be something like:

Club Sandwich: $15.00 ($19.20 total)

15

Australian pays their hospitality staff a living wage and there is no tipping.
Simple as that :kangaroo:

16

Just increasing the prices doesn’t necessarily mean that price increase will go to the employees. Personally, I doubt that it would. By mandating by law the, for the lack of a better word, “surcharge”, the business entity is by law obligated to give that money to its employees.

17

I’ll admit I might be overly empathetic, but I tend to give servers the benefit of the doubt. Even if the service is below par, I’ll leave at least a 15% tip. If the service is above average—or downright stellar—I bump it up to 20% or more.

When a restaurant’s busy and the staff look frantic, I don’t blame them for the occasional slip-up or slow service. If a server seems sad, I imagine all sorts of reasons—maybe they’re battling depression, maybe they lost a pet, or maybe their mother-in-law just arrived and is driving them nuts. In those cases, I’m not about to stiff them. I do draw the line at straight-up rudeness or outright laziness, though, and I’ll reduce my tip if necessary.

I’m a believer that a minimum gratuity (say 18%) should be baked right into menu prices. Then, on the bill, there could be a note: “We don’t expect tips—they’re included in our prices—but if we knocked your socks off, feel free to leave more.” That setup would cut down on the chronic low- or no-tippers (they really shouldn’t be dining out anyway), but still allow great servers to rake in a little extra.

The main hurdle with built-in tips is that it can make menu prices look higher than restaurants without them. Too many folks just see the numbers and can’t make the cognitive leap and realize that “price plus built-in tip” is the same as “price plus tip on top.” So, as far as I’m concerned, the best solution is a law that requires a minimum tip—clearly publicly announced—built into the bill and split fairly between the front and back of the house (owners and salaried managers excluded). It’s fair, it’s straightforward, and everybody wins.

It won’t affect me much, as I rarely eat out anymore. I’ve sharpened my cooking skills to the point of rivaling those of a typical greasy-spoon chef—and I’m a cheapskate.

18

This is where I come in to say that why should one waiter get a 20% tip on a $200 meal versus a waiter in a different restaurant only getting 20% on a $30 meal (yes, I do know some of the more expensive places have less turn-over because people are there longer). I HATE tipping culture. Pay people a fair wage and do away with tipping. You know what I loved about our recent trip to Japan (well, one of many things)?

19

Same here. My mother waited tables when she was younger and inculcated in me the importance of tipping. Even if the waitstaff does a bad job, I usually tip them at least 15%. I have only refused to tip a handful of times, like maybe 2-3 times in the last 30 years, and that was because the staff was egregiously bad.

20

My parents lived for a while in Abingdon, Virginia in the only wet county for hundreds of miles around. The only restaurant with a liquor license is the Martha Washington Inn so that’s where they’d eat, liking a martini before dinner.

One time they were in a waitress’ section, they put in their meal orders and, of course, two martinis. After the drinks hadn’t arrived in fifteen minutes Dad got up and asked the bartender what was going on. “Oh, you’ve got [name]. She doesn’t relay bar orders.” He got the martinis, tipped him, didn’t tip her, and repeated that every time they were served by her.