Special place in hell on the dildo bike:

The BBQ Pit
1

Thanks to you for leaving your rental house, next to my home, in total shit-hole mode. Because you hated the landlord so much. You fucked him over by leaving a mess. So cute. After years of putting up with his shit, because you dealt drugs, you finally had enough.

You also left your cat. Of six years. Simon. A sweet, neutered male, left to fend for himself for the last month. Did you think your slum-lord, land-lord, would take care of him? Christ, he wouldn’t fix your damn front door; why in the world would you think he’d give a flying fuck at a rolling donut about your cat?

You didn’t. You knew he’d cart him off to the pound. Or crush him with his boot; like I caught him trying to do. You didn’t have the balls to take care of Simon yourself. After six years of this cat loving YOU, you don’t have the heart to destroy him or find him a good home. You just leave him. Like a piece of fucking garbage.

I took him in tonight. He was so wary, so afraid, but he remembered my voice. And I had food. Poor baby, so damn thin; I’ve never felt a cat so thin–his bones damn near made a mark on my hands.

I don’t know what to do with him. Lord knows, my big marshmallow heart? I’ll take him in. Make my other cats get along with him. I’ve done it before, I guess I can do it again. Because I actually CARE.

But I hate you for what you did. You cold, unfeeling…oh, really, I can’t think of an expletive that encompasses all you are. I want to string together a blast of obscenities but it wouldn’t describe you. And you know what really kills me? You don’t care! I could call you every nasty name in the world and you’d just go about your nasty, worthless lives. Sucking crack and selling it to kids.

You just walk away and everyone else picks up the pieces. I hope hell has a big, huge, seat-ripped-out-with-a-huge-DILDO-in-its-place bike. And I hope you ride it. For all eternity. I hope the DILDO has sand encrusted on it. And your butthole is rubbed raw. And when you finally fall off, a bunch of cats come up and rip out your eyeballs. And eat them while you lie there, unable to do a damn thing. Would serve you right.

And frankly, I don’t think there is a person in the world who would hope any different for you.

2

Why does Hell get the dildo bike? The Damned have all the fun…

3

Miller: you want a sand-encrusted dildo bike? Wow. It took balls to come out and admit you’re that hard up for fun. Have you tried LA? I hear there are people there who would gladly ram an entire fence post up your ass. Hell, I’d do it myself if I knew where you were.

P.S. In the future? Try really hard to post something relevant. Being cute with me, in the Pit, will get you nothing but pain. But I guess you like that idea.

4

Jesus, excuse me for bumping your thread.

I wasn’t try to be “cute” with you, I was just riffing off the title of your thread. Calm down, take a couple of deep breaths, and realize that I didn’t mean my first post as any sort of an attack on you. I’m not sure why you took it as such, but I apologize for somehow giving that impression.

5

Hey, I love cats too and despise the people who mistreat and abandon them, but don’t be a dick. I thought his comment was kinda funny.

Oh, I’m sorry, doesn’t this meet the relevance standard? Excuse the HECK outta me.

6

Lighten up, Biz
Nobody took exception to your rant, and you must have forgotten to check “only allow posts I deem worthy” prior to hitting “submit.” I suppose you have a huge dildo of pain warming in the sand for me as well now, but somehow I think I’ll muddle through.

Give the kitty a scratch behind the ear for me, and remember, decaf can normally be found in the orange pot.

7

Add me to this strangest of pile-ons.

Byzantine, your OP made me think very highly of you indeed. But sheesh, Miller was just cracking a funny, and I for one got a laugh out of it. I’d hate to see what you’d do if anyone was actually rude to you.

I get the dildo with the nails in it, I assume. Can I have a Hello Kitty one?

8

Good on you, Byz. If there’s one thing the world doesn’t need more of, it’s unwanted cats (or dogs, for that matter). Glad you’ve decided to take him in. I did the same myself a few years ago (sadly, she ran away after the obligatory vet visit, and I never saw her again :().

Give him a couple of egg yolks. Does wonders for the coat and the under-the-skin-tone. :slight_smile:

9

“Yeah, it hurts but it’s still better than dealing with the airlines.”

10

Druggies have only one priority.

11

Crap, I was going to say that the “dildo bike” could be marketable, but now I’m scared. :wink:

You did a great thing by taking in the cat. I wish more people could be so caring. :slight_smile:

12

I thought of that South Park episode too, when I saw the title.

Byzantine you did a good thing saving the cat. But going after Miller was dumb- he was just having a spot of fun- not even at your expense.

Anyway- pat the kitty for me.

13

Oooh, yeah baby, I like rough trade! :smiley: I wonder which color hanky one wears for fenceposts?

And yeah, abandoning a pet is just beyond contemotible, but at least simon found a new home with you instead of starving.

And the landlord was trying to KILL the cat? He should only get cancer twice.

14

This one

15

I though my parents bought me the bike with the banana seat because they liked me. Dang.

16

What you did for the cat was cool. :cool:

What you did to Miller was a bit over the top. Chill out. :rolleyes:

17

Whoa-calm down.

I commend you completely for taking the cat in. When our neighbors moved (well, they lost their mortgage, the shithead druggies), they left their cats behind, and we started feeding them. Then, we secretly took them to the place where we got our cats-a horse ranch where this woman takes in cats as foster animals. She literally has about 70+ cats.

And then they were adopted quite quickly.

18

Miller, I’m dying over here. Thank you.

I’m glad there are people like Byzantine in the world who, despite the fact that they’ve already got pets of their own, will step up and take care of another one when they find one in need.

19

Byz

Pick up the fucking phone and call me, bitch.

20

Oh you can call me bitch too if you wanna.