Do you know how fucking bad I want some hash browns? Do you even care that I get severely worried every time I think the Waffle House is concerned over the failed bailout? What am I going to do if the waffle house goes under, because those underperforming monkeys in Washington and New York can’t get their shit together?
Listen, press, I don’t have high hopes for you. New Media ripped off the filter that let you say “you know what, this is unimportant bullshit.” I get that. I don’t expect much anymore. When you show me moron hikers stranded in a blizzard, I don’t get angry. I just change the channel to comedy central, the real source of news. So don’t say that my pathetic cries for journalistic integrity are outdated and arcane.
But it’s patently clear to any fool with a stomach that the Waffle House is in every way the superior House. It’s superior to the House of Burgesses, the Pancake House, the International House of Pancakes, the House of Representatives, Take It To the House, House M.D., Mark Houser, Brick House, and House Music.
Now spell out the whole thing and stop reminding me that I can only afford a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when there’s delicious hash browns just down the fucking street.