Okay, I get that you vehicle is a high-priced, precision machine, and it’s very difficult keeping at the high rate of speed (30 motherfrakkin km/h) expected of you whilst juggling your double double, blackberry, bagel, satellite radio controls and watching your progress on your tomtom.
I get it. You are a fucking douchenozzle, but I get it.
But - you DO NOT NEED TO COME TO A FUCKING COMPLETE AND TOTAL STOP AT EVERY MOTHER FRAKKING SPEED BUMP.
Again, precision machine, costs well over $100,000, which IMO, is too much for a commuter vehicle, but hey, that’s your perogative. You don’t want to damage all the little precision crafted parts a baubles and crap in your vehilce.
Except.
It is a MOTHER FUCKING LAND ROVER!
I refer you to the Ontario Highway act, R.S.O. 1990, c. H.8, s. 191.0.2:
(1) “No person shall drive a vehicle expressly built for off-road purposes on a smooth, easily travelled roadway like a fucking wuss-ball”
(2) “Every person who contravenes subsection (1) is guilty of an offence and on conviction is liable to getting every gadget affecting their progress shoved up their asshole sideways repeatedly, then shall trade in said vehicle for a Toyota Echo with a speed limiter set at 60 km/h and forced to drive in 2nd gear at all times.”
Strong pacing, excellent use of fake statutes, judicious use of swearing. You only lost points for the use of “mother frakking”, which just doesn’t fit the tone, and for your placement of “Assmunch”, which appears to be a sign-off rather than a parting shot. If your name is Assmuch, you get a nine and a half.
6/10. Use of the hackneyed term “douchenozzle,” plus all the stuff RNATB mentioned.
But the biggest offense is failure to recognize that speed bumps are not for slowing down or stopping, but for speeding up. How else do you give the suspension on a Land Rover a workout? Og knows the yuppies won’t actually take the damned things off road.
Well, I come to a virtual stop at speed bumps. But then again, I’m solidly middle class - I don’t own an elitist $100k Land Rover. I just became middle class enough to by a used 2007 Mustang (the lowly V6 version, not the boss GT) and I’ll be fucked if I’m going to pay for new struts every time I drive past a school.
While I don’t come to a full stop at speed bumps, and don’t particularly coddle my car, I see the choice as this:
a) proceed at a speed where you feel the bump, or
b) slow down enough so that you don’t.
IMHO, most speed bumps are poorly designed: IME, it feels roughly the same to go over them at any speed above about 8-10 mph. So there’s no point, AFAIAC, in slowing down for a speed bump unless I’m going to get down to 5-7 mph, which is pretty damned slow. Hell, it’s a bit slower than I’ll do at a 4-way stop sign where nobody else is coming from either side. So it’ll feel like I’m coming to a full stop, if you’re on my tail.
Chillax, man. Unless you are a paramedic or a police officer hurrying to drop a birthday card off, there is no rush on the roads. Remember this mantra:- Life is not a race.
Your being stopped for an extra few seconds is not going to cause the world, or even yourself, any great hardship.
3/10 and a recommendation of anger management classes for at least a month.
A man of your impatience should not really be in charge of a motorised vehicle.
Coming to a complete stop unnecessarily 8 times is not only frustrating, it wastes fuel and causes your brakes to wear faster. Sure, it’s not going to make a noticeable difference one time, but maybe he gets stuck behind this douche every day.
That’s why you’re supposed to go 30 km/h (18mph) on this stretch…
As to those who think I belong off the roads, I vented in the pit rather than out there - no worries, usually veeeery level-headed. Was more frustrated by seeing all the crap going on in the other vehicle other than driving than the repetitive stopping at aforementioned speed humps.
[J. Cleese]No no no no no no no! You’ve got it all wrong![/J. Cleese]
They are called speed bumps, speeeeeeed bumps. They are not called slowing down bumps, are they…well, are they? So, what do you do when you come to a speeeed bump? Why you speeeeeed up, of course!
The real question is, did ThePylon make the urgent meeting/surgery/fire/birth he was obviously rushing to that couldn’t take what probably amounted to 15 seconds of extra time.