While Betty White would be the throw-away answer for this a few years ago, I actually would like to see what Jessica Walter (Lucille Bluth) could do with it, even though it’s supposed to be voiced by a younger woman.
Seriously, I would love to see someone do a Glengarry Glen Ross style dramatization of this letter. Not just a reading, but a whole scene in a sorority house.
Pobrecito.
Hey!
Anyway, this shit? All’s I’m sayin’ is, criminy am I ever glad I stayed the hell away from the sororities. Yes, she’s clearly a very clever and witty person, and she’s crafted a fine piece of bitchery here. Kudos for that. But even more alarming than the idea of ever having to interact with her in person is the actual content of the email. I mean, she’s yelling at them for wanting to have fun with people that they like - such as, say, friends, family, and boyfriends - rather than with the johns from the “matchup” fraternity. They’re not even supposed to be talking to each other. Their sole function is apparently to be perky, friendly cheerleaders for the sorority, just bouncing along through the forced jollity with no lives or interests of their own. My friends who were in sororities have tried to tell me it’s not like that, it’s really about friendship and fun and community service and blah blah blah. But apparently not. It seems it actually is about becoming a freaky Stepford girl.
Your friends are telling the truth.
“The women I enlist as my friends must do their community service as my wingwomen so I can have fun with the frat brothers OR BITCHES GONNA GET CUNTPUNTED!!!”
Holland Taylor. Can’t get enough of Evelyn “Red” Harper. Emma Stone.
I think she should have honorary membership as a SDMB BBQ Pit poster.
Meryl Streep could do it and have us all crying and swearing we’d go be better sorority girls at tonight’s Sigma Nu event.
“Cunt punt” is my new favorite…thing.
At my school the Delta Gammas were really sweet. This foul-mouthed sailor sounds like a Tri-Delt.
#getoffmylawn
Same here. Wildcat per chance?
I wish there were a few like her around when* I* was in college. 
Agreed -** Cunt Punt **is a great term. It’s now at the top of my lexicon.
Lest you think she thought of it herself, be aware that this is not a new term by any stretch. I’m guessing at least 10 years old.
Somebody send her an invite. She’s bound to have more time on her hands now and will need an oulet. We can spank her for the racist nonsense after we all get acquainted.
Look, people, you got the letter writer all wrong. She’s the voice of reality speaking. College is not for learning, it’s for making connections, hooking up, getting to know people who are in the one percent or as close as you can get, and if possible, marrying them, so you won’t be stuck with those freaking LOSERS in the 90 percent. The letter writer is trying to HELP her poor fucking sorority sisters. The cunt punting they get from her today will be as NOTHING compared to the lifetime cunt punting they will get if they do not learn to be good Stepford wives to the sociopathic CEOs of the future!
Considering that she prefers men who are “Asian but not too Asian,” she and I might get along fabulously.
99 percent. Geez, your mth sklz be wicked louzer.
I’m tempted to nominate Jane Lynch to read it, but that might be typecasting. Or maybe Roseanne Barr/Arnold, except that I can’t stand her voice. Let’s go with Reese Witherspoon.
I prefer Reese without her spoon.
I’m thinking of the SNL sketch with (the late) Phil Hartman impersonating (the late) Charlton Heston doing the voice for the audio book of Madonna’s “Sex”.
That would be Renée Zellweger. But she’s much too nice to pull this one off.