Splash - like Wipeout, but on purpose and scored

Cafe Society
1

ABC,

Well, looks like America is about to be treated to another wacky hijinks-filled competition reality TV project.

I’ll admit, I haven’t been excited about this genre in ages (my favorite right now is Hell’s Kitchen, which says a lot), but I actually think this one has potential. It seems to have the right elements: basic concept easy to understand, doesn’t take itself too seriously, contestants who are trying hard, potential for lots of humor, contests themselves are fast paced, and skill, to at least a minor extent, matters. As long as you don’t cram it floor-to-ceiling with Wipeout-style clown effects and treacly, glurgy “stories”, it should be entertaining.

There’s just one thing I’m asking, though.

I noticed that there are going to be at least two, possibly three, stunningly beautiful women in bikinis. One’s a Playboy model, and the other…something similar, I’m not judging.

I am also sorely aware that this show, like every other competition reality show ever, is going to follow the eternal everlasting ironclad invincible alpha and omega supreme flying spaghetti monster anuddah-wun-bite-da-dus format, which is apparently the only thing any of you remember about Survivor. (I’m not going to call it “last man standing” anymore, as that’s an insult to a legitimate format that does not freaking reset everyone after every freaking round.) No one ever does it any other way*. For crying out loud, Gordon Ramsey owns Hell’s Kitchen and he’s completely beholden to this format. This means, among other things, that anyone can go at any time. There’s no grace period, no safety net; slip up once or don’t win the judges’ graces, bang, gone.

Please, please, pleasepleasepleaseplease, for the love of the Supreme Saucerian, don’t let the beautiful women get knocked out early.

Let at least one of them hang around for a while, preferably two.

Do whatever it takes. Shoot, you pull that nonsense all the time with Dancing With The Stars what with all the danceoffs and team challenges and 500-point giveaways, there’s no reason you can’t do the same here.

Think I’m being shallow? Well, guess what, so’s a big chunk of your audience, and they are not interested in some basketball geezer learning how to conquer his fears. Look, this is freaking reality TV, not college admissions. If you want to convince me to watch a show with various people in skimpy outfits, you’d better make damn sure that at least some of them are hot, and that they won’t get bounced by the third week due to improper posture or overrotation or some other dinky technical crap I couldn’t give a hamster’s posterior about.

“But what if they’re no good and don’t deserve to win?” you ask. Then don’t let them win. In a contest where second place is the best loser, you have a lot of leeway. Hell, look at Elise Wims. She vexed, she taunted, she strutted, and she royally cheesed off a lot of people and lasted way, way longer than she should…but didn’t win. And therefore got just as much as the marginally more deserving contestants she outlasted. How about Stacy Kiebler, the white-hot seductress who still didn’t deserve the trophy? She went the distance and didn’t get the trophy. You know how to do this! It’s not hard!

Don’t worry a feminist backlash. Any feminist who actually deserves that title knows to pick her fights. Besides, how much heat does “objectification” actually get, anyway? I remember the reaction to Who Wants To Marry a Multimillionaire and Temptation Island: there was a few weeks of harrumphing, a couple of minor scandals broke out, and a month later everyone ran out of damns to give and moved on to the next foolishness. We’re well aware that sex sells, and we’ve either made peace with it or learned to change the channel.

Please. For once, do the stupid, obvious thing.

And so help me, if that 400-pound joke takes it all, it is so over.

  • DKW
  • Seriously…it’s been thirteen years and not one show has tried something else? Not a single one? I tell you what, the first show that does something different, whatever the hell it’s about, not only an I watching every episode of every season, I’m buying the merchandise, and they can name their price!
2

I wanted to find a thread because my wife and I watched it. I couldn’t believe how bad it was.

Really!? You can only manage to show FIVE DIVES in a ONE HOUR show!? Really!? So HALF the contestants get a bye this week? You can’t figure out how to stuff TEN freaking dives into an HOUR?

Really!? You have two judges, neither of whom can find anything real to say about anything!?

Really!? You have audience voting, but the audience apparently can’t manage to change the judges’ decisions at all? Well, that’s actually easy to see - the judges scored things anywhere from 5 to 8 - the audience probably massed toward the middle of everything. So whoever designed the show is stupid (redundant, I know).

This won’t make it to the end. It’ll be the rare cancelled-in-midseason reality show, with the final episodes shown online.

3

Don’t be so sure.

I believe the Dutch created the program and had some success with it.

We had a version over here in the UK that was critically panned but became a ratings success (don’t ask me how).

Now you have it and are gaping in wonderment at the sheer awfulness of it. You are correct to do so but that will not stop it being a hit. What is that old adage about not never going broke by underestimating the intelligence of the American public? Of course that goes for the worldwide public in general.

4

We just need to bring back Battle of the Network Stars and be done with it.

5

It would move faster if they gave the audience shotguns. First dive is fire-free. After that the audience votes by firing at the divers they don’t like. You could make it more humane by filling the shells with rock salt instead of shot, and have a sitting-duck rule.

I’d pay to watch that show!

6

Ironic that they are describing Louie Anderson as a “comedy legend” when that statement likely generates more laughs than he ever did.

7

Hell, yeh! Have every network send their top three, divide them into ten teams via random selection, and the last team standing has to do some wacky version of a pentahlon to pick a single winner.

8

ESPN would have to be handicapped in some way. So would FoxSports, if we allowed derivatives.

9

They didn’t even judge how the divers entered the water. Going in vertically with minimal splash is a big deal in diving. Olympics coverage always has a slo mo camera to show them entering the water.

This show used a wide shot. Even then I could tell the divers had terrible form. Kareem hit the water with his chest and knees. Almost a belly flop. ouch!

10

At this point in their training, Louganis is probably happy that every is actually hitting the water. The only one who looked like she had any form at all was eliminated (Keshia - who apparently has had Rudy Huxtable sized implants).

They’re obviously grading on a curve (USA Today said Kareem won “because he’s 7’2”, 65 and willing to give it a go - and who can argue with that?") - and I’m OK with that.

11

Hey! It’s coming to Australia! Woo Hoo!

‘Stars’ include - 2-3 models who just happen to look great in bikinis (that’s OK), 2-3 ex-sportsmen, several ‘TV presenters’ - who do nothing except ‘present’ some TV programs (at least one of whom is publicly gay), some popular/controversial figures from previous reality shows co-incidentally on the same network…

So not like the US version at all. And I can’t wait - watching it will be good preparation for my colon operation later this year.

And what is it about the Dutch - they seem to invent all these crap Reality Shows?

12

If they do get a second season, I hope Darryl Hannah is on it.

13

SNL (the original show, in the late 70’s) did a parody promo for "Network Battle of the T’s and A’s. I looked for a link but they’re pretty good at keeping all of the good stuff off of the net, apparently.

The OP compared it to Wipeout, but it’s more like Dancing With the Stars – All confessionals, practice video clips, and judging (except the dives don’t last nearly as long as the dances). What makes Wipeout work is that it’s all competition, from the intro to the finale.

It seems like perfect DVR fodder, as you can record the whole thing and watch the entire competition during one commercial break on some later show…

14

Starlets without enhancements in wet, nylon tank suits battling the cold wind of Southern California. Truly great TV.

15

So to recap:

  • HALF the field gets to do one dive before the knives get pulled out. (Aside from the issue of why a show like this needs anuddah-wun-bite-da-dus in the effin’ first place, but that’s another thread. One I’m going to make in a few minutes.)
  • The dives look really, really bad, which is what happens when an amateur is allowed only one attempt. Which would be fine if it was played for laughs (like the Australian version of Hole in the Wall), but we don’t even get that much.
  • There is no consistency in the dive heights or what goes into the dives.
  • There is no criteria in how the dives are scored. Degree of difficulty? What’s that?
  • The judges are two random yahoos with zero credentials who have to make their pronouncements in full sight and hearing of a reality TV peanut gallery, plus they score each dive in turn (meaning the ones who go first are absolutely screwed no matter what).
  • The peanut gallery has a say in who goes.

And naturally, the attractive dark-skinned woman is the first to go.

Despite at least two others doing worse.

Screw this.

jrekpka - It’s actually worse than DWTS (which, trust me, I never thought I’d be saying). At least everyone gets to do at least one whole routine, and after a couple rounds it becomes clear who the favorites are. Diving, which happens so quickly and where even a small slipup can lead to disaster…you can’t judge from just one. Can’t.

16

I’m going to take a bold stand here and say that this is, unequivocally, the stupidest show in the history of TV.

I have been watching TV for over half a century, and I have seen a lot of stupid shows – and, in fact, there are a couple of stupid shows that I watch more or less regularly – but this really is just beyond redemption stupid.

And yet I keep watching it – mostly because I’m waiting for the DWTS results show while finishing a weekly task for a client that I can’t start till 7 and usually takes me about two hours. Splash does provide a decent background of “I can’t believe how fucking stupid this is” as I’m doing said task.

Kendra Wilkinson, you worthless attention whore – if you’re afraid of heights, why did you sign up for a show that involves your jumping off high platforms?

17

I’m only watching this for Katherine Webb and Kareem

18

God help me I saw another episode.

My wife had it on, and I was surfing the net, but I did see it. And I am filled with shame.

A 10 for a dive. Really. Perfect 10. For a dive that anybody could see was amateur. “10” - written on your chest. Just in case someone wanted to defend your choice to score a 10, you make it obvious that you were pre-set to give a 10 out tonight before the dive happened.

I actually thought Kendra was playing up the sympathy for better scores, but I guess she was telling the truth about her fear of heights.

19

I didn’t see it last night, but I did see the first one, and I have a feeling “10” is not “perfect” - they include an arbitrary degree of difficulty factor. Otherwise, explain how somebody who pretty much bellyflopped (which, in competition, would have scored an automatic zero) scored higher than someone whose only real problem was that she did a handstand dive but didn’t pause in the handstand (and again, in competition, that does rate a serious deduction).

20

I know.
VH1 “celeb-reality” programs are better than that was. It is, by far, the worst thing I’ve seen on broadcast tv in a very, very long while. It was badly designed and horribly paced.
I watch “Dancing with the Stars” and have watched “Battle of the Blades” (hockey players and ice skaters do pairs skating - it’s like the reality show version of “The Cutting Edge”) I watch olympic diving. I’m dead in the target audience. I would totally watch a good version of this show. This is not the good version. This isn’t even the slightly cheesy version. This is awful on every level. I couldn’t get through this twice.