Spanking: abuse or not?

Great Debates
1

First, I just want to say: Yes, I know this has been addressed before here at the SDMB (heck, it is rare to find topics that DON’T fall into that category), but because of this article on CNN’s webpage I decided to bring the question back up.

I, personally, believe the concept of spanking is NOT abuse. However, some parents unfortunately take things too far sometimes, and you end up with a child in the ER.

I think there are guidelines which parents should go by, if they plan on using spanking as a form of punishment:

**1)**Punish the behavior, NOT the behaver. Make sure the child knows WHY they’re getting a spanking.
**2)**Make sure the punishment isn’t too harsh for the behavior. I don’t think you should spank a child that accidentally spills his/her cup of milk anymore than I think you should give a life sentence in jail to a person who stole a candy bar.
**3)**DO NOT spank the child if you are angry at them. (Refer back to #1) Try to wait until you are calmed down, and can handle the situation correctly.

What’s everyone elses views on this subject? Who considers it child abuse regardless of anything?

LilShieste

2

If it leaves bruises, welts, breaks the skin, breaks bones, or otherwise causes damage, then it is beating and the parent should be charged with assault. - A proper spanking can give “the impression” of being hurt, without actually hurting.

It should be used only in rare situations, where the child has done something serious and cannot be made to understand.

I child who accidentally spills her milk shouldn’t be punished at all. An “Oops”, and a “please try to be more careful”, should be sufficient.

3

I agree with you 100%, Neptune.

And about the spilled milk-- I wasn’t meaning to come across as saying the child should be punished, because I don’t think it calls for punishment, either. (Last night I spilled some water in my kitchen… it’s something you never grow out of).

LilShieste

4

What Neptune said.

In my house, it goes in cycles, sooner or later, counting to three doesn’t work, then the corner isn’t working any more, if they’re still acting up, pushing limits just to push, or tantruming (is that a word?), they get a swat on the buttocks. Biting gets a tap on the mouth, as does spitting. Sooner or later, they are back to only needing the threat of a spanking and I can go back to counting again.

It’s when a parent vigorously spanks for every little infraction of what they think should be rules that it becomes a problem.

5

Well, I’m not a parent so I can’t speak with any kind of authority on this issue, but I do know some parents who raised their two children without ever raising a hand against them, and both kids turned out fine. So spanking isn’t always necessary for raising well-behaved kids.

I don’t consider spanking to be “abuse” in the same league as smacking your kid upside the head with a two-by-four, but I don’t like the idea of using physical pain and humiliation as a teaching tool, especially if it isn’t necessary. So I’d definitely try to avoid spanking if I ever became a parent.

6

From** LilShieste**'s linked article (bolding mine):

For me, that is the crux of the matter, spanking is an option among many others - to be used in a considered, rational manner. Using it as the first resort will only lead to trouble, as the last resort, it can be an effective.

As the NSPCC advert here in the UK says: “What will you do when a smack stops working?”

Grim (NYAP - not yet a parent)

7

Why arent I allowed to smack adults? Plenty of them deserve it.

8

I have no cites for the below. All answers are based on my personal experiences both as a parent and as a child, and on my obervations of other parents and children. I assure you, I have given a great deal of thought to the subject over the years.

The key, as LilShieste pointed out, is punishing the behavior. As a parent, you’re trying to indtroduce the concept of negative consequencens for certain actions. Pain and humiliation, as grimpixie calls spankings, are certainly negative consequences. But, all punishments are humiliating in some way or another to a child, in my opinion. Similarly, all punishments cause pain of one kind or another, be it physical or emotional. If, for example, you take away the childs favorite toy, it’s emotionally painful. If you make them stand in the corner, it’s humiliating. The two are necessary to effective punishment, but must be carefully moderated.

Punishment itself should be tempered with reason, as the child becomes old enough to understand reason. Punishment (be it a smack or a timeout) should never be doled out without first discussing the reasoning behind it. The children learn that, not only do their actions have consequences, but why those they have those consequences.

I think parents who think before they smack are (generally) not being abusive. The parent who hits their child in anger, however, is worrying.

Grimpixie:

A smack is not the top a punishment scale. It depends on the child, the situation, etc. My children would much rather get a smack than sent to bed early, for example. Plus, as children get older, physical pain is generally less effective and creates hostility between the child and the parent, which is certainly not the goal. As the child matures, older forms of punishment are retired and different strategies employed. Instead of a smack, now there’s no more Nintendo.

And finally, the key to making any punishment most effective as a teaching aid is love. If the only time you pay attention to a child is to punish him, you are doing a disservice to your child.

For me, the key is watching their behavior with others. My children are happy, they enjoy my company and the company of others, they seem well adjusted, they play nicely with others, they’re pretty sure of themselves, etc. So, I think I’m doing a pretty good job. I’ve seen other children who are sullen, generally unhappy, liking making other kids cry, etc; and I’ve seen the way their fathers behave with them. I tend to think those parents are not doing such a good job.

But, we only find out in the long run.

The short answer to the OP: A spanking, in and of itself, is not abusive. However, like so many other things, it all depends on circumstances. YMMV.

9

Well, I wouldn’t take away children from their parents for spanking, unless it crossed the line (as neptune prescribed) into beating.

But…I do think you can raise your child without it. Granted, I am not a parent, and I know children can be really difficult. But doesn’t spanking reinforce the notion that violence is the answer? Do you want your child to grow up thinking that that is the way to keep people in line?

My aunt is a Buddhist, and thus she never spanked any of her children. She was creative in her punishment. And, from what I saw of her child-rearing, when her children were sentenced to a ‘time-out’ or any other non-violent punishment, they took it very seriously.

Raising a child is time consuming and frustrating. That doesn’t mean that one should take the easy way out and resort to the easiest (and I think least beneficial) form of punishment- which is spanking.

I was punished physically a couple of times as a child (nothing that would be considered abuse or anything- the belt or more frequently the threat of the belt and whatnot). That did not deter me from my mischeiviousness, it only made me work harder at hiding it. What did finally deter me from my bad behavior was learning compassion, and the fact that all of my actions have consequences.

which, I think, comes around full circle, and is something parents should keep in mind. your actions have consequences.

colin

10

I’ll just weigh in with my opinion that any time a force multiplier (paddle, hair brush, belt, etc.) is used, I see it as abuse.

11

In my opinion its wrong to use physical punishment on anyone, children included. However I know that children can be little sods and cant guarantee that I will never smack them. But if I do it will be because I have failed to keep calm, jnot because it as justified.

And the idea of “non-angry spanking” gives me the creeps. If youve calmed down then you can think of another way to punish them. Id rather my kids see violence as a bad thing (good people sometimes do by mistake) than as legitimate.

12

I agree that spanking is a last resort.

However, children who have not yet developed critical thinking skills are not always open to logical discourse on the evils of biting one’s siblings when angry.
I hate to say it but there are (happily few) extreme cases when you have to make sure you get through to them in a manner that makes a lasting impression.

I have had to spank my daughter only twice in 5 years and both times I was nearly brought to tears myself in having to do it. My wife couldn’t even bring herself to actually spank our daughter so I get to be the lucky one.

13

My post yesterday got eaten, so I’m trying again!

I agree with Rysdad on the force multiplier issue. Jesus, I had a friend in junior high school who mom still hit her with a big wooden spoon, and that sucked. Mom was a real free swinger, too.

I have spanked my oldest son several times. No, I didn’t want to, nor did I enjoy it. But there are times when a two year old simply isn’t responding to your words and an attention-getter is required. And that’s all it is- I’ve never hit him hard enough to leave a mark. In fact, he got a spank just this morning for throwing chairs in the family room near the big TV. Mommy asked him not to do it several times, explaining that they would be taken away if he did it again, etc. I won’t bore you with the gory details, but eventually, the spank became necessary.

I hope I wouldn’t ever hit an older child, but I have a friend who slapped her 16 year old daughter’s face when she leaned into mom and called her a fucking bitch. I suppose I might have done the same, I don’t know.

14

Am I the only hypocrite on the SDMB?

I believe in moderate spanking as an option for reasonable parents. I have never spanked my children.

I am not even sure what would have been an appropriate situation to use spanking. All I know is that it never came up.

And they are turning out to be good, obedient children. (Also beautiful, charming, interesting, intelligent, artistic and highly motivated - ask their grandma).

Of course, I once made my daughter cry for half an hour by frowning and telling her I was disappointed in her behavior.

Does any of this make me more qualified, or less qualified, on the subject of spanking? No idea.

Now that they are getting as big as I am, it is too late. Now I am reduced to threats of making their lives miserable by calling them daily from the nursing home to complain.

It works.

Regards,
Shodan