Strange, strange happenings, man.

In My Humble Opinion
1

When I got my first car, a few friends and I cut school. There were six of us. Three boys, three girls.

The girls took Justin’s Cavalier, and us guys were in my Escort.

We screwed around in the city for a while, then headed home. Justin and Jon had somewhere to go, so they took his car, and the three girls and I piled into my Escort. I didn’t want to drive, so I let Missy take the wheel. Okay, that was a lie. I wanted to sit in back with this cute girl. Anyway, Missy is quite possibly the worst driver ever.

We go back to our small town, and decide to go hill jumping on some dirt roads. There’s this dirt road, State Line Rd., that’s coincidentally the state line between Kansas and Missiouri. There’s a spot on the road where it dips suddenly, a paved bridge about 30 feet long, then a sharp rise in the pavement. If you hit it just right, you’d be in the air for about 15 yards. Also, the rise of the road made for a very gentle landing.

We were gunning it about 60 mph down the road, careening towards this bridge, when I see something on the side of the road. I look closer, and realize that there’s 2 miniature donkeys, two horses, a cow and a mule standing beside the road, just on the other side of the bridge.

I yell at Missy to slow down, but she ignores me, oblivious.

Right as we hit the bridge, she sees them, and stomps the brakes. We bottom out on the dip before the bridge, as a miniature donkey broke away from the pack and started to run beside us. We hit the incline, and shot into the air. Right was we were coming down, the donkey looks over at us, frantic, and cuts right out into the middle of the road.

It looks back at us, eyes wide, and lets out a plaintive “EEEEE-yawwwwww!,” right as the grille of my car slams into his rear. The donkey’s head dips as it doubles over, rolling down the road like a donut. The car finally halts, as the donkey tumbles into a ditch, right beside us.

I’m sitting in the back staring at the injured donkey, Missy is gripping the wheel so hard her knuckles turn white, Jessica is bawling, and Jeana, the girl in the back, is still playing Tetris, unaware. I never said she was smart.

Missy slowly opens her door, gets out, and looks over at the donkey. I slowly start to chuckle, gradually increasing, until I’m doubled over in the back seat, laughing so hard my eyes water. Missy kneels behind the door, trying to get up the courage to look at the animal. She’s alternating between crouching and laughing, and looking at the donkey and crying. Jeana finally notices something has happened.

Eventually, after we all calmed down, we drove to the nearest house (Jessica’s) and called 911.

It took 911 approximately 7 minutes to stop laughing hard enough to ask me where I was.

This is the most surreal thing that’s ever happened to me.

How about you?

–Tim

P.S. On a sad note, the donkey was apparently pregnant. As we drove away, we heard the bang of the State Trooper’s handgun.

2

I just drew up an ascii pic of the site. Let’s see if this works.


                                                                             _______________
                                         3_______________                  4/
_________________1                     _/                \________________/
                  \___________2_______/

1. Dip
2. Animals
3. Jump
4. Landing, donkeyslaughter

This is all way out of proportion, so forgive me.

–Tim

3

How bizarre, and horrible about the donkey.

I am really bummed out about the donkey!!! SHIT!

That Missy needs to stop driving, or else get a clue, dammit.

4

YB, if it makes you feel any better, a few weeks later, we were coming back from Peculiar, down C highway, when Missy ignored the S curves and sped straight off down a gravel road, before she slid to a halt, shaking.

We asked her what the FUCK she was doing, and she was like “I wasn’t paying attention. I was daydreaming.”

She refused to let anyone else drive the rest of the way.

A few days after that, we were going down 267th street, not far from the donkey thing. There’s a little wooden bridge, with wheel guides. It has huge bumps on either side, and you should go over it at about 10 mph or it’ll collapse and you’ll die. Also, right past the bridge is a sharp turn. This is gravel, mind you.

The last time I ever rode with Missy is when she came speeding down this road, flew over the bridge doing 60, and spun out as she tried to negotiate the corner at the same speed, nearly taking out some trees.

I made her take me back to my car, and never, ever, rode with her again. One, two, three strikes, you’re out.

I’m sure she’s dead in a wreck by now. Totally her fault, of course. Moron.

I may drive fast, but dammit, I know how to control my car. I’ve spend dozens of hours in a flat parking lot, sloped parking lot, and gravel parking lot teaching myself spin recovery, e-brake usage, and such. I’m a pretty damn good driver for never being taught. A fucking diseased horse could drive better than Missy.

Oh, and she blew her engine not once, but TWICE, while trying to hill jump and bottoming out, and ripping the oil pan right off. She didn’t even notice.

Anyway, back to your regularly scheduled surreal experiences.

–Tim

5

Yeah, those wacky teenage Hi-jinx are lots of fun until somebody (or somebody’s ass) gets hurt. Good thing it was livestock innocently standing by the road rather than someone’s children.

But hey, at least you got a good laugh out of it.

Punk.

6

Let me get this straight… at point #4 in your diagram you indicate “Landing, donkeyslaughter.”

Donkeys laughter?

The donkeys were laughing? At the death of one of their own? The cruel bastards. You should have killed them all to teach them a lesson.

7

Could have been “donkey slaughter.”

Either one works.

8

Yup. It’s like my dear old Auntie Amanda Lynn always said, “You can’t have a slaughter without laughter.”

9

What’s with the jab, Frank? You got a problem with me? If you do, start a f’n thread in the pit, don’t muck up Slythe’s forum with your garbage. Punk.

There’s also not alot of children standing beside an old, pretty much abandoned dirt road. If you knew how to read, you’d realize I was far from any town, or houses. Punk.

Oh, and re-read the OP. It wasn’t my fault we got in a wreck, in fact, I tried to warn her ahead of time. Nice comprehension skills you have, though. Punk.

–Tim

10

I’m sensing a bit of hostility here. Oh well.

As for the OP, I find that kind of disturbing. (Not saying it’s your fault, Homer. I understand that you were not driving. And not saying that the following would’ve/could’ve/should’ve happened to you. So don’t open up your can of verbal whoop-ass on me.)

I used to hill jump all the time. There was this one spot way out in the middle of nowhere, where there was an old country road that crossed right over a not-so-busy highway. The highway had slight inclines on both sides, making itself a “hill” in the middle of this country road. We’d hit that sucker going 90 miles an hour, fly (yes, fly) right over the highway, land on the other side, whip around screaming, “Do it again! Do it again!” and we’d do it again.

The country road went north/south. If you were going south, you could see the highway clearly early enough to stop if there was a car coming. If you were going north, you couldn’t so you just turned off your headlights to see if you could see any other lights. (And I’m sure everyone has done this.) Thankfully, nothing ever happened to myself or any of my friends. Tragically, 5 teenagers died when, in mid “flight”, they were struck by a Mack truck. Very sad. The driver of the truck died too. That happened years ago. I haven’t done it since. So sad that people don’t change things until something bad happens.

Oh, and Homer? “Gunning it”? “60mph”? Bwahahaha!!

11

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Frankd6 *
**Yeah, those wacky teenage Hi-jinx are lots of fun until somebody (or somebody’s ass) gets hurt. Good thing it was livestock innocently standing by the road rather than someone’s children.

But hey, at least you got a good laugh out of it.

**

[QUOTE]

Umm…this is weird…

12

That’s what you decided to do, is it? Nobody twisted your arm?

Let’s see – you’re intentionally driving in an unsafe manner, endangering other drivers, pedestrians, animals and other people’s property. Then, when you finally kill something, you think it’s the funniest thing you’ve ever seen.

Hahaha! I killed an innocent pregnant animal! Let’s go to the slaughterhouse for some REAL laughs!

13

so Homer, you and your buddies been on Jerry’s show yet?