To the public:
Rule #1: If you call and ask outright for your caseworker’s direct-dial phone number, do NOT immediately tell me, when I start to recite it to you, “Hold on, let me get a pencil” and then wander your house for three days on a trek to find writing implements. You called expressly to find out your worker’s phone number. Preparation is key.
Rule #2: If your husband is in the middle of a screaming argument with the “no-good ho of a sister” that you are allowing to live with you, do not call the DPW and ask to talk to her caseworker “because you’re kickin’ her out on the street, the no-good ho”. Call the police. Her caseworker is quite effective at navigating the often twisted terrain of applying for state assistance. She is not so effective at throwing her client out of your home.
Rule #3: Please do not expect me, the switchboard operator, to get up from my station and go searching the building for the piece of mail you dropped off for your worker two days ago and which said worker tells you she never received. I can transfer you to the mail room. I can transfer you to the supervisor-on-duty. I cannot abandon my post to personally go looking for something that I have only your word actually was ever in the building.
Rule #4: Please do not immediately launch into your entire life story and all the tragic things that have befallen and are about to befall you. I have no influence whatsoever on any decisions made by anyone else in this office. I am but a lowly peon, and my opinion and views count for infinitesimally little when it comes to how hard a caseworker will fight for your benefits. All that you telling me about your dropped uterus and hydrocephalic poodle and one-legged mama will do is make me feel very badly that I can’t help you. Kindly keep your guilt trip to yourself. Thank you.
To the caseworkers/supervisors:
Rule #1: ANSWER YER FREAKIN’ PHONES! About half of the calls I take start out with “I’ve been trying to call Mr. X for the last four days. Nobody ever answers and there’s no voicemail. I’m gonna lose my benefits if I don’t talk to him!” And you know what I can do to comfort/help these people? Zilch. Zip. Nada. Nil. I can’t do anything more than try to transfer them yet another time to a phone that rings and rings and rings and rings and…well, you get the idea. As a matter of fact, you invented the idea. Because it’s YOUR PHONE! Answer the damn thing!
Rule #2: Do not get snippy with me when I transfer someone through to you when you’re with a client. Did you happen to notice that I’m seated in the reception area? The reception area that has exactly zero views of even the closest workers’ area? I have no idea where you are or who you have at your desk. All I can do is blindly connect callers to the people they want to talk to. If you want me to also verify that the worker in question is free to speak to the caller, you’ll have to a) pay me more, and b) devise some method by which I can ascertain the worker’s busy/free status. Otherwise, see Caseworker/Supervisor Rule #1.
Every single day when I’m on switchboard… sigh