Stupid leaves...

The BBQ Pit
1

I’m 13, and in need for some sort of monetary support…for various things. Anyway, since I’m still “protected” by child labor laws, I’m forced to do yard care jobs mostly for money. So now, since it’s fall, I’m raking leaves for my parents for a generous amount. Thing is, I misinterpreted what my dad said about the date in which the yard has to be done as a week after the date which he actually said it needed to be done. Also, I just learned that yesterday with half the lawn left to do. That could be rant-worthy right there, but I won’t go into more detail in this thread. My problem is with the leaves themselves.

Leaves, please consider the following requests.

  1. Do not blow in the wind from one half of the yard to the other half of the yard. Instead of only taking 1 sweep of the rake to get all of you, I take 3 due to build up.

  2. Do not blow into the row of small shrubs next to my fence. This makes me jam the rake into the fence, shaking the shrub’s bare branches which then are whapping against my face.

  3. Do not get your friends, the sticks, to puncture holes in the lawn bags when I try to bag you all. I don’t enjoy having a gaping hole where you all escape back into the pile of leaves.

  4. From mowings past, some of you have been chopped into miniscule leaf dust. Do not get the leaf dust to shoot up when I stomp on the bag and make me sneeze many times. I also don’t enjoy black leaf stuff coming out when I blow my nose as a result of this.

Failiure to do these requests will leave you on the lawn after I bag the rest of you. After I bag the rest of you, I plan on running the mower over the lawn to make it really leafless. Note that the lawn mower causes far more pain to you than bagging will. It is a mulching mower. It will shred you to bits to be frozen in the Minnesotan winter. Thank you.

(Note: Shall we say…a pit n00b wrote this)

2

Yeah. Nature sucks.

3

LOL, I like you.

shmigheghi is my pick for Favorite Newbie.

So young, such a way with words…

4

Dude! I have SO been there!!

I feels for ya, man!!

All I can say is that it DOES get better! Wait 20 years or so… you’ll see…:smiley:

5

shmigheghi, You don’t appear to be fucked in the head enough to be a real 13 year old.

Yes, that was a complimentary remark. :slight_smile:

6

Are a lot brighter than we sometimes give them credit for, as the above poster has shown.

I couldn’t write such an intelligent post when I was 13.

Heck, I can’t do it now.

Stay with us, shmigheghi.

You’re a breath of fresh air.

7

I agree- both about the leaves and the poster. Believe me when I tell you this: most of the people that I have college classes with cannot write as coherently as you. What an intelligent, articulate post. Bravo!

Zette
PS- Leaves DO totally suck. Your best bet is to trick your friends into helping you out.

8

Pit threads from 13 year-olds are not supposed to be witty.

9

I was still confined to a loose-leaf notebook at 13.

4 points for the word “whapping”.

10

Yep, my posts were this good when I was 13 (never mind that it was '84 and there were no such thing as posts). Then, puberty hit, I became the smartest person who ever lived, and all my posting abilities went straight to hell.

[sub]Welcome aboard, shmigheghi.[/sub]

11

shmighegi:

Some of this is not the leaves fault, and I have a hard time countenancing the overt leaf bigotry that pervades your post.

Have you ever heard the saying “don’t spit in the wind?” Same theory applied to leaves says that you start at the upwind side of your lawn and rake towards downwind. That way the wind helps you.

[/quote]
2. Do not blow into the row of small shrubs next to my fence. This makes me jam the rake into the fence, shaking the shrub’s bare branches which then are whapping against my face.
[/quote]

And this is the leaves’ fault. They can’t help the wind. Do you really think they want to go into that shrub? Another clear example of leaf bigotry.

Blame not the leaves for the sins of the shrub.

Oh sure, the leaves again. How are they supposed to control their friends. The leaves can only look after their own behavior, and are not responsible for what the sticks do.

How would you like it if you got blamed for what your friends did?

Let me get this straight. You mowed them to death, reduced them to powdery pulp, destroyed their lives, hopes, dreams, and aspirations and now you have a problem with them because of it.

You deserve that black snot, leafkiller!

Oh sure, threaten them. You’ll probably complain about the dust your leaf genocide creates as well.

You insensitive, shredding leaf bigot!

Why can’t you just leaf and let leaf?

When will you lean to leaf well enough alone?

If you use that mower it will create mulch unhappiness for all concerned.

12

Lesse…responding to the past posts in order:

Yup.

Thanks.

I will.

Thanks.

I will.

Too bad none of my friends live anywhere near me, but yes that would be an idea. And thanks.

I believe it…just looking at my school I see that 90% can’t form a sentence without swearing. Thanks.

Thanks.

Ditto.

And of course, Scylla’s:
Since I’ve only been lurking around for a couple months, I’ll leave responses to fairly valid points to a low amount, i.e. 0. But, your first point about the spit in the wind is wrong; I hadn’t started at all raking in the back yard, where that happened, when the leaves got up and piled on one side.

Meh, anyway, I finished the lawn today with 56 bags filled.

13

I will be sniggering all day… “your friends, the sticks”… I knew it. The little bastards are alive, intelligent, and out to get us!

Good post. Dumb it down a little, though. You’re making us old folks look slow.

14

:eek: 56 bags? Fifty-six bags of LEAVES?! Holy child-labor laws, kid! I hope your dad at least paid you well for such a heroic effort. Next year, hit him up for a leaf blower!

15

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Kamandi *
**

[begin Calvin]
Why is it that whenever I build character, my Dad saves a couple hundred bucks?
[/end Calvin]