Straight Dope Horror Movie Game II: The Return

“Why the heck is is so dark?” Dr. Magill wondered after the roof door shut behind him in the stairwell. He knew that he ought to kick the habit, but he’d been smoking since he was sixteen, and with the stress of medical school going right into his residency, it was never the right time. “Next year,” he told himself… again.

The power must be out. Maus remembered his drill. Head to the lobby, let Lumpy add you to his roll, and then help out where needed. He headed down the stairs toward the ground floor. Man, it was dark. Why weren’t the emergency lights on? Well, that was the one good thing about being one of the last few smokers, you always had a light.

Maus pulled out his Zippo and lit it.

As ExTank drove down the road towards his meeting with Evil Incarnate, something nagged at him; Something Was Not Right. Whatever it was, it lurked in the back of his mind like a teenage punk hanging around the entrance to a shopping mall at closing time, refusing to meet your eye even as it refused to go away. And then it hit him.

“GRENADES!” He yelled, and slammed on the brakes, sliding to a halt on the shoulder of the road. He scrabbled frantically on the floor of the front seat for the satellite phone sent flying by his radical stop, and punched in the only number that mattered right now. A flat, hard-edged voice had replaced gravel-voice on the night watch. ExTank hated this guy; he was the kind of guy who just loved to deliver bad news, and he just knew Hard-Ass (his name for him) would deliver the worst news in the world with a hard gleam in his eye and sick grin on his face.

“What?” Hard-Ass demanded.
“Where’s the grenades? You guys forgot to pack along any grenades!” ExTank yelled into the phone.
“Unavailable,” Hard-Ass replied, and ExTank could just hear the incipient grin on this smug bastard’s face.
“Unavailable?! What do you mean, ‘unavailable?’ You guys have warehouses of 'em lying about!” ExTank railed back.
“Unavailable. There’s a war on, you know.” Hard-Ass came back.
“Yeah, I know,” Extank replied as if to a particularly slow specimen of human acumen, “and I’m heading to the ‘Western Front’ as we speak, and let me tell ya, friend, it may be ‘all quiet’ now, but it sure as hell ain’t gonna be for long! With grenades, I got a chance of getting out here alive; without, I may as well eat a bullet now and save myself the pain!”
“Unavailable.” Hard-Ass repeated. “Will there be anything else I can do for you?”
ExTank heaved a weary sigh, and massaged the bridge of his nose while he thought, and finally asked, “SitRep?”
“Preliminary indications of escalation to Level 2. We’re seeing fluctuations in the local power grid. Overhead imagery shows some areas in blackout.”
“Jesus.” Extank muttered dispiritedly.
“Don’t say His name! That’s the last thing we need right now, is Him showing up in the middle of this!” Hard-Ass apparently had a pulse after all.

ExTank pulled into the darkened town, and parked on a side street not far from the town center. He shut off the car, and rolled down the window, listening for…anything at all unusual. Time for a dismounted recon, he thought. No need to raise pulses just yet, though, so I’d better go ‘light’ on the hardware for now.

Opening the trunk, ExTank took one of the silenced 9mm pistols, inserted a magazine, jacked the slide, decocked it, and slipped it into a shoulder holster under his jacket. The shoulder holster was balanced on the other side by a magazine pouch with 2 spare 15-round clips. Into various pockets went the satellite phone (now set on vibrate), a canister (like a small Mace can) of holy water, a small pocket-sized can of WD-40, various religious symbols, a fresh deck of smokes, a lighter, and a rabbit’s foot. ExTank slipped quietly out of the alley and headed out into the night, looking for capital-T Trouble…

…and behind him, a slightly darker shade of night detached itself from a building wall and began inching along the ground towards the rear of the car…

Meanwhile Lumpy assisted Dr. Elfkin in getting Mr. Excellent up to the Stab room, joined by Dr. Magill as he happened to exit the stairwell as they were passing down the corridor. It looked bad; Excellent was “stable” to the extent that “mortally wounded but not yet dead” can be called stable. Recognizing the injuries as similar to the D.O.A. in her morgue, Elfkin had attempted to contact the police, only to discover that something was terribly wrong. Not only were all land lines down, but only a few people seemed able to sporadically get a signal on their cells; and unbelievably 911 itself was down. That should have been absolutely impossible short of a nuclear war, and yet there it was.

Lumpy had gone back to the main security desk for a few minutes and then reported back. “It’s crazy out there Doc. We have a CB radio for emergency use and something’s screwing it up big time- static and weird squealing noises most of the time. I was able to get some news: half the city’s in blackout and no one knows why yet. As far as I was able to find out, none of the other hospitals are any better off than we are, and medivac isn’t an option: air traffic control is down over the entire metro area, and there’s been at least one crash at one of the regional small plane strips. Chopper, you’d have to cross your fingers and pray you didn’t collide with anything. I’m afraid your guy is gonna live or die right here. He say anything?”

“No” responded Dr. Elfkin “I’m not sure he could speak. Lumpy, how the hell did this guy get in here? And he didn’t do this to himself, is there some goddamn psycho loose in the building?”

Lumpy looked worried. “Damned if I know Doc. I could leave and try to get help but that’d mean leaving you guys here alone”.

She knew. But neither really wanted to actually say it.

“Yeah. It’s time. You know the prophecy as well as I do.”

She sighed. “So they failed?”

“Not exactly. They summoned it. It ate them. Now it’s on the prowl.”

Confused, she pondered those words for a moment, before she heard a snarled curse, breaking glass, and gunshots…at least two from Oak’s rifle. She’d never forget that sound. And several more from a semi-automatic weapon. Then another curse, in a voice that wasn’t anything remotely human. Then nothing, as the line went dead…

It was dark. Lost4life for life couldin’t figure out at first why he was in a dark place. Then he couldn’t figure out why he was anywhere, considering he’d fallen into an elevator shaft.

Groaning, he flexed an arm experimentally, and was shocked that it both functioned and did so pain free. After a minute or two, he got to his feet and began to try to feel for a way out of the shaft. The elevator wasn’t within reach of his hands, but he did feel the seam of what must be the doors at the basement level. Groping around revealed a long thin metal bar, and he wondered if it ever had been an important part of the elevator.

Five minutes later, he managed to pry the doors open, and emerge into a dimly lit corridor. “Oh yeah, power failure,” he muttered to himself, seconds before something grabbed him and pulled him into a nearby broom closet.


Meanwhile, back in the stab room Elfkin nodded and pulled a glock out from a holster no one ever noticed. Lumpy’s eyes widened. “Doc! I had no idea you were packing!”

“I’m a Republican, Lumpy. Of course I own a gun,” she told him calmly. “We’ll be fine.”

“I’m not sure the patient will be,” Dr. Magill muttered, looking up from putting stitches in Mr. Excellent. Between the two of them, the doctors had managed to stop most of his wounds from bleeding.

Elfkin was about to ask Aruvqan what she thought but noticed that the other woman was staring at her cell phone with a faintly disguished look of horror. “What? Do you know something about what’s going on?”

Aruvqan opened her mouth, but Lumpy cut her off by asking, “Does anyone hear that?” In the distance there was a mewling sound. “Did someone let a cat in the hospital?”

Before he could go off to investigate, Aruvqan grabbed his arm. “Don’t. It’s not a cat.”

The three of them looked at her, wondering what the hell she was talking about. She sighed. “Look, we’re fucked. You’ve got hide that guy-” She pointed at the faintly moaning Mr. Excellent, “Somewhere safe, and the rest of us have to get the hell out of here.”

“Why?” Lumpy asked plantively.

“Because it is about to go to hell in a really bad way really fast. And I am meaning hell in a very literal way.” Aruvqan sighs “I listened to that advice, and got out with nothing worse than a wheelchair. Others were not as … lucky.”

Aruvqan turns and grabs her chair bag and unlocks the side compartment and pulls out a headlamp and a can of what looked like wasp spray.

“Look, it isn’t exactly a hellhound, or a werewolf. More of a cat, really. Unfortunately it also is hard to see sometimes.” Indicating the spray can, she continues “Someone found out they really can’t stand BZ, and it mixed with phosporescent paint so you could see the damned things.”

She shakes the can a bit “I have a range of about 20 feet with this, but it really gets them in the nose, and fucks with their heads and makes it harder for them to track by scent.”

Meanwhile, Cuckoorex/He’Tgraava was smiling.

The rituals had all gone as planned, and the Summoning Sigil was almost complete; he/it pictured the map in mind; he needed only to complete the rituals in Tennessee, South Carolina, and finally Washington, D.C. The fools here couldn’t possibly understand the scope of what was going to happen then; the Darkness, the Seekers, the Shambling One…? All precursors to the grand finale. Then they’d wish that it really was only Hell; this would be far, far worse for them. And the fool Cuckoorex? Well, perhaps, He’Tgraava thought, I ought to allow him to witness the fruits of “our” labours…

Across town, sirens wail as flames engulf a third floor apartment. Puddles of ichor burn holes deep into the asphalt paving the alley, as two men talk in the shadows. One slaps another clip into his 9mm. The other is loading what appears to be a vintage Winchester 1894 carbine. A match flares, revealing Oak and ExTank. Oak touches the match to a cigarrette, and puffs it to life.

ExTank: You still carrying that antique, Oak?

Oak: Call me sentimental. Besides, mine died first.

ExTank: Yeah, but mine is deader. You know there’s a bounty on you, right?

Oak: Yeah. You figuring to collect?

ExTank: Not tonight. Besides, you were a good soldier. Before you turned rogue. Some folks say that bastard had it coming. I might be one of them.

Oak: Figures. If you wanted the money, you coulda shot me instead of…the other one.

ExTank: You know what it’s gonna take to stop this. If it can be stopped.

Oak: Yeah. I know. You up for it?

ExTank: Well, I am out of bubble gum. You coming with me?

Oak: You know I work alone. Just try not to blow up the whole damn town, ok?

ExTank: You going soft in your old age?

Oak: No. Just getting tired. Forever is a long time.

Oak tosses his cigarette butt into a puddle of ichor, and strides away, into the darkness.

Cuckoorex/He’Tgraava had run out of patience; humans in general were annoying, with their insistence on order and loyalty and their pathetic co-dependent ways, but this group in the hospital…? He’Tgraava had engineering things to bring them together here for a singular purpose; extermination. He called out to the Seekers that were already on the prowl; “No more stalking, no more stalling. First one with a kill gets a special treat tonight…sic 'em, girls!”

Oak and ExTank both heard the oncoming assault mere seconds before the Seekers would hit; their training and experience *might *save them, but would they have enough time…?

Soft padding footsteps coming down the dark hallway alerted Aruvqan that something was on the prowl. She popped the cap off the spraycan and stuffed it under a leg. Aiming it down the hallway, she paused while trying to guesstimate when the hellcat would be within range. “Elfkin” she whispered hoarsly “get ready, something is about to have a bad night, if we can manage it.”

The padding got to what she thought was within range and she shot a short burst of the BZ/paint mixture into the dark with a muttered prayer.

A ragefilled shriek sounded from a vaguely slinky black on black shape spattered with glowing speckles as it thrashed its head around, weird tentacles squirming around from a spot between its shoulder blades.

Heavy thudding sounds heralded the arrival of 2 men with weapons bursting through the doors at the bottom of the stairs, Oak and ExTank shoved past the stunned crowd of people and opened fire on the hellcat. Dr Magill let out an involuntary scream as she was startled by the loud gunfire.

Spotting more hellcats incoming in the muzzleflash combined with the headlamp, she let fly again with the spray and scored hits on two more of the evil beasts.

Lumpy had been standing there uncomprehending of what the heck aruvqan was talking about. Invisible hellcats? He had almost decided that someone from Psych should take a look at her when her spray had outlined something out of a horror flick. His confusion might have been fatal but for the arrival of Oak and **ExTank; **not only did they shoot the creature that would otherwise have eviscerated him, but the sight of armed gunmen bursting into the room triggered his training in a way that eldritch horrors would not have. Drawing his sidearm and taking the safety off, it took him three-quarters of a second to decide that the armed gunmen were NOT the chief threat in the room. He took aim at the nearest creature and training took over: *“Breath! Aim center mass. Don’t jerk muzzle squeeze trigger…” *Whether it was luck or muscle memory, the double tap hit home, just at the spot where neck met shoulders. The thing screamed once and dropped to the floor thrashing. Another was within striking distance but Lumpy managed to bring his gun around and fired twice again at point blank range into the thing’s open maw. This one didn’t even make a sound as it died but the momentum of it’s charge knocked Lumpy over.

Aruvqan screamed as** Lumpy** careened into her, knocking her chair over and dropping her on the floor. Ichor from the hellcat covered the floor, and made the footing treacherous for Oak and ExTank, who moved over slightly to get out of the puddled goo while still firing at the hellcats.

“That’s four for me.”

“No, that was my kill, I still have one more than you do.”

“Fine, but you are still buying the beer, you still owe me one.”

Aruvqan sighs while righting her chair and muscling back into the seat. “Testosterone poisoning.” Wiping the goo off on her jeans, she comments “I’ll buy the damned beer if we live.”

Just as Cuckoorex/He’Tgraava had planned, the humans were expending precious ammunition on the relatively harmless Seekers; a few more waves should deplete them entirely. But maybe it wasn’t too early to send in Morpheus…of course he wasn’t limited to the manipulation of dreams; he could cause vivid hallucinations as well. Perhaps it would be fun to turn the humans against each other…

Elfkin thought she heard something, but it was hard to tell over the the sounds of the guns. By chance everyone but Lumpy was reloading at the same time, so she listened harder. “Hey! Hey, what’s going on?” a voice was calling behind her.

Whipping around, she turned to see someone standing a few yards away and dressed in pajamas, so it could only be a patient. “Who are you?” she asked, staring back at a wide-eyed face.

Meanwhile Lumpy has regained his feet. He looks rather pale, and he’s keeping up a steady murmer of something like “fucking fuckity fuck”. He does have the presence of mind to decock his firearm, despite rather shaky hands.

“I’m Bananapants****” said the teen in pajamas. “I was coming by to check and see if anyone knew what happened to my dad and what caused the bite marks?” I heard some strange noises outside when i got out of my car. it sounded like a group of cats but bigger, almost like a pack. i heard other people so i tried to get out here as soon as possible without being seen by those…things.

ExTank took a deep breath, and began taking stock of the situation. He dropped his magazines and made an eyeball check of his ammo status as he sized up Oak’s retreating back and thought, He really thinks someone is after him. Poor bastard.

People leave the Organization one of two ways: feet-first or brain burned, with the former far outnumbering the other. In the old days, there were more than a few screaming lunatics in asylums that were former Guardians; by the latter half of the 20th century, the technique for mind-wiping someone had advanced far enough to leave the vic-, er, subject, a mumbling, shuffling moron wandering the streets and eating out of dumpsters, or standing on street corners spewing insanities about the coming apocalypse.

The newest techniques just left people like Oak: strange and quirky, but with either little or no memory of their former life, or conditioned against talking about it with anyone other than Organization Operatives.

Into the confused babble of semi-hysterical voices, Tank let loose a piercing whistle and said, “Listen up folks; that was just the beginning, and these bozos,” he indicated the dead hellcats, “are little more than foot soldiers. They’re nasty enough to us, but expendable. We have to locate the source of these things, and take it out.” He racked the big 12ga. shotgun meaningfully, and said, “And this is just enough to get its attention, but not do much more than piss it off.”

“You folks are mostly locals,” he continued, “so if anyone is going to figure it out who’s who and who’s not-what-they-appear-to-be, it’s gonna be you folks.” Tank was interrupted by his cell phone ringing, and he stopped his address to fish it out of his pocket, looking at the number on the incoming call.

“What?” He snapped into the phone.
“We’re getting preliminary indications of multiple incursions in Tennessee or Kentucky, South Carolina, and possibly D.C. But the locus is around you; whatever’s causing this is somewhere in your vicinity.”
“Okay, we’re on it!” Tank replied, and hung up.

Turning back to the crowd, Tank went on, “Okay, it’s worse than you think; similar outbreaks are taking place in the midwest and on the Atlantic seaboard. But it’s centered here. So unless y’all want to live in lakes of fire and breathe sulfur, it’s up to us.”


Opposite the President (who had just finished reading an incredible-to-believe precis of an even more stupifying file) sat a four-star General, a Cardinal of the Catholic church, and a famous (at least within certain esoteric acedemic circles) Rabbi. The President carefuly closed the file, sat it with equal care on his desk, leaned forward, calmly crossed his hands on his desk, looked at his visitors, and said, “Y’all’ve gotta be shittin’ me!” The general, Cardinal, and the Rabbi gazed back levelly, and shook their heads.

The Cardinal replied, “No, signore Presidente. We can assure you, it is most real.” The general and Rabbi nodded gravelly in agreement.

POTUS picked up an ordinary looking phone (in all the movies, it was depicted as being large and red) with no number buttons on it, and said, “Get me the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs. We’re going to DefCon2 immediately. NO! This is NOT a fuckin’ DRILL!”

At several different U.S. air force and naval bases and aircraft carriers, protocols were being enacted. Coded signals had gone out with “NCA” (National Command Authority; POTUS) all over them, been challenged, and verified. Keys opened safes, code cards were read from and their numbers entered into computers, which pondered, and then released additional codes. Bunkers were opened, and row-upon-row of B61 tactical nuclear warheads were wheeled out to jet fighters being hastily, but thoroughly, prepped for war-shot missions.

Hell, in one form or another, was coming to Earth.

"Waitaminnit!" wailed Lumpy. “First, just what exactly is going on here? And why the hell isn’t the Army handling it if it’s so f***in’ dangerous?” He turned to Aruvqan: “You know something about these things? Who are you? And who are these guys?”

Elfkin could see that Lumpy was nearly hysterical and urged him to calm down. She then said “I think we’ve all taken more than a little shock at this point. This is… beyond what any of us ever imagined or considered possible. If you don’t mind giving us the Reader’s Digest Condensed version, I think we all really need to know just what is happening here”.

Cuckoorex/He’Tgraava decided it was time to make his entrance, before any of the insufferable humans started comparing notes on the Summoning. He called for one of the Seekers and ordered her to claw Cuck’s leg a bit…

“Help! Help me, please! There’s some kind of monster loose in the building!” Cuckoorex pleaded. He limped forward, blood dripping from his freshly-administered wound. Looking around at the group, lingering briefly on ExTank and Oakminster, he asked; “Guns? Are you guys from the SWAT team or something?”

Meanwhile, the Seekers were quietly circling around behind the group, his distraction thus far working perfectly…

Ah - emergency medicine. Maus was back in his element.

“You - with the BFG,” he pointed to Extank, “help me get this guy onto that stretcher. Lumpy, bring me that suture kit from that table over there.”

He had looked at Mr. Excellent earlier, and had determined that it was a just matter of time before he was going to be more like Elfkin’s regular patients. Maus planned on administering morphine as soon as he found some, so he wouldn’t suffer in the end.

The orderly, Cuckoorex - according to his ID tag, was going to be okay. His leg was torn up a bit, but it would be manageable. At least Maus was going to get someone out of this alive.