Coax a plane to do everything you want, just never ask it to do something it was not designed to do.
If it doesn’t hover, it just sucks and blows.
What’s the difference between a pilot and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a pilot.
Well, if you’re telling jokes…
How can you tell if there’s a pilot at your party?
He’ll tell you.
How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
One. The pilot grips the bulb, and the world revolves around him.
You can tell a pilot. But you can’t tell him much.
I would like to die in my sleep like my father did, not in screaming terror, like his passengers
You know you´re flying a Cessna when you have a bird strike and it is from behind
I hate to wake up and find my co-pilot asleep
How do you know if a pilot is at your party? He’ll tell you
A fool & his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.
The natural habitat of a Harrier is underwater. 
It looks as if you may be right: Link
My standard parachute briefing:
Today we will be flying with parachutes. The glider is made to be comfortable with parachutes on, and as I like to be comfortable, I will be wearing one. Since I’m the pilot, and I’m wearing one, you probably want to wear one too.
<instructs passenger in fastening and adjusting straps>
Now if during our flight, you hear me say “GET OUT OF THE AIRPLANE!” and you say “what?” you need to realize that you will be talking to an empty cockpit.
Now look closely at these parchute fasteners. Now look closely at your seatbelt fasteners. To get out of the airplane, you need to release the later, and leave the former alone.
To open your parachute, you LOOK at this here D-shaped handle, take hold with both hands, and extend both arms if front of you, no do not practice it now.
If you choose not to look, and accidently grab onto this strap next to the D-handle, you will probably find yourself pulling on that strap for the rest of your life.
The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands.
Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five
minutes earlier.
Non-pilot: Isn’t flying little airplanes scary?
Pilot: Not if you do it right.