http://www.reuters.com/news_article.jhtml?type=humannews&StoryID=1185452”]Passenger removed for joking
http://www.reuters.com/news_article.jhtml?type=politicsnews&StoryID=1187790"]House approves guns-for-pilots
Captain John McClane, his steely eyes slightly rheumy from the previous night’s triple shots of bourbon, turned a world weary gaze to his instrument panel as his Co-pilot remarked “Looks like the boarding’s almost complete, sir.”
As McClane was forming a suitably sarcastic comeback, a sharp banging noise came from the passenger cabin, slightly muffled from the series of partially closed steel partitions leading to the aircraft’s cockpit.
“Sounded like a gunshot!” McClane growled, as he jerked his .45 from the shoulder rig and shrugged to check the .38 duct-taped between his shoulder blades. “I’m going in— Johnny,” he barked to the Navigator, “You come with me. Tony, you stay here; we may need to get airborne in a hurry.”
As the younger man fumbled with his standard airline issue pump-action shotgun, McClane took the lead, snaking his way through the security barriers while humorously redirecting the carelessly pointed barrel of his companion’s weapon.
“Now remember,” he whispered, “terrorists respond to firm, decisive actions. Don’t let ‘em see you stop to think about anything.”
The young man nodded nervously.
McClane burst out into the cabin, Johnny close behind him. Diving over the first row of seats in the center aisle, McClane roughly shouldered passenger 1C to the side as he took two handed aim at the swarthy figure being held in a headlock by his chief Flight Attendant.
“What’s the situation, Mary?” rasped the wild-eyed Captain.
“I fired a warning shot when she joked about the engine maintenance,” replied the shapely 40-something. “But then she said something about botulism in the food, and I had to take action sir!”
McClane relaxed his ready stance and shook his head in disgust.
“Dammit, Mary, remember your training! Johnny, go show her how to apply a choke hold properly.”
As the Navigator rushed over to assist, McClane stooped down to look the terrified and struggling matron in the eye.
“Hey! Flight safety is no laughing matter!”
As the seasoned veteran turned to go back to the cockpit, he glimpsed movement along the port aisle coming from coach. He snapped his weapon back away from the holster he’d almost replaced it into, thinking “What now?”
The coach Steward forced his way around a covered bundle being dragged to the boarding door by baggage handlers. As the group neared him, McClane could see a pair of loafer clad feet sticking out of the bundle. He raised an eyebrow at the Steward.
“Tore a page right out of the Sky Mall magazine, sir.”
McClane sighed heavily as the tearful chief Attendant wondered “When will they learn, Captain? When will they learn?”
As he turned wearily away, McClane muttered “Never, Mary. They never will…”