Stuff I've wanted to do but don't

For the umpteenth time, I’ve wanted to yell at someone for taking the elevator up or down 1 freaking floor. I have 6 or 7 floors to go, what’s your excuse you lazy excuse for a human being? Of course maybe they’re injured and I can’t see, or have some other condition that I don’t know of. But damn if I don’t want to say that to someone a dozen times a day…

Bikers who stray too far into the lane, I know that we’re all supposed to share the road but I’m in a 2000lb box of metal and flammable gas and you’re on a couple of rubber wheels held together by a box full of aluminum. When there’s no bike lane, scoot your ass to the right! I get the urge many times to just nudge them with my car and drive off. I know, that’s evil, but sometimes…

I’m afraid of heights, but sometimes I think of what it would be like if I just jumped off that cliff or balcony. It’s kind of a thrill for me, but I’m afraid one day I’ll take it too far

I want to throw stuff off a tall building. It could be anything, pennies, lightbulbs, tennis balls, ants. It just seems like it would be fun, you know? Then I would jump off after them :eek:

Run for office. But do it ala Bulworth and just tell people the straight up god damn truth. You poor? Vote for me but realize I’m not going to do much to help you because you don’t give me any money. Sorry kiddo, but that’s what makes the world go round. And sure, I have values, but values and a quarter is going to get you placed last behind the fucking American Communist party. You should know that if you want me to get elected, I’m going to say and do things I don’t believe it. It’s just how it works bucko, sorry.

Also, I’ve always wanted to lift the skirt of a hot girl on the street and just run for it. Maybe it’s a guy thing :smiley:

You do not want to run for office. For reals. I’m still kind of traumatized by my boyfriend’s mayoral run earlier this year. :slight_smile:

But I’d be the cool candidate! The one who tells it like it is! It can’t be that bad if I’m not trying to juggle trying to decide which constituents to lie to, can it? :wink: Not to imply that your bf was lying to anyone

Oh, and another thing, also involving elevators. One of these days I’d love to tell the fuckers trying cram onto an elevator before everyone has exited to step the fuck back! Let people exiting go first, THEN come in!

I’m sure we’ve done this before, but that ass of a biker is there because YOU’RE CRAAAAZY. If you can’t safely take a little jog to the left to get around him, wait a damn minute, as that cyclist is likely claiming the lane for now because a) there’s no shoulder/the rest of the right hand of the lane is chunked up/ dangerous/ there’s a gap/ there’s a drop, etc, and there’s no place to scoot, and if he goes any further to the right you will make an assheaded attempt to pass without enough room and he’ll wind up getting hit (as you gently ‘nudge’ (i.e. kill) him) or packing it trying to evade you. Yes, you’re in a 2000 pound box. You could also punch out Girl Scouts.

Testosterone overload.

Sublimate. It will pass in a decade or so and you’ll avoid imprisonment and/or worse. :smiley:

The bikers in my town seem to want to get killed by how they ride. I saw a guy ignore a stop sign last week. I wanted to nudge him so much…

I have 2 more:

Cut the hand off anyone who sticks their arm in an elevator door to hold it open after it has closed more than 75% of the way. Take the next one you damn lazy people!!! The way I see it, I would have a sword with me all the time and stand near the door. Then when the doors are closing, I raise it up in preparation. If someone sticks their hand in, WHACK!, it gets cut off

Break the necks of people who you’re talking to but doesn’t look at you. No, idiot, you cannot multitask, you cannot type or read at the same time I’m talking to you. You’ll only half hear me. Then you’ll do the job half-assed. Then you’ll complain that I never told you to do the part you missed. Yes I did, asshole, you’re just too stupid to realize it. Next time I’m going to grab you by the ears and spin your head around backwards


Might I recommend decaf next coffee break?

As to whacking the arm off of any who has the audacity to force that elevator door back open… the remaining 20-25% door opening gap is more than adequate to aim a firearm, and bringing a sword to a gunfight is poor tactics.

Then I’ll simply sharpen the elevator doors to razor sharpness, so anyone who sticks their hand in is bound to be cut anyway.