Sixth grade. I’m hanging out after school, schmoozing with the teacher, as I was wont to do. Mr. K and I are sitting around, talking about what the hell ever an 11-year-old and a grown man talk about at 3:30 in the afternoon, when in walks Beth, on whom I’d had a crush for nigh on 3 years.
She is carrying her violin case, and she is livid. I’d never seen any female my own age this angry before, and I was suitably impressed. Her face is red, her nostrils are flared, her eyes are blazing. Mr. K and I ask, more or less simultaneously, “What’s wrong?”
“That Dougie! He broke my G-string!”
Two males, separated by perhaps 30 years in age, suffer near-instantaeous hernias from trying to stifle their guffaws. She had no idea. At 11, I probably shouldn’t either, but it was the fact that I started laughing that finally caused Mr. K to burst out, and once he started, I was a goner.
It was a good 5 minutes before either of us could breathe well enough to tell her what was so funny.
Picture this: It’s the first week of May in New Hampshire, and all of us at UNH are thrilled that it’s finally warm enough (around 55F) to wear T-shirts. A few brave souls believe it’s also shorts weather.
I’m walking back from my English class when the tour group of potential frosh and their parents catch my eye. Specifically, I notice a girl wearing hat, gloves, and a parka which she is trying to wrap more closely about her. This is odd. As she stands there shivering, he father says knowingly “You know, honey, it gets cold **like this ** in the winter.”
At that point the entire tour group (and me too) start laughing at his absurd statement. That winter low temps had reached -48F on campus in the wind, and -25F on windless days. I dare say they were from somewhere considerably warmer!
Oh my, so many, so little time,
I believe the Grand Prize winner is my ex BF. Nice guy, amazing body, no brain. One night I rented the movie Philadelphia and he asked me what city it took place in.
<blink blink blink>
And I still continued living with him, so maybe that’s the runner up.
My sister Janet is the queen of Malaprops. When she was in the 7th grade, she told my mom that the class play for that year was Dicken’s Nicholas Nickleby. My mother said something to the effect of ‘wow, that’s a really long play for you guys to be doing’, to which my sister answered “no its ok, we’re doing the condemed version.”
At a family dinner my someone used the word apathetic Janet Our older sister asked Janet if she know what that meant, and Janet said, “isn’t that the thing going on in South America?” We guessed she was thinking of apartied.
Last week I was in Sears to look at digital cameras. A couple was also looking, and a sales person was explaining to them the features of different models. I wasn’t paying much attention to them, but it caught my attention when she told them that the Panasonic PV-SD4090 (with a 120 MB Superdisk drive) couldn’t store as many pictures as those with 8MB memory cards.
This isn’t the dumbest, but it’s pretty dumb. And I didn’t hear it, a friend did.
As we all know, Kansas City has four (and only four) things going for it: boulevards, fountains, jazz, and barbecue. Two of my roommates, Pat and John, made a point to hit nearly all the BBQ places in KC these last two semesters.
Pat was standing in line, waiting for a concierto to start for his Music Appreciation class. As he was waiting, he overheard the following conversation between two music students.
“So, how do you like Kansas City so far?”
“Oh, it’s great! I hear you guys have good barbecue here.”
“Yeah, Kansas City barbecue is awesome. Arguably the best in the nation.”
“So do you eat barbecue alot?”
“Yeah, I’d say I know my way around, y’know.”
“Well, what place would you recommend for someone who hasn’t really experienced the best KC has to offer?”
“Well, for MY money, KC Masterpiece is the best anywhere, bar-none. Nothing can compare. I’d start there, then maybe go to some of the other places.”
“Really? Sounds great. I’ll have to try that.”
::sigh:: Water, water everywhere, but I’m drinkin my own piss cuz I’m too damn stupid to realize there’s water around me.
We were on a family vacation, on a tour where the guide was discussing the life of King George III of England. The guide pointed out the symbol “GR”, explaining that it stood for “George Rex”.
My mother frowned. “George Rex? Was Rex his middle name?”
Man, that still cracks me up! My mom is great! And she had Latin, too! Hee!
Commandment XI:
Thou shalt not post AETBOND417’s joke whilst he is out running in the rain. Thou shalt have an admin remove thy post, hitherto allowing AETBOND417 to post thy joke as thine own.
An ex-boyfriend, who is actually very, very smart, had a brain fart one day, in which he said to me: “I’m actually saving more money. You know why? I’m not spending as much!” Well, yeah. He got it, too, when I started laughing, and had a good laugh with me.
Years and years ago, when I was a child, the young brother of a friend of mine uttered the phrase “The sun is blocking my light!”
That was your joke? Hey, great to meet you, Mr. Black. I really enjoy your appearances on The Daily Show. Your Comedy Central special was also fantastic!
Standing in a supermarket checkout behind your basic dolt:
Dolt: “…And another thing! The prices in here are terrible! I have a wife and two kids at home, and I can barely afford to feed them! They’re getting second hand clothes, and I can’t even afford to get them presents on their birthdays!”
Long-suffering Clerk: “Will that be all, sir?”
Dolt: “Nah, get me a People magazine and a pack of smokes, willya?”
Addiction’s a terrible thing to see.
On the 9th of September in my second last year of school, people were talking about the significance of that day (the 9/9/99) which lead to further talk about the milennium bug. Everybody was wondering about what would happen to all the computers when 1999 turned into 2000, and one girl came up with: “Well isn’t it easy? We should all just do what people did last milennium.”
Well this isn’t as stupid as it is frightening, but…
A couple years ago I went to one of these traveling fairs that makes its way across towns in my area. You know the “anytown fun fests” or the “anytown community fairs” of the summer.
Anyway, at this thing they had the second rate ride attractions like the ferris wheel, tilt-a-whirl, etc.
I’m standing in line for this dinky, rickety roller coaster and I overhear this hilljack carny worker telling this other greaseball:
“It’s the damnedest thang, but everytime we put this ride together again, we keeps comin’ up with all these extra parts.”
And he pointed at a heap of the “extra parts” which consisted of several bolts and rubber hoses, and hillbilly #2 just kinda chuckled and walked off.
Needless to say, I saved my stubs for the impossible-to-win ring toss game and got my ass out of line.
Reminds me of that Simpsons episode where Homer is duped by the carny folk he admires so much… hilarious!
I have a friend at work who has had osteoporosis for some time now. It’s unusual because he is only 39 years old. He often gets muscle pain due to this. One day, my boss (she’s well-meaning, but ditzy) suggested that he tried yoga, since that’s what works for her. Uh-huh…
The other day, a new co-worker overheard me and my friend discussing the osteoporosis, so he stopped to ask about it.
New Guy: You have osteoporosis?
My friend: Yeah.
NG: You’re only 39 years old.
Friend: I know.
NG: What happened? You don’t like milk? (He thought that, as long as you drink “X” amount a day, you’ll be healthy as a horse forever).
(Note: In no way do I think these people were stupid for their comments. I just found them funny.)
A lot of fuss, some ritual dancing, a few animal sacrifices, and nothing happened.