“Good morning”, Tom said woodenly.
Am I doing this right?
Well, that would work, but I thought they traded him to Boston for the final years of his career.
What do I lnow?
A more correct (though obvious) approach might be, “‘I think it’s made of pine,’ said Tom woodenly.” The adverb has some kind of punning relationship to what Tom says, and is not merely ironic or inappropriate.
“Pass me those potato chips,” said Tom crisply.
“These leaves are everywhere,” said Tom rakishly.
Am I whooshing you, or are you whooshing me?
Good question. 
“The wedding is off”, she announced unceremoniously.
“My wood is gone! It’s all gone!” Tom pined.
“Take the prisoner downstairs,” Tom said condescendingly.
“I hate yardwork,” Tom hedged.
“It’s like a Middle Eastern market!” Tom declared, bizarrely.
“Hey, the lights have gone!” Tom exclaimed, delightedly.
That’s a Wellerism. Tom Swifites are to Wellerisms as squares are to rectangles.
“Hey, it’s dark in here!” Tom exclaimed, delightedly.
There, much better.
“I’ve lost all sensation in my arm!” said Tom unnervingly.
“Maybe we should ask my mother’s sisters?” said Tom, askance.
“The burglars got away with all my Viagra!” Tom raged impotently.
“We have nothing in common”, Tom said orthogonally.
s/impotently/flaccidly/g 
"I don’t like performing oral sex " Tom mouthed off.
"I just don’t like being around other guys " Tom mentioned.
“How cartoonish,” Tom said animatedly.
“I’ve got explosives up my rectum!” Tom said bombastically.
“Found it”, Tom said turgidly.
“This is a booster shot,” Tom injected.
“That guy punched me so hard he dented my forehead!” said Tom, impressed.