Surely, you jest.
Ivy sez “Get yer butt up!” She wants to drive Me to the town down the way. Seems a big ol’store who over-priced itself to death was finally giving up the ghost.
Oh my! 60% off.
Well, I drag myself up from my comfy spot and reluctantly agree.
Off we go. Not fast. Nope. Ivy is the pokiest of the slow driver. As people were zooming past her, I caution her folks drive faster on the highway. She’s not really moved to press harder on the pedal. Just, shrugged at me.
And says, “Who has never had an accident, who has never hit a deer, who has never recieved a speeding ticket? Tell me, who?”
Yeah. I shut my trap. Can’t argue with her. I promptly fake a nap.
We get there. Parking lot is full. It seems this “sale” is for real.
I got a jolt of shopping endorphins. That was pleasant.
We NEED nothing. But still, a bargain is a bargain.
Got in, procured a buggy(shopping cart)
People everywhere. Was there no place to be socially distant to other shoppers? I was getting the feeling I needed to run.
Escape the pot of germs and grossiness of others. I need a corner. A cubicle. A high ladder(scratch that, not sure my phobias will allow).
Ivy says, “Calm your silly self, look for bargains”
I innocently ask, what exactly, are you needing? She swung around and did that whisper shriek thing, “Don’t know, just look, good grief”
O-----kay.
I saw candles and went over to sniff my troubles away. Found one “grannys cherry pie” Perfect! Carried it to the buggy. Ivy is throwing towels and hand towels in the buggy. I try to quietly ask her why do you need a buggy full of towels? Oops.
I hobbled down the aisle and see tops for $3 each. I get as close as I can without touching someone and grabbed a pink top. Oooh. Lil’wrekker would like this.
I go back to Ivy. Throw the top in the buggy, hmmm, no towels. I say nothing. I believe, smartly.
Ivy’s face is red. I ain’t gonna irk her no-more.
I look at kitchen ware. Pots and pans can be a good bargain if you need them. We always need them.
But, but…the real joke has surfaced. And its on us innocent folks looking for bargains. A price cut that means something.
But…nooooooooo. It ain’t 60% off, this far into the belly of the big box beast. Oh no. You fool shoppers. This part of the greatest most fantastic sale ever is "up to" 60%. Everything I looked at was 10% off. The stuff with the orange sticker was non-existant or a stupid pack of cat food lids. They were 30c, but they were a size I’ve never seen a cat food can be. Think the large Alpo can. I guess if you had 23 cats you’d buy thet big of a can. I got to thinkkng in that inopportune time “I wonder if Cat shelters can buy big cans, maybe they need lids, I could buy a few for them. Oh, beck, you dingbat, they would definitely empty every can they opened. Hmmm. I need some big cans, think I’ll call them to save me skme. They make good scoops and cute deck lanterns…” oh sorry, I went on a tangent. This is how my mind works.
By the time I was again aware of my surroundings, Ivy was pulling me toward shoes.
She was saying, in that sing-song follow-Mommy-sweetheart voice, “You like shoes, lets go see what they have”
Oh my, I must’ve been on a real trip to goofy town.
We get out of the store. Seems I bought a sickly sweet candle, and a shirt that will never fit my daughter.
I had to ride home smelling the yuk candle, with the gut-wrenching anticipation of the the Lil’wrekkers face as she tries to like the ill-fitting top. Slowly, ride home.
I promptly fake a nap. 
ETA…Ivy says I’m a Stick-in-the-mud, what the heck is that anyway?
