I hate cookies. I allow them on my computer only when they are essential for the functionality of sites I deem acceptable (say, Amazon, or a certain Dope-ariffic site). Everything else gets blocked. I don’t trust cookies in general, and I grumble at sites when they cookie me for the apparent hell of it. And they all fucking do.
But it’s easy enough to click “apply my decision to all cookies from this web site” and “block cookie.” Done. Annoying, but once per site, or maybe twice if they’ve got a separate ad host or something.
Except that there’s a new trend: sites that don’t work for no reason if you don’t let them cookie you.
Like, say, the Walgreen’s pharmacy locator. There’s absolutely no reason the site needs to have a cookie on my computer for me to be able to enter a zip code on one screen and get a list of locations on the next. No reason at all. But if you block the cookie, the store search doesn’t work.
Hey Walgreen’s. Fuck you. That’s right, Fuck You, until your I/O port is bloody and raw.
But they’re not the worst.
Have you been to epicurious.com? Good recipe reference, good site. Except that if you block cookies, you get a horserimming pop-up warning on every sphinctersucking page asking you to “please enable cookies.”
Why? Why the shitsucking fuck would I want to do that? What possible incentive can you offer that would make me wish to do such a thing?
Bing. “Please enable cookies.” Bing. “Please enable cookies.”
This doesn’t make me want to enable cookies, you arrogant cockwaffle. You want to know what it does make me want to do?
Imagine I’m being followed around the mall by a heavy-breathing troglodyte with a squirt gun. “Give me a quarter. [squirt] Give me a quarter. [squirt]” That wouldn’t make me want to give him a quarter; it would make me want to rip a pay phone off the wall and use it to beat him into blueberry jam.
And your cloacalicking pop-up makes me want to digitize myself, whisk through Tronland to your offices, rematerialize in front of your web designer, and inject yak pee into his tongue with a large-gauge syringe.
Turn the fucking thing right the fuck off, you fucking fuckhole. There’s no fucking reason for it. No fucking reason at all.
Fuck.
