Smacks self on forehead
So all those times I peed on the sign I should have been looking for a murder victim? Why doesn’t someone tell me these things!
What’s up with “Crosswalk”? Can you only walk there if you’re mad? Or do you have to walk with your legs crossed? Seems a pretty silly way to cross a street-you could get hit!
And another thing, we have Afghan tortoises at work, and I don’t see a darn thing wrong with them! What are they gonna do–shell me?!
What about a sidewalk? Can you only walk on it sideways? You might bump into people that way.
What about jaywalking? Can only people named Jay jaywalk?
My name is John, and I want to Jaywalk, not Johnwalk. Whats up with that?
I think because the recent terrorist attacks were committed by a group of Middle Easterners, then it is most people’s initial reactions to fear those that resemble the perpetrators (sp?). People are just very afraid of suspicious of anything or anyone have a remote resemblance to the terrorists. I wouldn’t take it personally if someone seems to looks strangely at you if your wife wears her afghan out. Just realize the people are scared.
I’m glad that there’s a policy this time round of no carpet bombing. I know some carpets are pretty horrible but I don’t think there’s any record of a carpet actually harming anyone and so I don’t think we should be bombing them.
It wouldn’t be so bad if they would bomb only shag carpets. I do worry a little bit though about the Amtrax. I’ve seen those things, and they’re pretty big.
But I want to talk about something pretty important right now. Survivor. I think the next one to be voted off will be Rich. He walks around naked too much, and this is bound to offend people. I pick that lawyer guy, what’s his name, Will? I think he’ll win it cause he’s so cunning.
Carpet balming?!
As if the government doesn’t have enough on its hands already, now it has to get involved in balming people’s carpets? With my tax money?! Why can’t people balm their own carpets?! What’s next?!
Frankly, I’m not one bit surprized that BFI hasn’t been able to get to the bottom of this amtraks situation. Hell they can’t even pick up my trash twice a week.
It’s been a while since i’ve had my asphalt, but I have never had my pavement.
But guys … carpets are Turkish, and Turkey is practically Afghanistan! Carpets are THE ENEMY!!! We must bomb them into sheets of glass, even if it means we can’t ever walk around in stocking feet again.
I guess that means Thanksgiving is out, too. Darn.
Do deer read? How do they know to cross only at the Deer Crossing signs? If I put one up by my house would they start crossing there? That would be cool.
And those signs that say “$500 fine for littering.” Yeah, I’m sure it is. But not all of us have that kind of cash just lying around to nonchalantly throw out the window when the moment occurs. And who picks all of these $500 bills up after they’re thrown? Someone must be doing it. I never see any.
Drumsticks are used for playing drums. What about breadsticks? Do you use those to play bread? And what about a turkey or chicken drumstick? Or the ice cream? People would look at you very funny if you tried playing drums with those.
You know what I think? I think all the people from milk cartons and those mailings that say “missing” are all holed up in a town somewhere together. A town where no one would ever suspect anyone of living. A town big enough to support all those people, yet the rest of the world cares not for its existence. Someplace like Toledo, Ohio.
George Carlin is a treasure trove of stupid humble opinions. I love that man.
Me, too. Though the first one was mine. If he’s done something similar, I haven’t seen it. 
People, I know you may not think that this whole Amtracks thing is worth worrying about, but I think there is a very serious problem here. I mean, these things were derailing all the damn time even before the terrorist attacks. Now, things are even worse, since the terrorists are using them to kill people! I guess they’re running them into buildings or something, like they did with those planes. Frankly, I don’t see how you guys can be so callous and non-challant about this. I, for one, am very afraid of Amtracks now, especially since there is a station right outside my office building here. I can’t help but think, everytime I hear one of those trains go by, that our building is next…
Another thing that bothers me are those environmentalist extremist “End Construction” signs. I guess everyone is entitled to express their opinion, but to go around putting these up right where people are, in fact, doing roadwork or whatever just seems to be inviting a confrontation. Mark my words: nothing good will come of this.
It’s not just children. Less gifted adults also have their houses branded with big yellow sign that says “Dip”.
And what about those kids in Somalia? They’re always on the TV asking me for money to buy food - but I say, sell yer damn video camera if you’re so hungry. If they were really starving, they wouldn’t be sitting around filming themselves would they. And I’m not so sure they actually are hungry - some of them have awfully big bellies …
I really don’t think they should print “shake well” on beverage containers and such. After all, I’m pretty sure that they aren’t that concerned with your form. Probably what they really mean is “shake thouroughly”, but then they never specify so it’s hard to tell.
In fact to be truthful what they should really print on them is “please shake this container very thouroughly, as it’s probably been sitting on the shelf for a long time (because after all the stockboys never really rotate the stock no matter what they tell you, they’re always sneaking off for a smoke when nobody is watching them), and we think you’ll enjoy it a lot more if you manage to get the sediment that’s collected on the bottom mixed in with the actual fluid part of the beverage, assuming you don’t want a mouthful of sludge when you get to the bottom; of course if you like the sludge then just ignore this and sorry for the inconvienence)”.
That’s a lot to print on a bottle cap. I think the only way to get it to fit would be to print in really small type. Of course then you’d probably have to include a magnifying glass so people could actually read the bottle cap, and also print somewhere on the bottle “please use included magnifying glass to read important shaking notice on bottle cap” or something similar.
Ok, so I was driving home today past a neighborhood business when I noticed their outdoor marquee sign read: “We sell moving boxes.”
“WOW,” I thought to myself. “That’s so great. Boxes have now developed into intelligent lifeforms because they can move on their own. Won’t that make my packing up the Holiday decorations easier this year!”
I think my next trip down that street, I am gonna stop at that store and buy me two or three of those moving boxes. I hope they aren’t too expensive.
Isn’t life grand in the 21st Century!
I hope they are housebroken.
Hey, does anyone know who Bump is? And why are they always telling him to speed? Especially down back alleys and roads with lots of kids. I just think that’s really irresponsible!