My partner’s mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer last year. He ended up quitting his job to take care of her full time. She passed away several months later and now her kids are squabbling over the insurance money.
Everyone is demanding an equal share and they’re starting to have arguments over insane stuff like “oh you took out $X to pay for Y and that should come out of your share.” We are not talking about a crazy amount of money here, and none of the siblings is unusually desperate for cash.
I am, of course, biased here but I think my partner is completely entitled to pay himself for the loss of income during the last few months. He took care of his mom completely without any support from the sibs, running all errands and paying all bills. He’s thankfully employed again but it’s not at the same level he was previously.
Is there any way to deal with this that isn’t going to destroy relationships? The whole situation is depressing.
I’m guessing she left no will? Who is the executor of the estate? The only way I see to minimize hurt feelings is to give everyone an equal share. Your partner gets screwed in that deal, but he has the lifelong satisfaction of knowing he made his mom feel as comfortable as possible at the end. Trying to divvy it up proportionally based on unclear criteria is going to lead to resentment as every sibling is going to think they got screwed in the deal.
Also, without a will, the executor may be limited on how unequal the distribution can be. The law may say that the estate is split equally between the siblings, so giving someone more than someone else could be illegal.
To answer your question “Is there any way to deal with this that isn’t going to destroy relationships?” There is a high chance the answer is “No.”
When my mother died she literally had nothing of any real value (other than sentimental value); we (2 brothers and a sister) had a cooling off period of six months to decided what to do with her stuff; which consisted of a few pieces of furniture, a set of silverware, a couple of family bibles, and an old framed picture of my grandfather. I made a list of everything that we might want to discuss as a group to where its final destination might be. Half the things on the list, my brother said “Oh, I already have that, mom said she didn’t want it anymore and gave it me.” :rolleyes:
I rarely talk to him now. As far as I’m concerned he either outright lied to us and took those things; or he took advantage of my mother who was in a nursing home her last few years. Either way, f em!
Regarding your problem specifically; you won’t like my answer. I’m in the group that would say the only fair thing to do is to pay final expenses and split what’s left. Unless he had an agreement ahead of time with the sibs to get a bigger piece of the pie; then it’s on him that he quit his job.
Who was the designated beneficiary on the life insurance policy? IANAL but shouldn’t that person get all of it (or as much as he/she is designated to receive,) and then whatever amount he/she “feels” like sharing is entirely up to him or her?
I realize you are probably not asking a legal question but rather a personal one - as for the destroyed relationships - sorry, it’s too late. If it’s already at the point where siblings are squabbling angrily with each other over what is a “fair share” - it’s too late. It’s already past the point of amicable resolution.
If there is no designated beneficiary - or if it is “all of my kids,” then does it say “all of my kids equally?” Regardless, I agree that, morally speaking, your partner should have the lion’s share of the money due to his supporting his mom.
This is the million-dollar (sometimes literally) question. Life insurance is not a probate issue. The money goes directly to the named beneficiary or beneficiaries on the policy. Nobody else has any claim to that money.
Unless the named beneficiary is the mom’s estate. Then the money goes to the estate and is distributed according to the will or your friendly local intestacy procedure.
Does he have copies of her bills and receipts that he paid? He might be able to submit them to an estate and get reimbursed, or say he expects to be paid back for them out of the insurance money.
IMO, tho, your partner is offbase in thinking his efforts should be compensated. Presumably, he did what he did because he thought it was the right thing to do, not because he expected to be compensated. If he assumes a position other than “split it evenly” (dependant on named beneficiaries), he is as bad as anyone else grubbing for more than an equal share.
Does your partner think he is entitled to more, or is that just your idea?
Why exactly do you think that he is “entitled” (your word) to any compensation for the implications of his personal choices? Think of any similar situation where a parent dies. One sibling lives in the same town, and visits the parent regularly. The other sibling lives far off, and never visits or even calls. Will/insurance names both equally. Under what principle do you believe the in-town kid is entitled to more?
Could possibly be different if he were acting as power-of-attorney or guardian or something. But if he was simply doing what he thought was right as a loving son, he would (IMO) be belying that by seeking compensation later.
I’m going to agree that if he wanted/needed compensation that should have been arranged before hand. He just needs reminding he did what he did, because of who he fundamentally is, and would have done the same with no available compensation. Kudos to him for being a decent person.
People are at their worst when they lose a loved one. Parents should leave clear instructions, and tell everyone in advance, so there are no surprises. Alas, they too are just human, and often don’t.
It is such a shame to see a family blow apart over NOT life changing money, no one in dire straights etc. How silly, I’m sure the parent would be appalled.
I’ve known more than one family who were torn apart when a parent dies. My own family, for one. My uncle was the life insurance beneficiary. My mom’s name was on the house (originally all the kids were – about 5 years before my grandma died they all took their name off because she had to get a home equity loan to pay for a new septic system and they didn’t want the debt). So because my mom got the house, her siblings were pissed off and my uncle refused to pay for the funeral (which is all the life insurance was for – it was only about $4000).
13 years later my mom and aunt still don’t talk to my uncles. I don’t think it was about the money really. A lot of deeper issues just got brought to the surface in a stressful time. For example, my religious uncles teamed up against my fairly irreligious aunt and mom. My grandma was not religious at all and had significant mental health issues, but once she died my uncles started thinking of her as a saint who loved Jesus and did no wrong.
Anyway, I don’t have any answers, but I recognize how shitty the situation is and I’m sorry your family is going through all that. I hope it doesn’t turn out this way, but brace yourself for the possibility that it doesn’t ever get better and this dysfunctional family dynamic is the new normal.
I should’ve been more clear… my partner did not ask for any compensation for taking care of his mom. He split all of the the money left in her estate evenly. But then the siblings came back and said that what he divvied up wasn’t “fair” because $$ had been taken out while she was still alive to pay for certain things. So now that he’s being attacked by his siblings, his reaction is “look, i took care of all of this while you guys did absolutely nothing, so take your money and STFU.” but there is still squabbling.
And for the record, he is both the executor and the sole beneficiary for the bulk of the estate, so he isn’t required to give anyone anything. he did what he thought was the right thing and is getting nothing but heartache out of it.
The estate and the life insurance policy are two different things. The LI policy pays to the beneficiary, period. The estate pays out according to the deceased’s will or your state’s intestacy rules.
If your partner received the money from the LI policy, then s/he has no obligation to share it with anyone and the proceeds are not considered part of the “estate”. (Unless, of course, the estate is the beneficiary, in which case will/intestacy rules apply).
Really, it depends on how much your partner wants to tell the others to STFU and stand their ground.
When my mom died, I was the executor on her estate. Her will specified everything be divided equally, except for her house. But insurance policies were handled separately; because she put my brother’s name first on one of them, he got it all.
That doesn’t matter. The estate is what it is at death. (Right? Doper lawyers please correct me…)
If money was taken out of her estate *after *death for certain things, there could be a complaint, but as long as she was still alive, the estate was in flux, if you will. If she was still alive, but $100,000 was taken out of a million-dollar estate to pay for her medical bills, and *then *she died, then that $900,000 remaining is what gets divvied among the siblings. Not some fictional “$1 million before the bills were paid” sum - that figure doesn’t exist anymore.
When my great-aunt died, my father (the only member of the family who kept in touch with her) was named as the executor of her will. She was very poor and literally had less than $100 worth of possessions.
After the funeral various relatives spent a lot of time arguing with my father about why they should inherit this petty stuff.
